Letters from the Edge of Tolerance

So real quick i will point out that i was raised in the south, and in an old fashioned house. So i treat my women accordingly. 

My own beliefe is that without women mankind wouldn't exist, so we as men must treat them right. Thus i am more of a sensual dom, and hopeless romantic. I crave the extremely sensual scenes that are so damn romantic and sensual niether can resist the allures of the other. So i have but one thing to ask how do you believe your relationship with your sub/dom should be? What is your reasoning behind it?

Well ill start put with this, the best way to describe myself would be the classic  broken heart story on crack. And before you ask I will tell you, but believe me what I'm about to say is the absolute truth.

At the age of 18 I married the woman of my dreams she was kind, loving, and bright. I was happily married and committed  to it. She, I later found out, wasn't. You see she started to cheat, which by that time I was used to, cause nice guys finish last right? But you see she didn't just cheat, it wasn't with some guy i didn't  know, nope not even with my best friend which would have been easier to deal with. No she cheated on me with my dad. The man who gave the sperm for my creation stole my wife. 

You see since then my self esteem and confidence has been broke even my will to live was damaged  severely. So in turn i suffer from fits of depression,  fits of anxiety, fits of suicidal tendency. Well instead of listing all of what's wrong with me just pull the book out and throw it at me. Then lets wrap it up with childhood PTSD, and PTSD from war. Yep that's right I'm kind of a basket case.

Do i believe in love yes, do I believe in love at first sight hell no. Why? Because that shit is fairytale bullshit. I am a realist, I am kind ;to a damn fault; i am honest ;brutally so; I am an asshole, and i have mood swings based on the day. But no-one will ever know it. Why? Because I spent my whole fucking life hiding my own issues. I see it like this it is easier for me to feign my happiness then to actually have it, cause every time I actually am happy whelp it gets ruined. So I see it like this, I will be the most self seeking person I can, because no-one, I mean no-one seeks me. So I'll  seek myself and I am ok with it.

But lets say some more about myself, I help any who need it. I am a druid by religion, and I clam balanced between ego and confidence. I always have good remarks about my looks though my thoughts may be different. I am a nerd/geek, and am a sapiosexual. I firmly believe knowledge is power and ignorance is not bliss. There is no excuse to be fat. Now before any of you get offended, I don't kink shame and I don't body shame. There is a difference, when I say fat I mean obese. You see there is no excuse to be morbidly  obese. Its ok to be plump, and its ok to be self conscious of your weight. Hell I am self conscious of my weight, do to various medical troubles I have, I am required to intake close to 1200mg of sugar a day.

So why am I writing all this? Well it seems easier to write it here than to write it in the "about me". You can learn more about a person based of the blogs they post, so screw it I wrote it here.  But I will tell you this much, nothing about me is normal, and I am rather weird and playful at times. But before I end this I will point this bit  out, to anyone who can honestly and committedly date me  for seven years might find me proposing to them, but not before then. 

So I will start with I am a libra. I was born September 24th 1993. At scott and white hospital Temple, Texas. 

I believe in balance, balance comes in many forms from "reaping what you sow" (karma) to the simple things. Everything needs balanced. 

Life is simplistic I would rather be kind and sweet to everyone, however some people just cant be helped. I tell everyone it takes alot to make me not like and or trust you.  I am probably the kindest and sweetest individual you will ever meet, but when given a reason to, I am the exact polar opposite of my normal self, i can hold a grudge for life, and i firmly believe that i will always get what is due to me. Whether it be good or bad.

In my love life though, well it makes me easy to walk all over, however I am mostly dominant, I have a massive soft spot when it comes to my subs.

As far as the reason to be writing this, I have none just working a graveyard shift and bored, with bo chewing tobacco, so i am trying to keep occupied. 

I lost my grandpa last month. And i made my way 2000 miles to be at his funeral. I had left montana with my brother his girlfirend and my father. We drove down packed into a little sedan of a car. Now for the longest time my father had nothing but bad things to say about my oldest brother, mike jr. And constantly fed the fire for whatever ot was we had against eachother. Well the night before the funeral i slept in the car we drove down in since i helped my brother shave and taught him about wearing a suit.

Me my Brother Ted and his girlfriend made it to the viewing early. My brother mike jr. Showed up which i was dead set on making things right. Which we righted our differences. And he shed tears at the funeral. Now all of my fathers kids tried to get him to go in and make peace, but he wouldn't. Now my father is quite a piece of work to put it lightly i could write a novel series on the bad shit hes done. 

Now in our family age holds seniority and the family friend whos more family than friend, we all know as uncle butch, ill come back to him in a moment. Now at the funeral service my father wouldnt even leave the damn car he rode in. Now there were a few songs played at the funeral the first one i was fine but the second one was called grandpa tell me about the good days by the judds. I lost it and started to cry. Seven years since the last time i cried. Which was when my wife left me(for someone who will remain nameless)[my father]. But i lost it and began to cry, for the man who taught me how to be a man was no longer here. And the obly ones to confort me were my siblings and uncle butch's wife. No i walked away for a moment to collect myself since i was a pall bearer and grandaddy would have said "watchu ballin bout? Stiffen up your wasteing water in the desert." So when it came time to bury him, my father still refused to get out of the car.

Well after that was over uncle butch had heard about mike jr. And our dads qualms and wanted them to make up being the good christian man he is. Well needless to say the sperm donor ac5ed as if he was faultless. And me and my brother ted had to pull mike jr away. Uncle butched walked over and apologized  for stepping in and i stepped up saying what all he had put me the youngest of his kids through. 

But at the end of all this since ive been back home something is gone, broken or missing. And i cant seem to figure it out. I lose sleep at night, im irritable and shortfused, my personality seems different, i just dont feel like the same person i was before. I feel like a shadow of myself.

Life throws our way many things, they are never exactly fun, and never exactly what we want, we are here to struggle but that struggle is not meant to be in vain. We can lay there and bleed on the ground, or we can get back up and keep moving. We are 1 in 7 billion, we are unique, and we are loved. 

Its never been a matter of race, culture, relgion, or anything else. We were put here to live and die. We were put here to leave behind something better for those after us. So i ask you what is it that you leave? What is it that you WILL be remembered for? What is your legacy? What is your purpose? Why are you here?. 

These are things none of us want to ask our selves, things we dont want to think about while we are young, or old. The only time we think of it is when we know we are about to die. Why is it then that we spend our whole lives trying to avoid the things that hurt? Why do we avoid the chamce at failure? Why do we let the masses control what we think? 

Is it because we are not individuals? Is it because we can't  think for ourselves? I say bullshit, we are all different, yet we are all one people, it doesnt matter kink, race, the color of your skin, what god/s you worship, what things you have done in your past, what your goals are, what your personality is. We are all..... Different. 

We were born different, it is up to us to accept that noone is exactly like us, noone is completely perfect, unflawed, and divine. We are all corrupt, broken, flawed, and jus plain wierd. But that is what makes us who we are. We were not meant to judge eachother, we were not meant to own another (unless it is willed by the one owned), we are meant to be one people, it is the masses that tear us apart, those who are insufferable and unwilling to accept a difference in opinion, the difference in choices. 

Those are the ones that tear this world apart.

Now ive thought many years on what would have to happen i order for the whole world to achieve a utopian society, yes it is a favorite topic of mine, if you can get me going on it and hold your own we will talk for hours, in order to achieve it there would have to be a governing council, a police force, and everyone would have a job, a house, and something they are able to do, and want to do ( similar to the giver.) 

But ask your self this what is it that we as a people ; the whole world; lack?

So yesterday on my way intowork i was hit by another car, which completely totaled  my car.i had to sort out a new place to live as well as figure out how to deal with a couple tickets i got and find a new way to het to and from work. Unfortunately it is still a work in progress, i have found a new place to live but still no car, and no way to pay the tickets or cost for the tow.

     Call me picky or whatever, but i am certain a sub that fits my fantasies is out there and i will find her someday, if you seem to think it matches you and you would like to chat just hit me up.

     So to start i have been in the world of BDSM for about Eight years now and  since my release from my loving mistress, Mistress Denalia, i have been almost adamantly a dom, though i have been a switch for a long time i prefer being a dom. so for about 5 years no i have been almost strictly a dom. 

   so my Ideal sub is definitely specific i will start by listing the qualities i find attractive, starting with the most important to the least. but do not get me wrong having all of them is definitely what i want. 

Personality: this one is by far my largest turn on to anyone. if you want to impress me be yourself, if you have a great, bubbly, slightly emotional, slightly reliant, but head strong type of personality, that drives me wild.

Intellect: no don't misinterpret this i not someone who desires someone who has an insane amount of knowledge.  for a slight comparison ill will give you this tidbit. Intellect is the faculty of reasoning and objective understanding. Intelligence is the ability to acquire knowledge and skills. i want someone who i can have a very enticing conversation with. bonus points if you can get me going on the topic of a Utopian society.

Looks: now i know this is a painful one to alot of people but hear me out.i grew up in a family with a long history of obesity, i never fit in because i really wasn't fat ever. I always worked out and took care of myself, and no offense but in my opinion, but there is no excuse to be fat. I tell my brother this regularly and it has encouraged him to start losing weight. so DO NOT get me wrong, i will talk to anyone no matter weight age, race, whatever. but i cant find my self being romantically attracted to anyone who is obese.

willingness to learn: i don't mean just in sessions and experimenting, i mean if they have a desire to learn something i want them to do what it takes to learn it, the only thing that holds us back is lazyness and there is no excuse for it.

Bratty: now i don't want someone who is nothing but a brat constantly, there is always a time and place for it, but a girl who knows when to be bratty and when not to be is sexy, and one who knows how to be a good kind of bratty is even better.

Now i am going to point out a fantasy i have had for years but no one has every done it for me yet. Ive always wanted a sub to be one her knees a few feet from my front door, wearing Lingerie/teddy/something straight up see through and sexy, with a ice cold unopened beer in her hand. and when i walk in the door she looks up at me with out moving her head offers me the beer, and says welcome home daddy/ master/ sir. That has been something i have always wanted. 
now i covered more or less what i seek in a sub so if you have questions are remarks, keep em positive and respond, voice any concerns you might have, i don't bite, hard anyways. 

I sit and wonder on the complexities that riddle the human Psyche with intramural philosophies. Though even the intricacies of that psyche can not be proven through science, only through repetitive constants can it be guessed. why is it that even we as a species seek one another  for solace from the depths of our minds. Is it that we fear the internal darkness that is our conscience, or is it the fear of what darkness harbors itself within our sub-conscience? those who seek things that cannot be explained tend to sub-conscientiously seek those who are of like mind. why do we as a people truely seek the companionship of another? Can anyone hold a solid conversation within the comments and explore these deep thoughts with any and all who join in. I challenge you to try.

Though I walk I stand, surrounded By the lifeless sands. I see many men, many women. The lie in a beautiful space, a world devoid of hate, I wonder why it was that I came to this place, thou even when i try to think, Life moves on in just a blink. BEHOLD a world struck by beauty a world where even the land seems to lay in a glorious pageant of lucid moments. I walk this lonely road alone, though within this lucid dream I can see the means I need to fall down a putrid diluted path. I walk away afraid of what may come down within that lucid fray of putrid hate. If I may, then I shall stay within my dark gray light. For when if this comes to be, I would hate to flee from the beauty around me. I seek the love I lost on the way down life's lucid dream, was it me or was it her, I couldn't believe that we had left the road. I had slowed, she had sped, for even then she wanted to be wed. I could not hold the light she shone, instead i bore the loathsome road. I walk alone in a light less world a putrid path to and fro. If I were to find my way I would be wed  that girl on that day.