The deep thoughts of my mind.

Just woke up from a dead sleep, typing with one eye open, and im honestly confused. 

I just had a crazy lucid dream where I was driving to my exs parents house in a red chevy impala that wouldnt run worth a shit, mind you her parents hate me. And as I was wanting to turn left, I seen her walking down the road in my favorite shirt and her cute black pair of pants with some scrawny fucker that couldn't be any older than 19. So I turned right. And seen a black car going way faster than me. 

Next thing I know, im tripping this kid and laughing. Idk why. Then all I see is her fuckin this dude and all I can do is laugh at him because he has a smaller dick than me, dumb fucker decided he wanted to talk shit. My demon came out and wanted to play. This kid was laying there running his mouth, and I remember reaching over and grabbing him by the throat with pure dominance and looking him in the face and watching the terror cross his. Picked him up by the neck watching his face turn blue as he is kicking and screaming, "dont runt your fucking mouth to me you little fucking twit im the mother fucker that will kill you" I body slam him lifeless. Jess looked at me in terror as well but I remember saying "princess, you know damn well I won't lay a finger on you"  and im motioning like im saying hold the fuck on dont freak out. She grabbed my hand and yanked me closer and wrapped her arms around me and all she was doing was crying and saying "I fucking missed you" "why have you been gone so long?!" 

At this point, I dress her and walk her to the next room as to keep her from looking at the little simp lying there lifeless but breathing. I walk back in there and drag him up by the neck again and look him dead in the fucking eyes and my demon shows his face to him and gave him a last warning. "I ever catch you here again ill snap your neck like a twig and beat you to a pulp" and it snarled like an angry wolf protecting its pack. 

What could be the root cause of this dream? It reminds me of a premonition I had a year ago the day before she called me and we got back together. Im at a loss. I doubt I'll fall back asleep. But ya know Perks of having these dreams. Catch yall later. 

It's hard to breathe when I'm crawling out of this hole
I got my hands on the wheel but I'll probably lose control
I don't know how to feel and it's honestly hard to show
When I've been on tour so long and I'm constantly on the road
And a part of me wants to go disappear where I'm all alone
I guess I need to learn to stop partying at my shows
But I'm starting to learn since I put my heart in this I could grow
And I remind myself that I built this whole arsenal on my own
Motherfucker

Excerpt from "Feel my pain" by merkules

This shit is deep. Meanwhile sitting on the razors edge of another mental breakdown, watching trucks come and go, can't sleep. Brain is all fucked up. I been up 35 hours straight, can't close my eyes without flashbacks coming through and raising hell because this woman is engraved in my fuckin head. I have nobody else to talk to about these things because all I ever get is those "suck it up and take it like a man" or "get over it". Why do women see it fit to lure men in and then crush their confidence that they've already had a hell of a time trying to build back up. 

Why is a good man thats supportive, caring, loving and has taken literal bullets for his significant other always the one that ends up getting shit on. 

Fuck this mental health. I want it to all go away. 

My heart hasn't been right for the last five years. Emotionally frost bitten. Dont give a fuck anymore. 

I fuckin deserve to be happy like everyone else. 

I fuckin deserve to feel appreciated 

I fuckin deserve to have confidence 

Im fuckin over this shit. Pain is all my eyes behold. 

So, been extremely interested in a woman I been talking to for the last 9 months right? Well we spent a weekend together, made me the happiest I've been in four or five years. Well that just got shit down the drain. Why is it the more of a gentleman, a kind hearted, do anything for anyone is this one that gets shit on the most? Its it too much to ask for happiness? Oh hello depression fancy seeing you round here. We need to talk about some things. I gotta deal with this fuck twit. Catch yall down the road. 

When you're having premonitions of committing suicide after watching your healthy and strong parents and brother drop dead while hearing satanic chanting then watching yourself blow your own brains out with a .308 rifle... yeah I screamed like a little girl..  Ive been having major night terrors including the screaming when I finally come to.

First it started when I had a lucid dream of a 5 story house. The house l seen was like a large 1800s style farm house. The exterior  is white with paint peeling off, the front porch wrapped around to the right.

The first floor:  the first floor is beautiful,  beautiful lavender and periwinkle painted walls expensive furnishings with gold rimmed plates and bowls, beautiful crystal chandeliers, the hardwood floors were polished beautifully,  the spiral staircase  was immaculate with no creaks or squeaks when walked on. 

The second floor:  the second floor is a plain Jane with sanded hardwoods, fresh white paint on walls and average furnishings. Nothing much to see. 

The third floor:  the third floor had windows busted out, water damaged floors and walls. The ceiling falling in. 

The fourth floor: soaked. Top to bottom with water. Walls falling apart staircase is sketchy. 

Fifth floor: collapsed in and rotted out. 

I remember walking around the back of the house and seeing an out building that had two rooms and no doors. All I remember saying is "thats the witch house" repeatedly  then my eyes being sealed shut and like donkey kicked to the ground and feeling a presence floating around me telling me "you're a worthless fuck thats never gonna amount to shit" and then I woke up. 

Last night, I delivered the freezers I had. Went to bed finally after being up all day and night, I was at my friends house and we were kicking an unknown what we called pedophile woman out of the house. Cut scene. Next I see my pickup being jumped because the battery died and then driving home. I remember coming down a hill with no brakes then pulling on a lever and stopping in my drive way. 

I get out and I pet my yard puma monkey because he greets everyone that stops by. All of a sudden im holding a sharp pickaxe like they used in the mines and then hearing satanic chanting surrounding me. Sky is pitch black but the surrounding trees and landscape is lit up like its day time, this guy in a black hooded cloak. Hes also chanting reaching out for my neck and I swing the pickaxe and slice his whole face off and he falls flat on his back and i slam the spike part into him. I run inside as the chanting gets louder, im yelling to my parents to get some fire arms around to protect ourselves, after watching my healthy and strong parents and brother drop dead while hearing satanic chanting coming from outside, I watched myself sit cross legged on the floor and heard "youre never going to be free again you worthless fuck" I opened my eyes again seeing myself crying with a .308 rifle under my chin and pulling the trigger and feeling blood and bones hit me in the face as I watched in horror. 

I was awoken by the guys I had become friends with as I've delivered for them multiple times, waking me up saying they could hear me screaming bloody murder from inside my truck and they were inside the store installing the freezers. The police were there and the whole nine yards. Took a drug test, passed. 

I haven't really felt the same all day. I've cried it out a few times even as I've typed this. I'm not one to seek help but, my gray witch that has been there for me for the last three years, told me I need to find help. Medication will not solve it. I have not been possessed by any demonic entities ever in my life. Please understand if you've been wanting to talk to me or trying to shoot me a message and I haven't replied, dont take it to heart. Im just workin on things. 

When you're having premonitions of committing suicide after watching your healthy and strong parents and brother drop dead while hearing satanic chanting then watching yourself blow your own brains out with a .308 rifle... yeah I screamed like a little girl..  Ive been having major night terrors including the screaming when I finally come to.

First it started when I had a lucid dream of a 5 story house. The house l seen was like a large 1800s style farm house. The exterior  is white with paint peeling off, the front porch wrapped around to the right.

The first floor:  the first floor is beautiful,  beautiful lavender and periwinkle painted walls expensive furnishings with gold rimmed plates and bowls, beautiful crystal chandeliers, the hardwood floors were polished beautifully,  the spiral staircase  was immaculate with no creaks or squeaks when walked on. 

The second floor:  the second floor is a plain Jane with sanded hardwoods, fresh white paint on walls and average furnishings. Nothing much to see. 

The third floor:  the third floor had windows busted out, water damaged floors and walls. The ceiling falling in. 

The fourth floor: soaked. Top to bottom with water. Walls falling apart staircase is sketchy. 

Fifth floor: collapsed in and rotted out. 

I remember walking around the back of the house and seeing an out building that had two rooms and no doors. All I remember saying is "thats the witch house" repeatedly  then my eyes being sealed shut and like donkey kicked to the ground and feeling a presence floating around me telling me "you're a worthless fuck thats never gonna amount to shit" and then I woke up. 

Last night, I delivered the freezers I had. Went to bed finally after being up all day and night, I was at my friends house and we were kicking an unknown what we called pedophile woman out of the house. Cut scene. Next I see my pickup being jumped because the battery died and then driving home. I remember coming down a hill with no brakes then pulling on a lever and stopping in my drive way. 

I get out and I pet my yard puma monkey because he greets everyone that stops by. All of a sudden im holding a sharp pickaxe like they used in the mines and then hearing satanic chanting surrounding me. Sky is pitch black but the surrounding trees and landscape is lit up like its day time, this guy in a black hooded cloak. Hes also chanting reaching out for my neck and I swing the pickaxe and slice his whole face off and he falls flat on his back and i slam the spike part into him. I run inside as the chanting gets louder, im yelling to my parents to get some fire arms around to protect ourselves, after watching my healthy and strong parents and brother drop dead while hearing satanic chanting coming from outside, I watched myself sit cross legged on the floor and heard "youre never going to be free again you worthless fuck" I opened my eyes again seeing myself crying with a .308 rifle under my chin and pulling the trigger and feeling blood and bones hit me in the face as I watched in horror. 

I was awoken by the guys I had become friends with as I've delivered for them multiple times, waking me up saying they could hear me screaming bloody murder from inside my truck and they were inside the store installing the freezers. The police were there and the whole nine yards. Took a drug test, passed. 

I haven't really felt the same all day. I've cried it out a few times even as I've typed this. I'm not one to seek help but, my gray witch that has been there for me for the last three years, told me I need to find help. Medication will not solve it. I have not been possessed by any demonic entities ever in my life. Please understand if you've been wanting to talk to me or trying to shoot me a message and I haven't replied, dont take it to heart. Im just workin on things. 

The feeling of alone. The feeling of alone isn't just something that you can fix. Its something that you feel deep in your soul. Being isolated for weeks upon months mentally and having no sort of emotional connection makes one long for another soul. Longing for another soul while yours is in embers slowly fading away like ashes in the fire. The lost connection can kill a human being and show no symptoms of death. Nightmares of your past and how you treated people come and haunt for ages until it takes its toll and collects its bounty. Closing my eyes and seeing her standing in the winds fading ever so slowly, not wanting to come back is killing me. Day after day seeing he every time I close my eyes for what feels like eternity, letting me know that what I had is gone and will never come back. When there is not a nightmare, I see a young little girl running to me. Blonde hair blue eyes pink shirt that says daddys little angel, shorts and black and white converse, screaming at me to come home and never leave her again. That she misses me and wants me to stay home. I've seen her crying her eyes out calling me to come home asking me why I hate her. Why I don't love her, why can't I just be back to who I used to be. Why can't she come with me everywhere I go. That fatherly feeling deep in my soul longs to have that in my life. When does one learn how to correct themselves? When will this loneliness finally fade away like the woman I used to be in love with? Why can't I get this right? I feel numb, I feel anger, I feel lost in a sea with a raging storm that will not allow the light to shine and direct me to safety. The vivid hallucinations I receive are tearing me apart. Breaking down and bawling your eyes out for three hours in the middle of the day with other drivers looking at you, walking up to your truck and seeing if you're alright is definitely something I'm not used to. Knowing there is a child in my subconscious that is trying to wake me up to them is a scary feeling. Knowing that you do not have any ability to make her appear and be on this earth with you is terrifying. I would give anything to have her here. I would give anything to have that woman I used to love back to the way she was. I would give anything to be who I used to be. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to be this intimidating giant that can crush peoples skulls with one blow. I hate who I've become. I want to be sane and not have these feelings of deep terror. These vivid dreams of this child scare me to the point of wanting to end this tent that is called the human body and send my soul to her but I know that the only way I will ever meet her is staying in my tent to meet her. I'm not a good person. I'm not a happy person. I'm not good at loving other people. I have too many control issues. I felt the same way about my best friends wife knowing that he trusts her and seeing a picture of her with another man and the feeling of anxiety and violent  flags it threw at me should not have happened. Whats going on with me? Why do I always have to be the one that sees things that everyone else views as fine but its pops red flag? Why can't i be fixed? Why can't i think clearly anymore? What have I done to become this way? My mind will over think and my personality is violent with vicious cycles of love hate anger pain. I can't get a grasp on reality and have been fighting the monsters in my head. How many heart breaks will it take to finally end me? I lose all track of time and space for weeks not realizing I'm even breathing, driving sleeping eating and making deliveries.  I'm honestly terrified of myself. My mind is my own worst enemy and I can't even take his toaster. How many times do I have to be black out drunk to get her off my mind? I feel as if its a never ending pain that won't stop. I just want it to stop. What has this shit done to me? People tell me they love me but, I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am or who I've become. Why? Who am I?