Letters from the Edge of Tolerance

Welcome one welcome all. 

I run on a code of conduct that is simple and straight forward treat all with kindness despite them screwing you over or even if you hate them. Life is but a one-shot, it can either be miserable, or it can be the most exciting and abundant. We are all but one people, race, religion, politics, even racial generalizations, are just plain wrong, why should we worry ourselves with the in's and out's of the world, when we just focus on living a fun and happy life?

So real quick i will point out that i was raised in the south, and in an old fashioned house. So i treat my women accordingly. 

My own beliefe is that without women mankind wouldn't exist, so we as men must treat them right. Thus i am more of a sensual dom, and hopeless romantic. I crave the extremely sensual scenes that are so damn romantic and sensual niether can resist the allures of the other. So i have but one thing to ask how do you believe your relationship with your sub/dom should be? What is your reasoning behind it?

Well ill start put with this, the best way to describe myself would be the classic  broken heart story on crack. And before you ask I will tell you, but believe me what I'm about to say is the absolute truth.

At the age of 18 I married the woman of my dreams she was kind, loving, and bright. I was happily married and committed  to it. She, I later found out, wasn't. You see she started to cheat, which by that time I was used to, cause nice guys finish last right? But you see she didn't just cheat, it wasn't with some guy i didn't  know, nope not even with my best friend which would have been easier to deal with. No she cheated on me with my dad. The man who gave the sperm for my creation stole my wife. 

You see since then my self esteem and confidence has been broke even my will to live was damaged  severely. So in turn i suffer from fits of depression,  fits of anxiety, fits of suicidal tendency. Well instead of listing all of what's wrong with me just pull the book out and throw it at me. Then lets wrap it up with childhood PTSD, and PTSD from war. Yep that's right I'm kind of a basket case.

Do i believe in love yes, do I believe in love at first sight hell no. Why? Because that shit is fairytale bullshit. I am a realist, I am kind ;to a damn fault; i am honest ;brutally so; I am an asshole, and i have mood swings based on the day. But no-one will ever know it. Why? Because I spent my whole fucking life hiding my own issues. I see it like this it is easier for me to feign my happiness then to actually have it, cause every time I actually am happy whelp it gets ruined. So I see it like this, I will be the most self seeking person I can, because no-one, I mean no-one seeks me. So I'll  seek myself and I am ok with it.

But lets say some more about myself, I help any who need it. I am a druid by religion, and I clam balanced between ego and confidence. I always have good remarks about my looks though my thoughts may be different. I am a nerd/geek, and am a sapiosexual. I firmly believe knowledge is power and ignorance is not bliss. There is no excuse to be fat. Now before any of you get offended, I don't kink shame and I don't body shame. There is a difference, when I say fat I mean obese. You see there is no excuse to be morbidly  obese. Its ok to be plump, and its ok to be self conscious of your weight. Hell I am self conscious of my weight, do to various medical troubles I have, I am required to intake close to 1200mg of sugar a day.

So why am I writing all this? Well it seems easier to write it here than to write it in the "about me". You can learn more about a person based of the blogs they post, so screw it I wrote it here.  But I will tell you this much, nothing about me is normal, and I am rather weird and playful at times. But before I end this I will point this bit  out, to anyone who can honestly and committedly date me  for seven years might find me proposing to them, but not before then. 

So I will start with I am a libra. I was born September 24th 1993. At scott and white hospital Temple, Texas. 

I believe in balance, balance comes in many forms from "reaping what you sow" (karma) to the simple things. Everything needs balanced. 

Life is simplistic I would rather be kind and sweet to everyone, however some people just cant be helped. I tell everyone it takes alot to make me not like and or trust you.  I am probably the kindest and sweetest individual you will ever meet, but when given a reason to, I am the exact polar opposite of my normal self, i can hold a grudge for life, and i firmly believe that i will always get what is due to me. Whether it be good or bad.

In my love life though, well it makes me easy to walk all over, however I am mostly dominant, I have a massive soft spot when it comes to my subs.

As far as the reason to be writing this, I have none just working a graveyard shift and bored, with bo chewing tobacco, so i am trying to keep occupied. 

Love comes and love goes, we all may understand it, or we all may wish for it. We all take our blows, we  all sing along. We write many songs to describe it. So why not smile and show this futile world all you love, and the one you love.

The doves fly freely, and gracefully, making you smile seemingly out of control. We all see the beauty of the world when we are love struck thus we play those very songs we right over and over yet again.
I sold my soul to the one I love, the woman of mine dreams yet why doth so many say why not send her a dove, why not send her a rose. Is romance uet dead? Or do we just not show the chivalry we used too?
Sending her my soul says I will always be yours forever and always. Yet this poem says I am in love with a girl I hold dear, though that may not always be the case. For we all face the pains and strife of life.

I do not fear at this moment, fore that I'll lose her to someone other than myself cause I can yet see that glitter in her eyes, that one we all call wonderlust. I talk to her, and we laugh, and smile together this poem is something, I shall write to show love for a person I do yet care about. I pray to the gods that she will never cease to love me as she owns my soul for I gave her the key to mine heart.

We all know that people may change, and one can become bored with another, or they no longer love them the same as the did before. This is the change we all fear, for if you do not you are not but an empty shell, whos hell is the lust we all wish we could have. 

Thus unto you I shall not seeth lest I too become nothing more the a husk of the man I was before.

All along we walk these lonesome roads searching for thee. Thy one to bring the horizon. Upon the dawn we ride into the morrow, with high hopes for a living. We stand alone till the day we feel hallow within. Not tull the do we find the one to bring us the horizon. If we could wouldnt we just find an icon for hire to bring us what is we need?

Thus we all hope that there is nothing wrong with us even though inside we are all hollow. Dont we all hope that this isn,t how its supposed to be? We just dont want to break down, but we are all feeling down. Why is it that we ride to the morrow? Why must be alone?

Can we not see the one ahead beckoning us forward to the shade again? Can we not just run to the horizon? Or must we run some more, even though we never made it five feet from our door. Its always far from being easy, it the only way we will find. Its been a long time since we had a peace of mind. Why do we, why do i live lost within this shattered mind. I am always letting down the ones i love, I have paid the price. This is the only way, i find my soul torn asunder. But  lo bring me to the horizon.

We must rise up and gather as one, if only to be whole once again, for I need the peace of mind brought back to me.

Hi depression how ya been? Why must you leave me? Why do you beat me? Whoa, tone it down, you gonna bust a vein, It's just your fate, this isn't just your face, I'm drawn to you, and you belong to me, I hope you see that now you're stuck with me. The voice inside your head, I am the poison in your veins, I toy with your emotions,I take pleasure in your pain.

No that is not what this is about, lo take me to the horizon, we we all rise up. Take me to the place where my shattered self may be made whole again. Though even in life we are broken apart by lies. What if I told you that I didn't feel good enough and I'm broken? What if I said that I'm losing my faith and been struggling coping? Been stuck for a while when I look at the clock man I feel like it's frozen. Then again time is just flying too quick and I'm losing devotion?Truth is I feel no emotion. Bottle it up and all I feel is rage.

So one by one we all walk, lonesome and grasping onto the stinging metal. Where we sileintly wonder where we are. One by one you gotta sow in ashes, grow and behold. Storm and sun are taking care so one day the blossom unfolds. And thus we are brought before the horizon. 

We wander long days and hard nights, endlessly we love, we marched horizons then a day can that she was beholden. She stood before us a gleam8ng beauty beckoning us forth to the horizon, we took her hand and lo I was made whole. We ran over the mountain and through the hills, unto the sea. We waited the nights in pastionate joy, lo those night were sweet better than mine bitter days. We continued through the days, for what felt to be years.

Yet sheared away we were split and yet again I broke and shattered once again to pieces. "Hi depression, how you been?" It's been a long time, we meet again
I've been good, the fuck you been up to though?Lately you look like you're unstoppable. You must not have checked your messages. I been trying to get to you desperately. It's time you came and repaid your debt to me. I owe you nothing you are not but a piece of me, even broken i can yet see. You dont stand before me. Leave me be, there is no dept to pay, my happiness has no fee.

Why must you torture me? I walk alone shattered in piece though we may only be whole.Lo bring me the horizon, lest i be whole again.

As the day gets older I ponder on what I hath told her, she sees the light within my darkness. I wonder what she hath caressed. Had she seen my poteintial? As I am hororendously altered to what I am yet to be. She sees me for who I truely am, but not fore I slam my fist into this door that blocks mine way. A crippleing blow, shattering what I seek. I should say "I believe" yet I lay here wondering why, why does she sees light in my darkness.

As light filters through this darkness so true. We wander thy dark wood. I doth be wondering how to find our fate within, lest I not hate the one who hath put us through this hell. Wandering, yet pondering why she sees the light filter through a darkness so true.

As Thine light penitrates my dark and wounded heart. Paying no mind to what it has healed, I seal my fate; one which I take forcefully; thus it too claims me, as a true darkness. But lo light finds my soul and she sees a light within my darkness that is so true.

I am not as dark as i seem, to because she sees the light in me. Lo I see the light in her which I hath come to prefer.

I ponder on what I hath said. I have sped down the road of life, which is truely dark, and she has saved me, fore she hath seen the light in my darkness. Of which i may no longer contort due to the light she hath seen within me.

The darkness is contorted, so that I may see optimistically of all this strife. Though this knife drops to the floor, as the darkness begins to contort
with this life o'mine. I shall change as I lay me down to sleep, I pray my soul the lord to keep. If i die before I wake, I pray my soul the lord to take. As I partake in this, I am in a heavenly manner, I believe I may see the light within my darkness. As i witness truely beloved, I shoved all my grief down the drain, and she sees the light within my darkness as do I.

Hate is a fate that we we all can partake in, as we see the key to life. The knife is droped to the floor, as the door slams into its jam, life is contorted. Then altered, as we all can falter, as the slaughter of man takes place, as an ace is droped on the table, as we all can tell this is nothing more than a fable, to be heard. As a hearse takes your friend to her grave, and she told me to say this, "you are gay like the fey folk". This life flies by quickly as a shooting star, and I drive my car off a cliff into the tidal rift, so that i may float to the very end.I send a message to those who dont have hope, "hope has yet to come for you dear friend". Thus now I must float to the land of the dead to spread this hate, as we partake in the slaughter of mankind. I pretend the light was never spread. I am beheaded by the beast with three heads, as a hockey puck goes throgh a staind glass window, and she is made a widow because of the war of the worlds. Thys the darkness is once more contorted to her will and she sees me and the light within mine darkness.

Fore say to end this fable, I say to thee my life is a creed, of which to be followed. I swallow the waters of the all holy, hence I souly depend on her to see me for who I truely am. Thy light within me, therein lies the secret of life, which we all pass and not see. Light filters through all of the dark. Not lighted as my foresight is met, but light and dark meet for one last battle as our lives begins to contort and falter.

Then again life hath always contorted to her will. The light spreads through a darkeness so true. Once more she sees the light within me in order to see the doves fly, her love for me. Thus I say she sees light in me, and i must weave a tread so thin so I can send a message of hope. In order to cope with the sin of man. I tan the hide of the beast so fierce that has died due to the light she brought me because she sees the light within me. 

I see my own light shining so thus i slay my beast from within and save her from it as well.

I lost my grandpa last month. And i made my way 2000 miles to be at his funeral. I had left montana with my brother his girlfirend and my father. We drove down packed into a little sedan of a car. Now for the longest time my father had nothing but bad things to say about my oldest brother, mike jr. And constantly fed the fire for whatever ot was we had against eachother. Well the night before the funeral i slept in the car we drove down in since i helped my brother shave and taught him about wearing a suit.

Me my Brother Ted and his girlfriend made it to the viewing early. My brother mike jr. Showed up which i was dead set on making things right. Which we righted our differences. And he shed tears at the funeral. Now all of my fathers kids tried to get him to go in and make peace, but he wouldn't. Now my father is quite a piece of work to put it lightly i could write a novel series on the bad shit hes done. 

Now in our family age holds seniority and the family friend whos more family than friend, we all know as uncle butch, ill come back to him in a moment. Now at the funeral service my father wouldnt even leave the damn car he rode in. Now there were a few songs played at the funeral the first one i was fine but the second one was called grandpa tell me about the good days by the judds. I lost it and started to cry. Seven years since the last time i cried. Which was when my wife left me(for someone who will remain nameless)[my father]. But i lost it and began to cry, for the man who taught me how to be a man was no longer here. And the obly ones to confort me were my siblings and uncle butch's wife. No i walked away for a moment to collect myself since i was a pall bearer and grandaddy would have said "watchu ballin bout? Stiffen up your wasteing water in the desert." So when it came time to bury him, my father still refused to get out of the car.

Well after that was over uncle butch had heard about mike jr. And our dads qualms and wanted them to make up being the good christian man he is. Well needless to say the sperm donor ac5ed as if he was faultless. And me and my brother ted had to pull mike jr away. Uncle butched walked over and apologized  for stepping in and i stepped up saying what all he had put me the youngest of his kids through. 

But at the end of all this since ive been back home something is gone, broken or missing. And i cant seem to figure it out. I lose sleep at night, im irritable and shortfused, my personality seems different, i just dont feel like the same person i was before. I feel like a shadow of myself.

Im going to drop chapter 3 now with some added insight to my own personal beliefs, and everyone will be able to chime in with thier own opinion on it.

FAITHFULNESS

Now by definition it is someone who is loyal and reliable, steady or firm in thier actions based by belief.

On the other hand what does it have to do in the world of BDSM? What does it mean to us? Well i am going to answer this as simply as i can but also explain it.

So Faithfulness can mean different things to different people, someone who is monogamous would see Faithfulness differently than someone  who is polygamous. But between the two they have a similar meaning.

Now my grandaddy told me faithfulness is a oneway road where your true to one woman, the one you love. However i have come to learn that isnt exactly the whole truth to it. You see i have a philosophy that i live by, I will look comment and gawk (so have you) at other women, but my heart belongs to my lover (no questions asked). As long as my heart comes home it never strays. So what do i mean? And why can i say that? 

Well as a human like we all are we are bound by our primal insticts and that includes lust; I dont care who you think you are we all have looked and been like yea id tap that; lust is nothing but a base urge to procreate life, thats it. However we live in a world now where we dont have to worry about birthing many children, so we have become selective. And thus we lust after beautiful people(we all have the one famous person we want to fuck) but love our partners. 

I say this because it is often misinterpreted to be oh yea I am only going to have eyes, heart, soul and everything else for my partner, when we all know that never is the truth, however with that primal instict of lust, faithfulness comes in and says "no i am not going to sleep with that person because that would be wrong." 

Cheating is never ok, whether in a polyamourous relationship or a monogamous one, cheating can happen and it is NEVER ok. Period. Yes it can and does happen in both. 

I will go further and say that FAITHFULNESS  is even a strong point, and i would throw it into the group of being a foundation trait of a D/S relationship. There is so much that can honestly be said on this subject that i could probably go on for hours on end, but thats not what the intent here is. I want everyone who reads this to gather one thing, be faithful to your partner whether your a submissive or a dominant, be faithful and never cheat, your heart should always go home to your lover.

(DISCLAIMER: This is excludeing those who fall into swingers, traders/swappers, and those who explore this world with permission of their lover.)