Real Housewife of Kink

I feel like I am an empath. I can see or hear something and I feel it deep in my soul. Tonight, scrolling thru tik-tok, there was a video of a black man being handcuffed. It was an aggressive take down, he wasn't resisting. What struck me was him screaming out "I CAN'T BREATHE!" as an officer was pushing on his neck. He looked like he passed out for a little bit. That poor man, they thought he had a gun...he had his phone in his pocket.

It's shit like that, it will put me in the weird head space. I feel like I could cry, yell, or a combo of the both. Then, I self loathe and feel like crap because I could go out and do something about this. Instead of feeling sorry for myself. 

*sigh*

A change is coming. I can feel it. I am not afraid or weary of this change, I feel it will be for the better. My bleeding heart wants to save everyone and make things right, fair, and just in the world. 

This came out a few years ago. Childish Gambino aka Donald Glover is so freaking talented. It was and still is a powerful video. It touches on so many themes. Watch it twice, I guarantee you missed something.

* deep breath*

So, as part of our kink, Mr and I love to show off well, me. I like to think that I have a good body, and my Mr loves it. I am his "goddess" he says. Being on the Cage as a relatively new user to BDSM lifestyle, I jumped head first into it. I was not prepared for the amount of attention. That was my naivety, completely and utterly naive to what online would have. It's been 13 years since I have posted anything sexual in nature online. I was not prepared for the bombardment of so called "doms". My Mr and I set up some boundaries and guidelines for me. As someone who is naturally nice to everyone and trusting, it was hard to distinguish people who genuinely wanted to get to know me as human being, and someone who just wanted to get to know my tits better.

After a few upset instances or predators continually trying to push me out of my boundaries. I decided to take down my more provocative pictures. Which, is shame. In some ways, I feel like they won. They made me feel like I could not show my body on my terms. In some ways, I think they did win. They wanted me to feel just like an object. I did, I reached out to a friend on here for some wisdom. It was very helpful. It helped that Mr set clear boundaries for me. That way, I don't feel like a rude person. I want to take back that feeling like I was just a piece of meat. I am so much more than that. So, my body is here for display and my Mr likes to show it off.

So, with Mr.'s permission, I have asked him to find a photo that he really likes of me. I have always been self conscious of my booty. Mr, loves it. With his permission and approval. Nikki booty.

*Edited - I took one pic down, better to start slowly again.

My Mr used to say how he loves the shape of me. I never could really fully understand what he saw. I haven't been the most kind person to my body. I wished for a bigger butt, smaller tummy, an hour glass shape. Just everything that was the opposite of what I am. In just this last year, I have finally appreciated my body what is brought me in my life. I have strong legs that can carry me and my children everywhere, Super strong butt, not a huge booty but a decent one. One thing I have always like was my breasts. I think I actually got lucky with them. I have thick hair, which is something I used to hate growing up. Now, I am grateful for this hair. With time I am learning to love my body.

First, I would love to thank lovely TheChimera for setting this blog challenge up. This is so wonderful for everyone to spread a little positive energy. Also, thank you for allowing me in your den. For being one of the funniest people on the cage. You are so incredibly talented and truly a beautiful person.

 JadeMermaid Thank you for being so kind and welcoming to a newbie like me. You are hilarious, you are gorgeous, and you have a huge heart. Thank you for the laughs in chat and the guidance. You bring such a wonderful energy to this community. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

MisterAnderson Thank you also for being so funny in chat. You are a wonderful writer, I truly enjoy reading it. You have been very kind and I appreciate it. 

obsequiae  The man with the many music tastes. You always have a funny clip to go with whatever we are talking about. You are always so articulate and kind. 

Lately, there have been people being hurt by things that have triggered them. I don't want to speak on behalf of anyone else and their experiences. I only have mine and my reactions to them. Of course I do have my things that could trigger me. One of them I will share. It took me years to fully be able to talk about this incident without bursting into tears or ripping someone's head off with a different opinion. So, please be patient and kind with me.

I grew up in the mid-west, small town with a mostly Caucasian. Mostly farming community, very close knit families that have lived there for generations. Now that I have set the scene. One day in September 2003 our small town high school had a school shooting. We lost two students lives that day. Three if you count the shooter incarcerated. There are things about that day that will never escape my memory. The principle calling for a "red alert lockdown". We had no idea what that was at the time. I sincerely thought that terrorists were attacking our school. Lockdowns weren't a thing yet, it wasn't the norm. I'll remember hearing a stampede of kids running from the gym (where the shooting happened), the helicopters circling outside. The sound of the principle calling for a student to come to the office. I knew then, that his twin brother was one of the victims. Seeing him slowly walk down the glass hallway with his head down. I will never forget that sight. Also, you have never known fear when a Sheriff bangs on your class door, shotgun in hand sweeping the room. Then, he yells at us to run to the next school. We had to run to the nearby elementary with our hands in the air. I remember crying and seeing my sister, knowing that she was safe and not hurt. Some things just never leave your mind.

One thing that is a huge trigger for me is school shootings. I have had to calm myself and turn off the news. I have had to bite my tongue with people who are huge gun nuts. Who believe that school shootings are hoaxes or actors. I have a complicated history with guns. They scare me. People who are nuts about them scare me. The thing is though, that is my issue with it. Not anyone else's. How is anyone supposed to know that I have PTSD from that moment. So, I thought I would share a tiny sliver of my mind. Why I don't pipe up when gun talks come up. Also, I know people who like and love guns aren't all crazies. I am fully aware. I definitely don't want to ruffle feathers about this.

I normally am very private about things like this. I keep them very close to my chest. I normally am very happy and sweet. I don't let anyone see into that dark part that is not all roses and gems. Except of course my Mr, he has seen it all. And, I love him for that.

I am naive. I see the world thru rose colored lenses. I truly believe that there is so many wonderful and good people in the world. Being a positive person is something that I have generally always been. Don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of bad and terrible things that have happened to me. I was in a dark and negative place for a very long time. After suppressing some serious memories and emotions and, with much needed therapy and medication; I am a whole new person. This didn't happen overnight. It took years to finally accept and conquer my personal traumas.

When I met my Mr. I was a wild and uncontrollable 21 year old. Even then, he was so in control of his emotions and feelings. We joke now that I wear every emotion on my face. I was not very kind to him at first. I didn't know how to be loved properly by someone who was so mature and caring.

My Mr. has always been a critical thinker, skeptical, looks at the world through a realist lens. Mr is the ying to my yang. We complete each other in more ways then one. I still am the wild and carefree woman he met all those years ago. He still is in control and very realistic about life. Mr brings out a more grounded side, he is my rock, he is the fungus that I can't get rid of. I like to think that I bring some sunshine into his life. That I make him laugh and shake his head with my hippie ideas and my housewives quotes.

I am so grateful to him. I am so glad that he is on this journey with me. Thankful that he has kept an open mind about everything that I would like to explore. Glad that we are doing this together.

I hope this fungus never goes away.

I would like to preface this by saying, I was feeling depressed today. For no particular reason. I have anxiety and depression. I guess you could say that it was brought on from missing people. I miss talking with and meeting new people. As an optimist, I believe that most people are good in this world. I miss my family, I have my immediate family so I am not alone. 

As I was writing this, a storm was coming in. Windy, dark, and rain pelting. Then, just as fast as it came in, it was all done. The sun shining, the wind died down. The storm had passed. Such a cliche example of moods. Which brings me to the title of my blog. I'm a former goth-lite kid, so of course one of the quotes from "The Crow" was "It can't rain all the time." That always stuck with me since I was 12, that quote. 

I am rambling again. 

I just miss working and miss meeting new people.

I also really miss going to HomeGoods.