Good Morning to Everyone!
Holy shit. Mind blown.
I would like to take a moment for all us to think deeply on what it is we want in life. I've been using my vacation to work on many parts of who I am.
Physically I wish to control my body at will, with no hesitation. In short I want to master my physical presence. Calisthenics has been my path to that end, and I am making decent progress. I hope to share good news about this soon in the future.
But I'm not struggling physically at this moment.
Today has been a test of my will. My emotions and where my mind is at. I have an opportunity to fulfill one of my deepest desires. Something that until hours ago I wasn't even willing to look at myself.
First let me begin with a bit of my past, as each moment in our present has some ghost of the past driving it. Some moment, filled with anguish, resentment, failure, or remorse that still takes hold of us today.
My father is a very religious man, and I remember many of the lessons I have been taught by him. He showed me how to give myself, how to care for others, how to work diligently, with purpose. He showed me the honour in being truthful (even though I warped those lessons to deceive everyone around me). I used and abused, and took what I could at moments that I'm not proud of. I held onto the passive aggressive nature in my family and allowed it to guide my actions into petty choices that furthered no one's journey. My own or that of those around me. I also learned from him the way to take action, to handle what needs to be taken care of. How to be a father and husband. But this is the crux of the issue. I learned his perspective of "how to be, how to act, how to think."
One of his perspectives (although my father had dramatically changed now) I remember clearly "Sex before marriage is a sin, masturbation is a sin, monogamy is the only way." Everything else would condemn you to hell, and so on and so forth. I have held onto those views my entire life. I have been victim to the thoughts and perspectives that my father held.
I have allowed his perspective to shape and guide my own. But such is the task of a father, to guide his children so that they may go forth and become themselves. The thing is, for me and what I believe. For me and the things I want, are in direct contrast to those old adages my father told me. What I have always believed for my entire life. His perspective, that has shifted my view so that when I looked at my desires I felt revolted. I felt sick and diseased. When I first came to find this online community, I was shocked and so relieved. I felt like I could express myself and not fear what those around me had to think. I was finally among like minded individuals that *understood* me. I didn't have to hide anymore. I felt free for the first time in my life!!!
But I'm slowly realizing that there is more to it than just that. It wasn't in just how I viewed my desires. I wasn't effected in just one way. The depths of how the past effect us, can filter down into the marrow of our soul. It seeps into all of you in a way you might not even recognize. I have an opportunity before me to own 2 slaves. They both have expressed their interest in being owned by me. The thought and prospect of being the Master to two willing individuals has long been a deep seated desire within me. I have seen it, and known it and everytime I have looked at that part of myself I have shunned it, looked on with disgust and refused to allow myself that part of me.
Why?
Because of my father. Because long ago I had a thought process that was ingrained into who I was in such a way that it altered my view. It was my choice to allow my father's perspective to influence me. I allowed part of me to hold space for his beliefs in regards to my wants and desires! I let that happen, I made it happen. It was my choice to allow everything he instructed me as a boy to define the man I became. Some parts were with good reason, I deeply care for those around me and wish to serve my life for my community, my job, and my potential sub. I have a strong set of morals in what I believe to be right and wrong. I act with as much integrity as I can walk with. Many things I have learned from my father have helped me to become a decent man.
Decent is not good enough for me though. I am a decent man and I know this about myself. I know I also have great potential to fail and have caused the own destruction of my relationships through the actions I have chosen. I'm complicated, but we all are. The thing that I recently realized is this: I allowed the mechanisms of my past to forge who I am in this moment. I allowed my father to dictate something about myself that I know and realize is true for me. I have shunned myself, refused myself, laughed and mocked myself all because of his perspective. I am a grown adult. Living on my own. (Sure my wife might be my roommate, but we no longer interact as husband and wife) But I realized that to deny my desires, to deny who I am doesn't effect my father. The only person it hurts is me. The only person suffering is myself, for not being able to look and accept who I am. I have begun to see myself, I have taken long looks at that which is my mental state. My emotional state. My physical state. I see all of who I am, and I accept me.
I have begun to explore the idea that maybe monogamy is not for me. That perhaps opening myself to new thought processes and ways of existing could further allow space for myself in my heart. I haven't given myself enough of my time, and I have denied myself so many things and have continued to do so my entire life. I refuse to allow that in my life. It is mine to live. My life to make my mistakes, and make my own decisions. We have limitless potential for who we make of ourselves. We only need to take a step back, examine who that is, and then move forward with our new sense of self. To be confident and at peace.
For me today, I have obtained something precious. I have a new sense of my self. I have seen all of what and who I am, and for the first time in my life I won't turn away. I will accept my desire. I will accept my shortcomings. I will accept my past. I will use all that I have learned to step out from the shadow of my demons. I forge myself anew. The most shocking thing about all of this? I'm excited to know me, I'm full of joy that wasn't there before, because I am celebrating everything that is who I am. I'm not hiding some small piece holding it away from the light. I finally feel free!!! That freedom is self awareness, and taking the time to understand and accept who *you* are.
So again I ask those that have read this, to spend some time with yourself today. Become comfortable in who you are. Because you are beautiful, and full of joy, light and laughter. Embrace who you are, and relish in the fact that we have the potential to choose anything for ourselves. It's all a matter of creating understanding. Which begins by looking. Listening. The best time to look and listen is when there are no distractions to draw our attention. But you must find time, and make time. Because it's for YOU!!! Never have I held such space for myself, and I dare you to try and grasp it for yourself. It's liberating, and frees your soul.
Everyone has a different path they must walk, and no one can manage your steps but you. So take charge of who you are, live your life diligently. Be honest and open with yourself, and celebrate the beautiful uniqueness that makes you so special.
I hope everyone is well today, and that we may all take a step forward for ourselves.
