The deep thoughts of my mind.

Could you fade away just as quickly as you came?

You're a burnt bouquet, there's nothing left to say

Hold me now, for a little bit

Burn it down, get it over with

If I admit that our lives were doomed to entwine

I'd turn back the time for your peace of mind

Hold me now, for a little bit

The love that we watched wilt

Whenever I see the tapestry, your blessed hands that wove for me

The poetry, the misery, it all meant so, so much to me

Just give me a lobotomy and cure these things inside of me

And maybe I can be free to love you for an eternity

If in another life, my heart is beating fine

And love is on my mind, you'll be the first in line

I met a nephilim giant in a visitation today. He was living underground. The entrance to his home was in a mangrove like area in the huge stump. There was an elevator that took you down, and he wasn't very nice at first cause he tried to eat me. He chased me out and then he started to have breathing problems cause he couldn't process our air as well as he used to so he ended up begging me for help so I helped him. In this mangrove I felt like time went by really fast. I vividly remember him trying to find the elevator lever in the hidden box, and as he pulled it to call the elevator, this group of people came looking and a woman tried opening the door. He didn't want all kinds of people in there so I remember holding the door so she couldn't see me and I was growling like a wolf is best way I can put it. I remember closing my eyes to blink and I was holding cassette tapes but I couldn't quite read the labels. There were also three books but I wasn't able to read those labels either. The second time I closed and opened my eyes, I had built a "laboratory" style building around his entrance with marble floors and beautiful mural walls. He would only let me visit with him. Anyone else and he would eat them. I don't remember much after that.  I wish I could turn these visions and dreams into movies. 

She finally passed, and is in a much better place. 

Watching the cancers rot a person is quite a fucked up situation.  The necrosis, the delusions, motteling, the major organ failures all are horrendous to watch. Jaundice from the liver breaking down. The dark bruises on the face of a 49 year old pistol that does what she wants, when she wants and fell out of her bed Monday. 

I've learned in the last few days, no matter how healthy you are, no matter how many precautions you take, the world has its ways of taking you back to where you came from. 

Also as someone with an auditory processing disorder, the mumbles and incoherent ramblings make it worse as it takes longer to understand what was said. Also on stop of being a pistol, she's as spicy as a Carolina reaper when she's normally a soft spoken, manner oriented gentle person.

I'm not asking for condolences or anything like that. Just putting thoughts into words. Not sure how else to express my thoughts. It also doesn't help that her two daughters, and two neices are at each other's throats constantly throughout the day. 

The necrosis is bad enough that it's causing my body to go into survival mode. Meaning it makes me hungry, unable to sleep and jittery. Also extremely thirsty. 

It's currently 3:33 am est, she's been more coherent that she has in over 5 days. As if it's a "second wind." I've been here for three days now. I hope she takes her flight soon, she's suffered enough. She's also been asking why she's taking so long to die, quite a mind altering question. The people she asked for has showed up and said their goodbyes, but she's holding out for something or someone. Not quite sure. Almost all of her organs have shut down except her heart, lungs and her brain will be the last to go. Such a strong willed woman. I hope one day in a life I can meet someone like that for myself. 

She has been going from age 12 and then to age 20, 20-26, and then she goes from five days ago to six months ago. The mental ages are what I believe to be her "reliving" past experiences in her life but she doesn't realize she speaks of it. 

I know I'll never forget helping an terminally Ill woman light and smoke a cigarette. Helping her stand even though she should have been gone by now. She's still human and expects to be treated with manners. As I said, spicy. Especially if you're rude to her. 

I'm gonna back on out of here now, catch ya later. 

Oh bright sun of the night
I lift my eyes up to thee
Oh ye amber golden light
Let the dark sweep over me
I surrender all to thee
When nothing is left

     set scene 1

A truck driver pulls into a little truck stop out in the middle of nowhere. The man driving is tired but ready to relax after a nice shower and a dinner. 

The driver walks into the truck stop and ask the lady behind the counter where the restrooms are. "Down the hall second door to the right." She said. "Thank you ma'am." he replies. He goes down the hall, on his way there he can't stop thinking of how her eyes shimmered in the uneven lighting of the fuel desk. 

The man does his business and comes back out, then proceeds to start looking around at their selection of snacks, drinks and hot foods. As he is looking around the lady behind the counter asks "is there anything I can help you find?" he replies "I'm not too sure yet, was trying to find something hot after my shower but I'm not sure yet." 

He then started flirting with her, sizing her up and guessing the relative age she is but cannot get over how her body is shaped. Her hour glass body and small waist, set this man's sexual desires on fire. Her ebony black hair well manicured, her skin as soft as a summers breeze, her eyes as bright and blue as the sky.  

Being the smart man he is, he starts a conversation while he is looking around. "sure has been a long today huh." he said. "sure has. Rain finally let up a few hours ago here." she said. He then rolled up a sleeve to get it out of his way, she saw how scarred and beat up his muscular arm was, she decided not to ask how it happened but deep down she was already starting her own fire. 

Conversation was moved to him asking "are you by chance married?"  "no sir, I've never had a boyfriend." she replied.  "Oh ok, I was just curious because I didn't see a ring on your finger." "I was also wondering if you had ever heard of what a dominant is." he asked  calmly. Her being a young, naive but promiscuous woman, she started to get very interested.  She asked what a dominant and after he explained, the conversation got deeper. At first she was taken aback by some of the details, but was becoming more and more turned on by the thought of being dominated by an older man. She could feel herself becoming very wet and soaking herself.

He noticed her body language telling him she was interested, but to keep the mystery of himself, he abruptly asked "how much does a shower cost?" "for you, a shower is going to be free." She replied. "alright well, I'll go get my shower bag and if you want to you may join me. I don't mind." he said as he started to walk out the door. Her face got bright red from blushing. 

scene 2

As he was walking to the truck he felt the internal fight and had a short argument with himself, thinking he had blown it with his last comment. But little did he know things were about to change for the better. 

He thought to himself "What if she knocks and asks  to come join? Should I bring some of my toys in with me just incase? What if she calls the police and they come and search me and they find them, thinking I'm some creep and a sexual predators? Nah were gonna bring them anyways." 

The man walks in and gets the key for the shower noticing her biting her lip and throwing so many signals through body language. At this point he says "the offer to join is still on the table. Its okay if you decline the offer." he said with confidence. She stood there and just nodded her head because she didn't know what to do. 

After a few minutes roll by as he is getting his things around and organized for the shower, he hears a small knock and a voice says "I've thought about your offer and I would like to take you up on it, may I come in? Said the young woman with a shy and her voice trembling with nervousness. 

The man opened the doors and he was just in a pair of boxers. Her jaw dropped as she seen every inch of his muscular chest and looked down and could feel herself start to drip in her pants as she seen what his boxers was holding back. She then came in and he cleared off the counter and said "have a seat sweetheart." she takes her shoes off and tries to sit on the counter but, with her being so short she is having a hard time doing so. He comes over and gently places her on the counter. He then asks "may I have your permission to play with you?" "I would love to play." she replies. "I need you to pick a safe word, it will let me know if you are in need of a break or need to stop immediately." He said to her. She tells him her word that she has chosen, he then asks her if she is comfortable with him helping her undress, she nods not knowing what to say.  

As he is helping her undress, he notices she's having trouble with her bra coming undone and says "I'll help with that." He says and proceeds to unclip it with one hand in one motion and she's completely shocked he knew how to do it. She tries to climb off the counter and before she can get all the way down, he stops her and says "let me take control, you'll enjoy it much more." she obeys his command. He slowly caressed her body and removed her pants, and was surprised she was not wearing any panties. He leaned her back, and starting with her lips, he kissed her gently slowly moving to her neck becoming more and more smooth. He then helped support her with his left hand while using his right hand to follow her curves, he made his way down to her soft breasts, kissing and licking gently still. 

He got down to her waist and went to his knees, gently spreading her legs, noticing she had already made a puddle of her own juices. Her soft and freshly shaved skin felt like a cloud on his lips, he didn't get any form of pulling away from her letting him know he was okay to do what he was about to do. 

As he gently touched his tongue to her pussy lips, he heard her take a sharp gasp as if she was surprised, and in hearing this he asked "is this your first time doing anything like this?" "Mhmm, yeah" She replied 

He smirked and went to town. He didn't come up for air but one time, while listening to his work, he noticed she was getting too close to climax for his comfort and he stopped and said "come down here while I warm the shower up so I can prepare you for what we are doing next." He said with authority. 

Her legs were becoming weak so he had her hold on to the bar next to him to keep an eye on her. She had slowly gained control again as the water reached the proper temperature. Not too cold, not too hot. He then took his boxers off, releasing his monster from them and he watched as her eyes lit up like a flare in the sky. 

He turned around and reached for his two pair of hand cuffs and asked her gently "may I put these on you? Just let me know if they're too tight okay." She nodded her head letting him know he could. He directed her to the rails in the shower and cuffed each end on both of her cuffs on the rail.  

Satisfied, he pulled out a butt plug and a corded vibrator that was waterproof. He looked her over caressing her curves even more as said " I'm going to need you to relax for me okay?" she obeyed and slowly relaxed. Satisfied he gently teased her with the lubricated plug and slowly inserted it saying " hold on to that for me would ya?" Bending her over in the process. 

He gently teased her pussy with his cock and got it covered in her juices while slowly pushing it into her tight little hole.  Her gasps and moans were enough to tell him he was hitting the right spot. Stroke after stroke she was getting louder and louder, not liking that he pulled out and walked over to his bag, pulling out a brand new gag ball. "this is to keep you a little bit more quiet. Can't have you give away the secret now can we?" he explained. She agreed and he put it on her and then removed the plug he put in. As he grabbed the vibrator he turned it on low and teased her pussy with it some more and then said "this might tickle a little bit but, you'll enjoy it." 

He inserted the vibrator into her asshole and held the controller in one hand and used the other to guide his cock back into her tight pussy, and thrusted himself into her as deep as he could go and she started moaning louder and louder. Hearing this he started to turn the speed up on the vibrator and heard her go insane. Please he thrusted inside her harder and harder as he reached the highest setting on the vibrator he could feel her getting close to climax again, he slowed down the vibrator, unruffled her from the wall and she couldn't walk or hardly stand so he picked her up and took her to the counter again. Slamming his hard cock in her again, he turned the vibrator back on to its highest setting, railing her as hard as he could and hearing her climax as hard as she could, he kept going a bit longer and she squirted as he pulled out for the final time. He removed the vibrator and washed it off quickly. 

The man however had not finished, he brought her to her knees and said with authority "I want your throat you dirty little whore." She obeyed as he took the gag off of her, she opened her mouth and he grabbed a handfull of her hair and controlled her every move with it. He went deeper and deeper and was surprised she did not gag one time. She went faster and sucked harder begging for his cum to be in her mouth. He shoved it deep one final time and came a massive load as he pulled back and she held on swallowing every drop like she had begged for. 

scene 3

He helped her to her feet, removing the cuffs, being sure not to pinch her. He grabbed his soap and shampoo walking to the shower taking her by the hand to make sure she followed him and did not slip and fall. He washed her hair and washed her body, keeping her in his grip constantly. After rinsing her off, he tended to himself cleaning up his sweaty, smelly body. He then dried and brushed her long black hair and helped her get dressed. He put her socks and shoes on her, then dressed himself. 

The man told her "I'll be back through here in a week if you want to do something like this again." completely in a state of euphoria,  she replied "I would totally do that again. You're welcome to come back to my house any time you want. I'll make sure to have dinner on the table as soon as your arrive. This is my phone number. I can't wait for you to come back again. That was the most amazing hour of my life!" 

The man, pleased with what he had done, thanked her and put her number in his phone so he would not forget it. 

After a while of meeting like that, the two of them created their contract, months later moved in together, and eventually got married having two children. 

              To Be Continued....

Any copies of this story will be claimed by myself and I will charge royalties. 

A poem by Erica Shea Liupaeter. 

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and
took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above,

And that I’d have to leave behind, all those
things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe
see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that could never be,

For emptiness and memories, would take
the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might
miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was
filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,
from his great golden throne.

He said, “This is eternity, and all I’ve
promised you.

Today your life on Earth is past, and
here it starts anew”.

“I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,

And since each day’s the same day, there’s
no longing for the past”.

“But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,

Though there were times you did some things,
you know you shouldn’t do”.

“But you have been forgiven, and now at
last you’re free,

So won’t you take my hand now and share
My life with Me”.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t
think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right here
in your heart.

Is there something wrong with me? 

Depression, anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem. Whats a guy gotta do to be happy? Im all smiles on the outside, meanwhile I'm screaming my lungs out for help on the inside.  Whats wrong with me?

So its been about 8 months since my last breakup with a submissive I had been in love with since 2014. Some how she is still haunting my dreams and day life. 

How the hell does this happen? Why is this happening to me again? It wasn't me that did this. She drove me to the point of insanity.  I was almost committed to a mental health hospital because of her. I feel like these walls close in on me when she comes up in dreams. I feel like I'm being tortured every dream she's in. And not the fun kind. The things she said to me are still echoing around my head. Ive become a prisoner of my own mind. 

I wish I had a way to send my pain and show her what it really feels like to be me for a day. I never even got a real goodbye from her either. She turned into a heartless, jaded, naive gold digger that I gave 100% of my heart and she chopped it up and fed it to the wolves. 

Im also suffering from a massive bpd split where the different sides in me are reaching out to grab the spotlight fighting for it blood for blood. I hate this. 

You ever sit there and turn the radio on, then bam a song from the past comes on and brings so much emotion and pain associated from the memories? 

The power of music can bring you up or send you to a furious crash of pain and emotion. 

The sound of heart and soul being poured into a deep melodic tune can bring even the strongest to their knees. 

A song come on the radio as I was driving back to the semi, brought such pain of the memories I made with her. It hit so hard I had to pull over and just sit there. Like I felt so disassociated with myself, I looked at myself in the mirror and seen myself. 

Looking in the mirror I was atleast 150lbs smaller, dark circles around my eyes and unkempt hair and beard like I was super sick. Almost like a cancer patient thats not having a good go at things. My eyes looked empty and bare. 

I feel like this disassociation is part of the cosmos telling me change my ways but at the same time I feel helplessly paralyzed in fear, debt and loneliness. 

Im alright being alone but the loneliness associated with it is what needs to go away.  I absolutely am disgusted by my body and the way it looks, I hate that I smoke again, I hate that I can't get my life together to save my ass. 

Im always left behind, pushed away, rejected and it almost seems like nobody gives a damn if my mental health is doing good. Im trying my hardest to get things straightened out. I want to be happy too like everyone else around me. I want to have a family of my own too. Id give everything to have a son of my own. A son I can take fishin, hunting and teach him to be better in life than I was. 

Mental exertion and childhood trauma can severely affect a man thats been told all his life to "suck it up like a man" or "youre less of a man if you cry about your feelings" or the shittiest one yet, "take it like a man you pussy."  

I dont know anymore. Most of the time I just want it to end as if I have nothing to look forward to. Staring out of a windshield making miles and money, enough to finance a home and newer vehicle doesn't make me happy like it should and I can't understand why I feel this way or how to stop feeling this way. Guess we just wait and see. 

                        Later friends. Catch you on the flip                                side