(Hit play before you enjoy the read... you'll understand later)
I was heading home for lunch today in this ass crack of fucktardium when a white SUV merges out of the right lane, into the middle as we are heading north on our 6 lane road (3 lane North, 3 south, divided by lovely shrubbery and grass in the median). I was thinking wow, that's a nice change for someone to move out of the slow lane as I'm approaching behind them doing te speed limit of 45 while they was doing less. I'd planned to change lanes myself to go around but hey... Thanks driver! Mighty kind of ya! 20 seconds later, the SUV whips the wheel shooting across the lane I'm in, causing me to lock up the breaks and make some quick defensive driving! I've watched NASCAR, I know how this shit breaks down! Rub'ns Racen bitches!... ... ... HOLY Fuuuuuck, how I missed them is still beyond me! I know it was close, the brown streak in my pants told me that! Hit the gas & go before some asshat coming up way to fucking fast rearends me!
Heart thumping like I'd been bunny fucking for the past 2hrs, I hoot with joy which turns to growling and the roar of my beast...because sudden emotional outburts wakes his ass up out of "slumber" during the daytime. My once fantastic day now turns into raging bear being woke from hibernation and the sun begins to become much hotter. He's just doing his job, no wakkis... quick explanation followed by playback and he's calming down.
However by this time we've traveled about a mile hanging a right, off the 6 lane onto another, less busy 6 lane. We're doing about 50 on this 45 because I REALLY need out of the sun now, kick on the AC & crank that bitch UP! Now this isn't open Highhway, there is stop lights almost every 1/4 mile but if you catch one green, the next 2 (at speed limit) will also be green... BUT some hillbilly inbreed decides that his beat all to fuck, Ford Ranger with the Walmart can spray job, was exempt of all traffic laws and punches the gas, bringing him across all 6 lanes and you guessed it! Causing me to lock it up a second time! Its literally 7 miles from my work to home! Wth is wrong with people today?! AGAIN, let off the break and coast so I have less impact damage from behind... AGAIN another so close miss I could see the details in his red duck taped tail lights! My pants are a bit squishy, my heart is playing "Wipe Out" in my chest and you know it! Hey there big guy! Left eye blinks, vision goes red, HE CAN'T FUCKN DRIVE! Pull back on the chains and finish the drive home in a red haze while flinching to the Bull in a China shop, raging through my brain. Thankfully my home has some lovely shade trees and the dash from the truck to the door with something oozing down my leg wasn't harsh. The blissful darkness of my sanctuary (home) engulfes as the dog runs out to do his routine when I open the door. I head straight to the restroom while trying to calm my beast who is justifiably PISSED to no end. Somewhere in his rage and my clean up, we simi sync up.
Him: Fukn stupid hu'mans!
Me: Need to learn to drive!
Him: Slit their damn throats!
Me: Every damn one!
(I've lived with him so long, I know how to play the game, Que up Skrillex)
Beast loves music and this little distraction is what he needs so since we are now in the process of changing clothes he's raging in a rythm... it's real hilarious if it didn't feel like glass being shattered and raked along the inside of the skull... onward he rages till his focus meets mine and the wall looks sooo tempting... such a lovely target... instant fulfillment to purge the anger... I take this moment to make a call out to a friend whom I'm trusting will do what she's so damn good at. With just a few words of her soothing southern accent he hears her... "Beast... calm down. Please Beast... don't do it." His right fist grinding the wall, my left hand holding the phone with speaker on, I replay it... The rage simmers... he snorts. "FINE!" He stomps back into the dark recesses of my mind and my body is my own again. Seriously this shit is taxing and I just slide down the wall before thanking her, grabbing a few breaths and head back to work... this all took over an hour. Yea upper management position! First though as I get in the truck.
We do all this shit for covid and people only have to pass a driving test 1 time, usually at 16yr old... What the hell is wrong with our laws?! People should be required to retake that damn test & pass first try or have it revoked till they redo the course & test! Age:23 just to remind you to NOT Txt Drive / nor Drink & drive.
Age 40ish... mid life crisis = mid life driving test damit!
Age 69: Cuz if you don't have the physical or cognitive ability to eat a pussy while your dick is being sucked, YOU SHOULD NOT BE BEHIND A WHEEL! 😂😂😂
Be safe out there people, we walk among idiot's.
Ty again to the lovely people helping me along lifes path.
