My Musings

My previous Dom and I had gone out for dinner. I had a very stressful day at work and I had been a bit moody. Not towards my Dom but towards the hostess and waiter. He reached across the table and took my hands in his and said in that very quiet assertive voice of his, “Baby, breathe! Settle or I will have to settle you.” I wasn’t rude to them, but I was short and to the point. I’m normally the type to strike up a conversation with people in public service positions to make them feel good about serving us. But, this day, just wasn’t a good one for that.

We ate, I behaved, and apologized to them both and they were very thankful for the apology. Walking out of the restaurant he asked how I was feeling. If I was still tense and I told him that I was. “Well then, I’ll take care of that for you,” he said.

Walking into the house my body began reacting to what I thought was going to happen. My nipples hardened, my core ached, and I knew my panties were wet. Grabbing me by my hair he pushed me to my knees. “Stay!” He said.

I went into position, sitting back on my heels with my hands on my thighs, palms up, and waited like the good girl I am. He placed the blindfold over my eyes and ear-buds in, so I could listen to my favourite music. I sighed, I love deprivation play. I’m a heavy metal listener so my body reacts different when I’m listening to it. More intense at times, it’s intense without it but so much better listening to metal while being deprived of hearing or seeing him. Giving me my favourite music made me realize that this was totally for me. He was breaking me for mainly my needs.

Taking me by the hand we went to the lower level of the house where our playroom was.  Pulling my right ear-bud out, “Naked, NOW!” He demanded. I moved, quickly! I needed this release more than I thought. Bending at the hip to remove my shoes, he pulled my pants down from the back and smacked my ass so hard that if he hadn’t wrapped his arm around my waist I would have fallen forward hard and fast. Standing me up straight he growled in my ear, “Hurry slut!” I hurried! 

I believe he already had a session in mind because he wasted no time in attaching my cuffs and roughly pushing me onto the cross. I sucked in my breath when the cold steel of the chains touched my thighs as he bound me to the cross. I was splayed out on the cross. I could feel my muscles already reacting, readying, the weakness I was feeling was moving me onto that place I go just before I feel that first strike of the whip. Grabbing each breast, he massaged them roughly. Removing an ear-bud, “How bad do you want this?” He asked. I began to babble, begging him to flog me, whip me, and touch me. I was dripping wet.

Before I was done begging I felt the flogger against my stomach, tightening my muscles without realising. He slapped my stomach...it was his way of saying I needed to relax my muscles. I did my best.

He swung the flogger lightly for a little while and then it was like it never left my body, continuous sensation. My body was tingling and on fire. He stopped abruptly and grabbed my pussy. Squeezing, shoving his fingers inside of me. I was whimpering and wanting release, but I knew he wouldn't allow it yet, and I didn’t want it yet either. I wanted to be beaten!

He played with my pussy...pinching my clit lightly. He finger fucked me until he felt my muscles clench and pulled them out fast, making me cry out. He slapped my pussy hard. I felt the tears coming already.

He moved away from me. I don't know for how long... probably seconds. The sting of the crop made me scream and jerk, feeling the chains dig into my thighs, and the cuffs into my wrists and ankles. He hit me in rapid strikes...I was coming close to that edge when he stopped. He always knew when to stop.

I felt his hands caress my body. His sweet kisses on my lips. But he wasn't finished. I wasn't at the breaking point. He clamped my nipples...swatting each breast a few times before attaching them. They were already a bit sore from the crop. He pulled the chain that hung between them. More pressure, more pinching, he was adding weights to the chain. Tears were falling again, and I was moaning so much, he covered my mouth with his hand and slapped my breasts with the other. 

The wheel...I love the sensation of the wheel when the right pressure is added. He ran it over my body...my thighs were trembling, and he took advantage and put more pressure on the wheel when he went over them.

I'm now almost sobbing, getting so close to that edge again.

The flogger hit me again...softly over and over again. I was strung so tight now and another few slaps to my pussy brought the nasty words out of me. I can have a very foul mouth when I’m deprived.

He leaned his whole body into me. I could feel how hard he was. He started kissing me rough. Running his hands up and down my body, roughly. His fingers finding how hard my clit was. Rubbing it fast and hard.

He pulled my ear-buds out and asked as he rubbed my clit hard, "do you want to cum or do you need to cum?" At that moment it was just a want and told him so. He took his hand away and I heard it before I felt it. My vibrator weakened me more. He was going to make me cum hard and multiple times.

He put the vibrator just above my clit...running it back and forth, avoiding that sweet spot. He ran it quickly over it and between my lips. My legs were shaking so bad I could hear the chains rattling.

Over and over my clit, between my lips...again and again. Sobbing and ready to beg for release when he put it directly on my clit. "Do you need to cum now my slut?" I nodded, I couldn't find my voice. Again, he asked. And I finally sobbed, "yes please Master may I cum?" As he continued to push the vibrator against my clit and I could feel my pussy tighten, I was there, all I needed was permission.

"Cum my slut, cum hard for me. Let me hear you!" I cried and moaned into his mouth as he kissed me. My whole body tensed, and I felt the lift, the release. My mind was floating and as my body released all the tension, it too felt like it was floating. He made me cum 3 times. The 3rd time he made me cum he had his fingers inside me stroking the spot and flicking my cervix. I was spent but I knew it wasn’t over yet.

He slowly unchained me. I was so weak and crying from the release. He guided me to the bed and whispered soft loving words in my ear as he lay beside me. Holding me gently and wiping my tears. When my trembling quieted he got up and straddled my face, fucking my mouth. My hand stroking him as he pumped my mouth...my tongue rubbing the rim of his head. I could feel him get thicker, and he fucked my mouth faster until I felt him throb...I squeezed and tasted every drop of him.

 “Stop fighting your urges and release, let go to the feelings and arousals, and enjoy them, enjoy me”.

I think there will always be a fight. No matter how long we’ve been in the lifestyle. There’s that skepticism. Those urges that we have, to submit or Dominate. Will we get the release we desire from the connection? How will it fit into my life at that moment and will it be enough for the other? Will it come to be more than just the odd play here and there? Or will it grow into something more? What are we wanting out of it?

Do we want to let go of those feelings? Are we willing to openly free ourselves to that possibility of going deeper? All the way?

The unspoken promises of release. The desires and arousals that are obvious. We enjoy. The feelings of knowing you can have what you crave. But then you fear the unknown. What will come of it, how will it come to be, will it last, is this the one relationship that will bring out that true submission that you crave to set free!

It makes you feel, you want to back off, but you go deeper as you enjoy the feelings that are invoked in you. Can you back off after it takes you both mentally and physically? Do you want to back off?

A toe on the line, like a magnet attracting you, your toe is slowly slipping over, being pulled farther, your toe is over, your being drawn into it, and finally you step completely over. That magnet has killed any self control you thought you had, but the closeness of it means you won’t be let go, you won’t fall, you’re safe and secure.

We are different, not one of us have the same needs and desires. Long-term, 24/7, D/s is a requirement for me when I see a relationship. I need that power of another to take over my being. The control is truly spiritual for me, reaches my core, my mind, my whole being. 

Understanding, patient, caring, loving, but, yet I feel it, I crave it.

I move so easily underneath the almost unheard whispers of promise.

Guiding me to that place that heightens my needs.

The gentleness that softens me to my core.

But yet…

Knowing that it is there without touch.

It’s pushing me, pulling me, moving me.

Not hurting but aching.

Making me need and want.

I am in need, no doubt, my body reacts to it.

I can almost feel the touch of it’s need.

I am different, desired and needed by it.

I can be what it wants me to be.

I am strong but weakened by it.

I can give to and accept it.

I am whole only with it in my life.

It is Dominance!

It is....The Dominance in Him and it is so clear!

I have been thinking very seriously about what life holds in store for me. I am a single submissive woman, living alone, surviving to the best of my ability. I’m not afraid of being alone. I can survive without a man but it’s not something that I have chosen.

Quite a few years ago there was a serious change in my life, I had to travel and be away from my Dom quite often. Our relationship started changing and our D/s life ended. We started living vanilla, comfortable, like room mates that have sex now and again. With all the time I was spending away from him he ended up turning to another for the kind of comfort he needed. One day I walked into our home, after 10 years together and my personal belongings were packed, and he told me to move back to Canada. So, I loaded up my vehicle and moved.

At 48 years old I found myself in a situation that I’ve never been in before. A little over 2 years ago I’m driving 1600 miles and wondering why he didn’t tell me sooner that our relationship was over. We had played with women in the past and I wondered why he didn’t just find someone to play with during my absence, someone that I could have helped him find. But, I realized after, that the lifestyle was no longer an interest to him. I’m grateful for the time that I had with him, but I would have much preferred that he be truly honest with me so that I wasn’t thrown out on my ass, dazed and confused.

Now I had no home, no partner, no security anymore and I was scared. I had a place to stay but not my own. I was starting all over again. I was never so emotionally low as I was at that time. I struggled to regain my independence because I was hurting and wasn’t interested in finding another Dom who could potentially hurt me the way my ex did. I took a break so to speak.

If I wasn’t an intelligent, strong woman I would have been nearly destitute. But, over the years I saved for what I called “a rainy day”. The rain came down hard and fast I tell you. But, I made a home for myself. Proud of myself for having that strength to build a life of my own. I never was alone before, I always had a Dominant in my life and it felt strange. I tried dating a vanilla man, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

I eventually started feeling that need to serve someone. I started on a BDSM dating site and met a couple of Doms, one of whom became a serious threat that included a lawyer and the police. But strangely enough it didn’t deter me. I had never had to search for a Dom for myself. I was always passed on to someone my previous Dom helped me choose.

Approximately a year ago I started communicating with a Dominant who I eventually gave my submission to and whom I am still collared to today. We live so far from one another and have only been able to spend time together in June/July. Neither of us can travel and I’ve started feeling this need to submit physically. I finally admitted this to him and he’s given me permission to find a local Dominant.

Eventually I want the complete D/s experience. One that is 24/7, long term, and real time. That is who I am, that is who I’ve always been. Online can be fun I’m sure, the fantasies that can come from it and there is still that special bond that can be built but the physical part is something I will always need and want. I need that touch, I need to feel the completeness of physically playing. Then the aftercare, the comfort and security I feel when being held and loved.

It’s not just the play that I crave, it the little things as well. Curled up at his feet, with my head in his lap, his hand brushing my hair. Cooking his favorite meal. Giving him a massage after a long day. Walking just one step behind him with my hand in his or a finger in his back pocket. Just taking care of his daily needs!

I want to feel that deep connection physically, to hear him say “good girl” and not just reading it, to see the pride on his face when I have pleased him, to be guided and loved by a Dominant man!

I want it all and I don’t think I’m being selfish at all. I’d be selfish if I didn’t want to share the love and servitude that I have to offer a Dominant Man.

I guess you can say I was kind of shocked back into the truth of who I am. I realized that BDSM is part of who I am and who I will always be, it has been 30 years I should know it by now, or you would think.

When my family life gets difficult, pain, sorrow, so many worries, and things start changing drastically it puts me into overdrive and my needs, wants, and desires take a back seat. Now that my head is back to where I feel the most complete I’m beginning to crave. The desire in me is back and he is allowing me to fulfill my needs if I find the right one who can.

We all fantasize about the perfect session, the perfect “beating” (sorry to those who are against that word but for me that’s how I explain), the perfect touch, the perfect one.

Those of us who have experienced many facets of the lifestyle know there are so many ways of pleasing and pleasure. Wakening, denial, pain, discipline, punishment, and pleasure. To me that all means I’m serving and loving him.

When he wakes my needs, sees how much I want and need him. It pleases him! I almost feel desperate to give him what he wants. And I fuel his ego!

When he denies me, it’s because he enjoys seeing me in the throes of need, or release. And it pleases him to see me desire him so badly that I will beg!

When he sees it in me, the need to let go completely, he gives me pain. He allows me release with my body and my mind. He moves me to that place that only he will take me. And he will swell with pride!

When he sees I need discipline, when I’m out of line and need to refocus, he shows me with direction, with kindness and harshness all at the same time. Chain me and leave me to contemplate. Think about where I am and what it is I had and need to recapture. And he will sit back and be filled with the knowledge that he has guided me to serve him better.

When he sees I am bad, when I disobey, he will punish me. I will not enjoy. I will regret and promise never to do it again, and I won’t, but need to be punished for it. I will accept my punishment with pride, love and strength. Because he does it for my own good. And he will look differently at me knowing that I’m accepting of his rules and love.

When he gives me pleasure he fills me with his love. He thrills in seeing me fulfilled and happy. He wants to give me that part of himself that only I see, at that moment. The love and vulnerability. He lets his guard down and shows tenderness but takes me harshly. He gives me his love, deeply, and trustingly. And he will sit back knowing that he has reached inside of me and given me comfort, security, love and true happiness.

And he will sit back knowing that with all this, he has control, that I have given up all that I am, willingly, to please HIM!

Then we are complete!

This is my experience and my opinion and may or may not hold true for others.

It took me a long time to talk about sex with anyone. Even with my Domina, who was my first BDSM relationship, which lasted 13 years. Was it perhaps being that we were both female, she thought that what she liked I would as well? Which it worked very well for us. So, there was no real need for me to talk about it. She openly guided me to what she enjoyed, and I did as my Domina instructed always. I kept a diary but never put down any real detailed information about our sex life. It lasted 13 years so we were doing something right for us both at that time.

During a session of BD or SM I was able to talk about it afterwards, quite easily in fact. How much I got out of the play and if I thought I could handle another toy. There wasn’t much SM with my Domina because she called me her “sensual side”. She could be very sadistic but saved that for seasoned submissive women or men. Being that I was new to the lifestyle I am grateful that she was sensual with me in the beginning. Her sensuality with me wasn’t necessarily intimate like some would think it should or must be. Some may not see a difference between the two words but I eventually learned there is.

When I was offered and given to a male Dominant he expected to hear what I liked and how I liked it. He was patient and understood there was some shyness. He started me off with my writing it down on paper after each sensual play. He would have me read what I wrote, not immediately, out of the blue. While I was doing laundry, he would come up behind me, put his arms around me and hold the book in front of me. “Read” he would order me. Or going on a drive to get groceries, out for dinner, and he would pull out my book and order me to read. He got a thrill out of getting me flushed and excited before we were in public. Of course he would be teasing me while I’m reading…;)…When I finally was able to open up to him and tell him what I wanted while we were sexually intimate it seemed to have made everything that much more intense. For both of us! I’m grateful that I had that time with him because he taught me a great deal about intimacy.

I learned that intimacy is so much different with different Dominants. He was no where near a sensual because I learned from him I had a masochistic side. In all aspects of our lives he was extremely dominant, except the times that he wanted vanilla sex then the intimacy changed, was deeper, so it seemed. The soft side of him was beautiful because of the change in him, I rarely seen that side of him, I could feel a different love so to speak.

The intimacy he showed me brought out that baby girl character in me. I enjoyed pleasing and touching before him. But his dominance and touch were different, and I craved it more and more. I wanted to please him more and more. I craved to hear him say, “good girl.” I wanted him to be proud of me all the time no matter what. I always felt secure and he always told me that I was safe under his care. I’d curl up at his feet, between his legs and lay my head in his lap and I would feel the world slip away for even a few minutes. If I was busy and my mind way off the lifestyle he could lay his hand on me in a room full of people, my not seeing his face, I knew it was him just from his touch. There was that intimate bond that was unmistakable.

Did he shape me into that baby girl he wanted? Of course, there’s no doubt about that. But in order to do that there had to be that part of me that wanted to be shaped as well, not just the needing to be shaped. If I wasn’t wanting it, and being forced wouldn’t have made our relationship work as well as it did, or if at all.

The intimacy he showed me in those 6 years, the depth of what a BDSM relationship could go to, brought the baby girl. More than the 13 years that I was owned by my Domina. It just goes to show that no 2 Doms are alike! I believe that intimacy is important if you want that deep experience of a BDSM relationship. It won’t only make you feel the bond but will bring out more of whom you are.

I wish for those new in the lifestyle to eventually feel that special bond and to feel the intensity of a deep intimacy with their partner. I've witnesses and been a part of a relationship where there was no intimacy...only play and pleasure.

I am not perfect, or rich, or beautiful, but I am genuine, full of love & kindness, and a true submissive bisexual woman. I have friends in the community who I give advice to when they ask or offer their advice when they think I need it. They lift my spirits and help me see my worth even more, and they are such a blessing!!  I'm a good momma, a good woman, and a good submissive! I love my life and wouldn't trade that for anything! I've survived 30+ years in this lifestyle and I'll survive another 30 years if my mind and body will allow it...lol...

i am a submissive woman…

i find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship

i am not weak, or stupid. i am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am i more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.

His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy.

His punishments are harsh, but i accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.

my body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that i hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?

If He says i am His princess, then i am that…regal and graceful.

And if i see laughter at me in the eyes of others, i do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?

If He says i am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then i am that…as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

my mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
i have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided i need, and so i learn from Him.

my soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish i feel when His belt caresses me with fire.

i spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.

i am a submissive woman. i am proud to call myself that.

my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because i am strong and proud.

My submission means that I am committing to him, sacrificing for him, having the strength to be all that he desires, doing it all with pride, giving it freely, and serving with great dignity.

Hi y'all.  New to the cage but not the lifestyle. Just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Carol and have been in the life for 30+ years. If you contact me, show respect and you will receive it as well. I will be writing from time to time because I need that outlet. I was blogging on another site but I can't be as open as I want on there because of issues that may or can come from my words. I always thought openness was a must in relationships but I see now it can just cause problems. So I will rant and rave here when need be.