If you get to know me any, it's only a matter of time before you'll see me Rp (role play) an action like *Points off in that direction and begins to walk away.* OOOooo look at the butterfly! It's a thing, its going to happen. Most people just accept it's me deflecting or being silly which is exactly what I'm wanting them to think so that I can get out of the conversation. Surprisingly enough, it even works really well and in the years I've been doing it, very few people ask why butterflies. Then I came to the Cage and you lil freaks are like... BUTTERFLIES! Tell me about the butterflies! (It feels good to be around people who aren't trapped inside their mundane boxes. *sighs contently*)
I can't rightly remember how long ago its been due to it being that long ago but it was near the beginning of a doomed marriage that I was walking along talking to God (yes, believe it or not I do have a god and I believe he gets a right good laugh at most the things I do)
Anyways! So there I was walking along, uncaring where I was heading though 3 miles in any direction would end you up in woodlands, farm lands, or streams. Once again I was feeling the loneliness and confinements of marriage and to top it off we just had another argument over stupid ass shit that I thought was just common curiosity.
"I don't understand, it seems like nothing I do or say actually sticks in her head"
"You can not change what does not seek to be changed."
"But why wouldn't she? I'm her husband... It's not like I'm asking for her to slave around the house. Just stay home, clean the place up a bit before going off to gallivant across the country side."
"Cut her fucking throat, bury the body, let me feed, kill the cunt!"
*sigh* "Beast, why are you awake and better yet why are just adding to the stress? Can't you see I'm having a conversation here? Go back to your shadows, let the grown ups talk."
Silence followed for a few minutes as I looked around and realized I was out in area where the woodlands give way to the farmers fields and it looked like this was the year for the overlay for this particular field of wild grass and wild flowers. In those days it took a lot of concentration to force him back so while i'm saying I'm looking around in silence what I actually mean is I'm throwing up mental shields, cutting off all noise to my mental ears. It was rather painful but the pain made me feel numb and numb was better than what I was feeling to begin with. Letting the shield down some and sighing I heard him once again in a small voice of calm.
"come my son, remove your shoes and let us talk."
I kicked off my shoes and left them where they lay, tossed my socks and when I saw the shimmer I headed for it. (A shimmer to me is when you look around you and a place, person or thing seems to shimmer and stand out to the eye.) "Sorry about that Lord, He's becoming increasingly difficult since coming out in the day light hours."
"You do not need to apologies for being who you are, my son. I know him and how he vexes you but as you can see you have been given authority over him. You can drop the shields now. Let us talk freely."
I did as requested and let the world fall back in on me as I began to walk through the field. "Am I asking too much?"
"you are asking too little"
"I don't understand then. Why am I the one hurting and unable to get her to see the pain she is causing?"
"you can not change what does not seek to be changed, son."
"Why doesn't she seek change? Am I not worth changing for? Have I not given her a good life? Provided and cherished her?"
I was hurting and starting to yell as my rage began to build.
"How can anybody say that they love you when all the do is the opposite of what you are asking? How many hours I have taken to talk to her about the situation? How many different ways have I approached the subject and wanting to bust her head through a wall, I kept it in! I DIDN'T rage on her, I sit and I try to rationalize, I try... why can't I get the same respect?"
"You can not change what does not seek to be changed." came the calm voice bu t with a touch to shoulders. "calm yourself, look around you."
unhearing I raged on.
"We made vows! To have and to hold, when do i get to have or hold? How can I when she's never home?! She won't listen! spend spend spend like my money just pops out my ass and there it i...." Instantly my rage simmered and I felt my shame "Sorry Lord." ... "I'm just so tired..."
"Do not apologies, son. You speak from the heart and I know you are hurting. You do well, continue."
Taking a moment I stood looking at my feet, not even realizing that I had vented on my surroundings and crushed or torn up everything in a small swath around me.
"I'm stuck aren't I? Till death do us part... I will always hurt like this till one of us is dead. Perhaps..."
"kill the cunt, kill the cunt, slash her throat and feed... burn her bones, bury the ash and piss on the grave!"
"yes..perhaps.. but not today Beast. Leave me be." With a wave of my hand in a state of mind solemn and looking at the inevitable outcome I dismissed Beast who raged in the background like a two year old having a temper tantrum.
"I can not change her, can I Lord?"
"No. One must want to be changed in order to be enlightened."
"She does not wish to change... even for me." Depression set in once again and I dropped to my knees. "Will you change her for me?"
"I can not change those who do not seek to be changed, son. I gave you freewill and thus it is. I can give reason, I can show signs but it is up the person to rationalize and see the way." I could feel him squatting before me, trying to sooth the chaos in my mind as I tried to understand what it is he was telling me.
"I do not know if I can live like this, Lord. I hurt all the time now. Her, Beast, the sun, its eating my mind. Leaving me empty, bare, and alone."
He didn't speak to calm me, he did not change how I was thinking but sat patiently waiting as he always seemed to do.
"Am I to be off this world? Would it not be better for me to just end this vessel and come home with you?" For as much as I wanted to cry, I would not permit it and just looked up at where I knew he was.
"That is not for me to say, son. It would be a waste for you to do so. There is so many that need your abilities in all of whom you are. If you seek to end your vessel, I will bring you home and set the beast free to find another. You would not know the pains of this world again but that is a choice you must make alone." Its as though he stood up and waited...
I took the dagger from the small of my back and placed it between the ribs. Up and to the right... it would be quick. Beast raged in the background but for me, its as though time stopped... my mind blanked and the singularity of what I was about to do came to a moment of decision.
"I can not change her... one must want change to be changed..." a butterfly flew before my eyes and landed on the back of my hand. A simple cabbage butterfly, yellow and small with a little black dot in each of its wings. Its veins drew a pattern in themselves as my sight ate up the details as is my way. From its body, in a single color with veins so small that I'd never payed much attention, I could see a pattern like one erupting from its core into the air to be free and something clicked.
"Nor do I have to be the same... To change, I must want to change." I looked up to where I knew he stood looking down at me with what I viewed as a smile.
"Thank you Lord. I understand now." He vanished in the background as the butterfly took flight, flitting around me and dancing for my entertainment. When it began to leave me for the wild flowers, I smile and crouched down like a cat looking for a prey and the Beast in my mind growled with anticipation. My dagger went back to its sheath and I spent hours chasing butterflies in the field, feeling free of my burden and letting Beast hunt through my body. No, it wasn't the flesh he so craved to taste beneath our teeth but it was a hunt and butterflies can be VERY elusive!
So now, when you see me saying "Oh look, a butterfly." Do you understand?
