I have been thinking very seriously about what life holds in store for me. I am a single submissive woman, living alone, surviving to the best of my ability. I’m not afraid of being alone. I can survive without a man but it’s not something that I have chosen.
Quite a few years ago there was a serious change in my life, I had to travel and be away from my Dom quite often. Our relationship started changing and our D/s life ended. We started living vanilla, comfortable, like room mates that have sex now and again. With all the time I was spending away from him he ended up turning to another for the kind of comfort he needed. One day I walked into our home, after 10 years together and my personal belongings were packed, and he told me to move back to Canada. So, I loaded up my vehicle and moved.
At 48 years old I found myself in a situation that I’ve never been in before. A little over 2 years ago I’m driving 1600 miles and wondering why he didn’t tell me sooner that our relationship was over. We had played with women in the past and I wondered why he didn’t just find someone to play with during my absence, someone that I could have helped him find. But, I realized after, that the lifestyle was no longer an interest to him. I’m grateful for the time that I had with him, but I would have much preferred that he be truly honest with me so that I wasn’t thrown out on my ass, dazed and confused.
Now I had no home, no partner, no security anymore and I was scared. I had a place to stay but not my own. I was starting all over again. I was never so emotionally low as I was at that time. I struggled to regain my independence because I was hurting and wasn’t interested in finding another Dom who could potentially hurt me the way my ex did. I took a break so to speak.
If I wasn’t an intelligent, strong woman I would have been nearly destitute. But, over the years I saved for what I called “a rainy day”. The rain came down hard and fast I tell you. But, I made a home for myself. Proud of myself for having that strength to build a life of my own. I never was alone before, I always had a Dominant in my life and it felt strange. I tried dating a vanilla man, but it wasn’t fulfilling.
I eventually started feeling that need to serve someone. I started on a BDSM dating site and met a couple of Doms, one of whom became a serious threat that included a lawyer and the police. But strangely enough it didn’t deter me. I had never had to search for a Dom for myself. I was always passed on to someone my previous Dom helped me choose.
Approximately a year ago I started communicating with a Dominant who I eventually gave my submission to and whom I am still collared to today. We live so far from one another and have only been able to spend time together in June/July. Neither of us can travel and I’ve started feeling this need to submit physically. I finally admitted this to him and he’s given me permission to find a local Dominant.
Eventually I want the complete D/s experience. One that is 24/7, long term, and real time. That is who I am, that is who I’ve always been. Online can be fun I’m sure, the fantasies that can come from it and there is still that special bond that can be built but the physical part is something I will always need and want. I need that touch, I need to feel the completeness of physically playing. Then the aftercare, the comfort and security I feel when being held and loved.
It’s not just the play that I crave, it the little things as well. Curled up at his feet, with my head in his lap, his hand brushing my hair. Cooking his favorite meal. Giving him a massage after a long day. Walking just one step behind him with my hand in his or a finger in his back pocket. Just taking care of his daily needs!
I want to feel that deep connection physically, to hear him say “good girl” and not just reading it, to see the pride on his face when I have pleased him, to be guided and loved by a Dominant man!
I want it all and I don’t think I’m being selfish at all. I’d be selfish if I didn’t want to share the love and servitude that I have to offer a Dominant Man.
