My Musings

My childhood wasn't one of privilege. We struggled from time to time. Everyone pitched in to do chores and make sure our home was clean and tidy. My Mom was a bit of a perfectionist so things had to be done a certain way so that when Dad got home from work he had a peaceful evening. He was the soul breadwinner in our house of 8. I grew up in a large family that was a norm back then. As we got older (I'm the youngest) and the 3 older ones went off to college or make a life of their own my Mom decided to go to work. Leaving me to be cared for by my 2 older sisters. There was 4 years difference between me and my older sister. I was 8 when my Mom started working. Therefore I was being cared for by a preteen and teenager who didn't like a child following them around. So my nose ended up stuck in books...any kind I was able to read and comprehend.

I was always my Dad's favorite, and maybe I was slightly spoiled but still yet I was a good child. If I wasn't my ass would get whooped by my Mom or siblings. So fear made me behave. Dad would come home to a slightly messy house because Mom wasn't there to bark orders or do the cleaning herself. My sisters didn't care and at 8 years old I did my best to clean and take care of the things that I knew mattered to my Dad. He would reward me with kind words, hugs, or the occasional book someone gave him. I watched and listened as he would punish my sisters and stand there watching as they were forced to clean and cook. I never seen this to be unfair because I believed that it was our duty to manage the house since Mom wasn't there to do it. I had seen it in all the households in our area. The females took care of the home and served the males. It was an obligation for the man to bring home a pay cheque and an obligation for the women to take care of the home and the men. AND why not!

My Dad was a farmer as well as working outside the home. So in the summer there were other men who spent time at our home. Women would cook and bring the meals to the fields, or the men would come to the house to eat. Either way I was always running and getting things the men wanted or needed. I had become a bit of a tomboy but they still seen me as a girl and would give me praise for my dedication to them. I thrived on their kindness and attention.

As I got older things started changing in our home. My Mom started drinking so there was more alcohol around, anger became a part of her, abuse between both parents, so a lot of animosity grew between my parents. Dad wanted Mom home to take care of him and the house but my Mom grew to like the money, which bought her the alcohol and also the acceptance of other women who drank and worked.

My Dad started spending more time away working. He would be gone for days on end, accepting work that he always turned down in the past. At one point I heard him comment to my Uncle about how he hated being home and if it wasn't for me and my 2 sisters he would leave. Then he started turning to more alcohol just to be part of my Mom's life I'm guessing, I never really knew.

With all the changes and my getting older, being able to take on more responsibility just so there wasn't so much anger, I was rewarded more so than my sisters. My Mom and sisters didn't see it as being rewarded for tasks done, but instead they seen it as being spoiled and unfair. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't want to do the simple things that would make Dad happy. I thought it was them that were being unfair. My Dad worked hard, so hard that when he'd come home from many days at work he would fall into bed and sleep for a long time.

I worshipped my Dad. I seen the sacrifices he made for his family early on and as I got older how those sacrifices meant nothing to my Mom and sisters. It was like they were the spoiled ones, demanding to be taken care of without a show of anything in return. By the time I was 12 years old, if Dad wasn't home, I'd be left on my own. Mom would be out drinking and the girls who were almost at the age to move out were out with their friends. Being that they were rarely home when Dad was gone the house remained clean so I had nothing to do after school except homework or read. But, I was happy, I would fantasize about being a housewife and taking care of my husband and children. I would never give my husband the grief my Mom gave my Dad.

I was the last child at home. Dad still paid attention to me with the rewards of words but no longer hugs because I was becoming a woman. This I only understood when I got a little older. My Mom and sisters never paid that much attention to me and I was very naive when it came to understanding my body and the feelings that I was beginning to have. When a boy kissed me at 14 years old it shocked me because I liked him in a way that I never liked anyone. My first love perhaps. But that kiss was the one and only because the feelings he invoked in me scared the shit out of me.

Life went on, alcohol was a main ingredient in my parents lives by this time. My Dad changed jobs and was home every night, with a drink in his hand, watching tv and passing out in front of it. Mom would stagger in just before bedtime and by that time I knew to hide in my bedroom otherwise she would take her anger out on me because Dad wasn't in shape to accept it. I was beginning to understand why Dad drank himself to passing out. There were times when I wished I could be in that stupor too.

I had turned 16. I was still in Dads good graces. But by this time he had slowed down on farming and people were hired to work the farm. I still helped as much as I could. There was cattle to feed and other chores that had to be done whether it was winter or not. I loved being around the men because they all treated me with such respect and appreciation.

I was still very naive although I heard friends talk about kissing, sex, making out...etc...and seen them around boys, sneaking off to be alone. How one was giving her virginity to this boy or how one gave hers to another. There were boys who had tried things with me, sloppy kisses and trying to grab my tits but I didn't like it so when they couldn't get their way with me they moved on to the easy girls. I had even lied to my friends about having given my virginity to a boy they didn't know.

But, one man in particular, who worked on the farm, paid more attention to me than the rest. He bought me little things, he would listen when I'd talk about the things I learned in school or books. He was a lot older than me but I never knew just how much older until it was too late.

Last night was so unexpected.

My Master was out of town and has been for almost 2 weeks. He wasn't expecting to be back until Tuesday.

Around 8:30 last night he told me he'd be home in a couple hours. I was out visiting when he told me.

I opened his message sitting near everyone. "I got a question ????? How bad do you want dick?" Gave me a shock, my whole body heated up, I could feel my face blushing. I knew if I kept sitting there someone would notice a change in me. So I went to the bathroom, "I want your dick bad!" I got the excitement out, cooled down a little...I just knew what was coming next.

"I'm coming home tonight."

I felt this burst of energy, pure lust hit me, the thought of being near him, hearing his heart beat, feeling his touch, playing, and pleasing him. Sending a few more messages. Orders given, being warned of punishment. I needed to be near him in any way I could.

It was hard sitting amongst everyone when all I could think about was him. I stayed a little longer because it was expected.

I put the toys out ready as he asked. Waited for the message that he's 15 minutes away. Feeling nervous...I've been needing him so bad, feeling anxious because I knew what was going to happen.

He messages, I go to the bedroom...put on my red teddy and thong. Laying on the bed waiting patiently, body heated, pussy wet, squirming.

I hear a car door slam, his foot steps, door opens and I am squirming. Door closes and locks. He removes his clothes before he comes to the bedroom.

Last night had so many different meanings. Complete and total ownership, the placing of proof that I belong to him, and punishment.

Being played with...his oh so talented tongue, his hand and crop used on my big ass, thong ripped off, fucked every which way, multiple orgasms, allowed to worship his cock.

I'm not the type that needs ceremony, or deep words of emotion. It is the feeling, the significance, and the act that matters in my mind, heart, and body. He placed the beautiful collar on me.

The pride and acceptance of being collared by him will give me the strength to endure the long periods of being without him while he travels.

Punishment, although the act had more than one purpose...it shows me he wants me to do better. Try harder. With the knowledge that he has taken every part of me, owns every part of me.

Enduring the pain and discomfort of punishment was all worth the time that I got to spend with my Master. This act also marked me and completed his total ownership of my body.

You're completely owned now.
Yes my King.
Who owns you?
You do my King.
Are you ready?
Yes my King.
Hard?
Yes please.
And he cums, long and hard.

Every hole is now used and marked as his.

He had warned me that I would be sore. I am not into anal sex, it was only done as marking of ownership and/or punishment. It has been over 10 years since and many more years before that. Still yet, I never imagined I would be sore, but then again I should have known because it's been almost 20 years since I've been with a man that is the size of my Master. Of course there is a reason and purpose for the soreness as well. I will be sitting down just a little easier for a couple days, not just from anal...but from how big he is and how hard he fucks my pussy. Each time I sit and feel, it will remind me!

The words he spoke to me just a few days before resonate even more after last night. "My only intentions with you is to see you happy and grow as a person."

And last night was a true testament to those words. All in one night...I was made extremely happy by being collared and grew with the punishment he inflicted.

The emotions I am feeling today lifts me to a place that has been missing in my life for a long time.

Thank you Master...I will serve you with pride and dignity for as long as you desire my servitude!

Music can explain so much.

Girls Like You

Burn

Stupify

Zombie

Wash It All Away.

Not Strong Enough

Demons

Happy Valentine's Day all you kinky people

Enjoy the day

With love and respect.

Hope you all get to play hard and love harder...:)

My needs of the lifestyle doesn’t just consist of being beaten or controlled by my Dominant but to be shown that I am an important part of the relationship and that what I desire can be fulfilled if I serve him with respect and total submission. When I show him that I belong to him in every way willingly, he in turn willingly gives me all that I need and desire.

I am in search of poly, eventually. I’ve lived it and loved it. I get a great deal of pleasure seeing my Master served and cared for by others. I am also bisexual so those whom I’ve lived poly with were bisexual as well. It gave my Dominant/Owner great pleasure to have us both serve her/him, whether it be domestic, emotional/mental, or play/sexual. And she/he gained great pleasure in seeing her/his subs play with each other as well.

The dynamics of living poly is much more different than a monogamous Dominant and submissive relationship. It’s harder emotionally and physically. Not all Dominant or submissive people can handle it. It’s always changing in some way. When I first entered this type of relationship I was naïve and thought it would be easy sharing my Dominant. In play and sexually yes it was easy, but the emotional side of it took some time. Seeing the one that you love, deeply connect emotionally in that way that they connect with you can be a shock and will cause worry of whether he desires you the same as he desires the other.

One of the things that I learned very early on in my BDSM and poly life is that Dominants don’t love or connect with their subs in the same way. If a poly Dom tells you he loves or connects with his subs all the same, he’s not being honest. Just like a parent will say they don’t have a favorite. There is always a favorite no matter how much they say there isn’t. I know I have siblings and am a mother.

I’ll never claim I was a favorite or connected with my Dominants better or deeper. I will always claim that I was the level-headed part of the submissive component. I knew and understood the protocol better because I was part of deciding that part of our lives. I was what my first Dominant called an alpha in a sense. I helped with vetting, training, and when she wasn’t home I was in charge. Does that mean I’m the favorite or deeper connection, no. It just means that I had the ability and strength to understand how a poly relationship works, and I was accepting. She knew me longer and trusted that I could handle our family while she was away. I look back now and I think, was I privileged? Perhaps, but I never seen it that way.

Not all poly families are the same and it’s wrong to think that you can jump from one poly to another without a change.

When I was passed on to my first male Dominant I was in heaven because I had never been in a relationship with a Dominant MAN. And honestly, I will now only submit to Dominant men. But, there was that something missing and the type I am I always make my thoughts known. Seeing him being served by another is what was missing. He had a poly family before me and he knew I also lived poly before, and he knew that I was the alpha. He didn’t like the word alpha, I was top to the others. I like alpha better…:0….I also needed the bi side of me fulfilled but that could have happened without poly as well.

He and I moved into poly quite easily. The only issue was that the ones we vetted weren’t truly interested in poly, only curious. When we finally found the right one his life was starting to change and our poly life only lasted a year before he got sick. I was then passed on to my 3rd and last long-term 24/7 real-time D/s relationship, poly was tried for awhile, he couldn’t live it so we lived D/s and eventually turned vanilla.

Those voices, the images I have, the needs and wants, the dreams and pleasures…all of being back in those days of fulfillment makes me want it so much once again. I know I have to establish a relationship with a Dominant first and foremost. But the desire of poly is there, even at my age.

Is it a necessity? To be poly? It’s where I was happiest. No, it doesn’t have to be. But it’s what I desire.

Being that I am not with my Dom 24/7 I enjoy the thoughts of what can or will come. The imagines that run through my head at times. Images that are put there by him. Words that he may have spoken. Promises of pleasure.

I sit quietly in the doctor’s office, watching the people around me. And suddenly I feel him. My body starts to warm, and I know I am flushed. I am so attuned to everything around me, like everything got louder and I can hear the rise in my heartbeat. I look around and everyone is minding their own.

I am feeling the need to submit in some small way. I feel almost a shyness but know he would enjoy the reaction I have to him. I’m wet. He guides my thoughts. He tells me to cross my legs and as I do I squirm. My face is hot, and I bring my hand to my cheek…it’s on fire. The ache in my core needs fulfilling. He tells me to pinch my nipple and I reach under my coat. I pinch softly, then harder and I let a small moan escape. I look around, but no one noticed. The ache gets deeper.

Fuck, I am interrupted. The naughty girl’s leash was yanked back into reality! Disappointment and frustrations galore!

Ugh! Now I must wait until I get home because he dashed away but is still in my thoughts always.

The desires I have for this lifestyle have come full force again. I bask in the feelings that it can cause. I enjoy expressing myself. At times the way I express myself will not please all. All I ask is that I am respected as I will always respect those who comment. I don't mind a little debate from time to time. But if you don't understand ask...if you don't like then move on...if you need to express then do so.

Something my Dom once told me when I started writing years ago on another site..."not all will understand your intelligence and depth of your mind or thoughts, when you encounter those then educate them with the knowledge that you have."

I love to write and have someone learn from it or feel from it. I don't expect everyone to understand or enjoy for that matter. These are my own experiences and desires.

I am a submissive woman who is spirited and whole, who can lust and then be fearful of it, then begin to trust and open up, expose myself to the wanting and needing, then realize that love is inevitable.

I am submissive.

You will weaken me but love my strength.

I am spirited.

You will break me but not my spirit.

I am whole.

You will take from me but give more.

I am lusting.

You will fulfill it.

I am fearful.

You will calm the fear.

I am trusting.

You will embrace it.

I am open.

You will accept it without judgement.

I am exposed.

You will shield me from harm.

I am wanting.

You will give with great pleasure.

I am needing.

You will quiet without spoiling.

I am in love.

And you will love me.