Real Housewife of Kink

Happy holidays!

I hope everyone is doing well and had a great holiday. How is everyone coping? Are we just skating by? Doing everything at a minimal effort? Are you thriving during this time? Please, I would love to know. As a housewife, I am home all the time now. With kids, with MR, our dog and cat. I feel a bit overwhelmed. 

I am hanging on. I try not to dwell too much on it. I know other people in the world are having a way tougher time than I am right now. I expressed this to my MR and thank god for him. He is giving me some tasks and a list to do so that I feel accomplished. Feeling out of control and not like myself is such an awful feeling. I am grateful that he can bring me back down to Earth and make me feel secure. 

With this second surge in my area, I have put on hold the strict dieting and excessive exercising. I have been making more comfort foods as of late. I feel happy and I make sure my man is happy. A few little extra pounds now for a happy home and mental health is well worth it in my opinion. 

I haven't been myself in a long time. I feel very depressed and have no energy. I know, I have depression and anxiety. I'm on the smallest of doses with medication. I think it may be time to talk to my doctor about upping the doses. Even now, I'm having trouble even typing anything. I have just been sitting here staring at the screen and looking for songs to cry to.

I normally put the mask on. You know the one we all do. "I am doing good, how are you?" When internally you are just a mess. 

I did just email my doc to talk about upping my dosage for anti depressants. 

How is everyone mentally handling things right now? Are you just getting by? Are you thriving? I would love to know.

*Warning* Hippy metaphysical and witchy stuff ahead. I swear, I'm not a completely insane person.

I've been dipping my toes well, swimming in my spiritual side. Tonight was a new moon, for new beginnings and manifestation. I was starting to question myself and even during it, started to just feel a big sense of unease. I decided to just let myself go. Let myself feel everything. Thank the universe and my guides. Once I was done, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I felt, like I was so at peace. 

I have never felt like that before, in church or anything. I have tried, multi denominations. Instead, I just felt like an impostor. Like, I didn't belong with these other "believers". 

Anyways, I feel good. That is all that matters.

I've been really feeling myself lately. Maybe, it's the minor weight loss, the uptick in sex drive, or the full moon. Whatever it is, I'm loving it right now. With that, I've been feeling extra flirty. I have permission to flirt to my hearts content. Which, in reality is very hard for me. I get pretty shy and don't even try to attempt to flirt. I suppose, it's the same for almost everyone else online. Anyways, I flirted with this "dom". Turns out he's just a horny guy. My problem, was I think he was infatuated. Which, I'm digging since that's one of my kinks is to be so desirable. I wasn't expecting him to push my limits. Which resulted in a block. Mr assured me I did nothing wrong. We like to keep an air of transparency with everything that we do. Our motto is: "the couple that plays together, stay together."

I've been feeling so drained emotionally lately. One thing that has always helped is centering myself with nature. I have been taking more hikes with my family and taking Freya to the dog park more often. Also, I know this makes me sound like a basic bitch but PSL season is just around the corner. I am so PUMPED. It's basically almost Halloween in my mind. I LOVE spooky season. Give me all the scary movies, cooler weather, pumpkin everything, skulls, and even more witchy things.

Also, my girl Taylor Swift just released a new album. I am really digging it.

How do you shut off empathy? I am having a difficult time shutting that part of my emotions off. MR says I need to start to ignore things I see online. I do try, because I want to do what he says. The biggest culprit is Facebook. I don't try to use it hardly anymore. But, sometimes I catch myself scrolling thru to see what everyone is doing. WRONG MOVE. I feel like most of the people I grew up with have gone nutty. My former best friend was sharing crazy conspiracy videos, and biased news articles. MR says the internet is in the dark ages.  

I just feel so much at times. I see such biased information being spewed out and it angers me. Because people I love believe it and take it as gospel. I have gotten into screaming fights with family members over such things. I do wonder if I shouldn't say anything to them. 

Then, I look at my two kids and see that this is a crucial time in their life. If I were to sit on the sidelines then I am just as bad as everyone else. I want them to see me as a mother who would stand up for beliefs. 

I just don't know how to harden my emotions. I want to be this strong, bad ass woman. 

I like to think of myself as a pretty positive person. Shitty things have happened to me but, I consider myself pretty lucky. Something that has always been missing from my life was a spiritual side. I grew up Catholic and in a pretty strict household. I've always had a keen interest into mysticism. My mother and father always really discouraged anything like that. Which, piqued my curiosity even more. Because it was "forbidden".  I had tarot cards and was forced to keep them in my car. Fast forward 15 some years later, and here I am, considering which type of witch I am or even pagan. 

I know this isn't everyone's or most people's cup of tea, it works for me. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who doesn't freak out over me saving egg shells and burning incense. I feel most at peace in the middle of the woods. Just listening to nature around me. I would love to just go into the woods and do some spell work. I am a little afraid that someone would walk up on me and I would freak them the fuck out. 

I have baby boomer parents. They are approaching their mid to late 50's. In turn, along with this crazy year, my parents are starting to go crazy. I can not tell you how many times I've had to fact check their conspiracy theories. Even with FACTUAL evidence, I'm just biased and I'm getting my info wrong. 🤦‍♀️ The latest phone call ended in a screaming match between my father and I. I felt berated and belittled for being concerned about my parents lack of pandemic measures. My parents love to entertain themselves such as: movies, races, restaurants. You know, places with larger crowds. They have been going out to eat, not wearing masks, and telling me that I "take this too seriously".

I'm at my wits end with them. MR and I decided that we will distance myself from my family. If they don't take the proper precautions, then we just won't be around them. This is for my own sanity and well being. I can't keep worrying over my family anymore. This is so out of character for me to just ... kind of cut them off for a bit. I know, it will make them feel better and myself to just step away. It just sucks.

Today, I did a thing.

After hemming and hawing I decided to join Weight Watchers. Added some quarantine weight on, and my metabolism is working at a snail's pace. I need change and accountability. After some coaxing, Mr was on board. So, here's to a new realistic and healthier path. I'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. A healthier version of me needs to come out, my kids need my best version that I can give them. 

Here's to more vegetables to be grilled, more fruits to be consumed, leaner cuts of meat, and a healthier pallet.