This one is NOT about food

So over the last few days I have been slightly absent from writing. I was distracted and working on my experiment, I didn't want to distract myself so I could focus on what I was attempting to do. 

Now I feel as if I have been absent too long. I want to write, I want to express myself but I have no idea on this blog. There was one key point I wanted to get across but this is about to be tossed together in the most absent and incoherent way. 

I wanted to speak about the struggle that exists within my mind. 

So recently my wife went away for a trip, unfortunately it was cut short and she had to return earlier than anticipated. I had very high hopes for what I was going to accomplish on my own. How motivated I was going to be. How I was going to be held responsible for everything and accountable for every aspect of my life. I was going to do amazing and become the person I needed to be.

At least that was the intention. 

As usual I fell way short of the mark I had set for myself. I don't think I set my goals too far ahead of what's attainable. I should have been able to wash my dishes after making a meal. Keeping organised and clean. Although neither of those are my strong suits in life. It was a chance to be better than I was. To show massive improvement in an area that I struggled in. 

See, I always do the little tiny insignificant things really well. They are not really a challenge and I can get motivated to accomplish the small things. The issues arise when I try to challenge myself to the things that I don't enjoy. SHOCKER!!!! The things I dislike doing are more challenging to get motivated to achieve? 

Here's where I really get stuck in my mind though. So we try and do our best. What happens when you completely "fail" yourself? Now, I'm not talking about messing up or making a mistake. We all do that, and it's apart of life. Where I really fall short is my weak minded mentality when it comes to serving myself. 

So I wake up, the sun is shining and I have an entire day of "nothing" planned. I have chores, things I have needed to accomplish. Not just maintaining cleanliness, but actual jobs that should be taken care of and handled today. I set in my mind, "Today I will commit to *insert task here*". The problem is when you then spend an entire day on the couch binging Netflix. So I get to the end of the day, nothing of significance was accomplished. Maybe a few pushups here, a tiny bit of beatboxing but that's the fun easy stuff. It's not a challenge to work on that. Nothing that needed to be accomplished was achieved. I'm trying to learn to apply grace and forgive myself for the errors and mistakes I make, but how do you apply grace to yourself when you literally walk in "failure" each day? 

So I want to be as clear as possible. This is not about failing to do some chore. I mean yes the surface level I did not accomplish this thing, but the real issue is within me. That moment when I say "Today I commit to". I want to live with honour and integrity. When I say "Today I will accomplish" and do not follow through on that statement it means I have chosen to disobey myself. There is no longer honour in my word because I tasked myself with a set of actions to be completed. It's the easiest, most simple thing. When you say something commit to following through with action! How hard is that???? For me, it seems like trying to climb a mountain, blindfolded with all the wrong tools. 

When I turn myself into a liar, when I choose to relax and sit on my ass all day, when I fail to follow through on my word it deeply impacts my mental well being. So how should grace look in this moment for me? When I apply grace it usually is in the form "Oh well, try again tomorrow." To me that is the most poisonous way of thinking, and the incorrect way to apply grace in my life. If I allow that mindset to overwhelm me, I fall into the habit of saying to everything "Oh well, we can do that tomorrow." Funny part is, tomorrow never comes. It's always there just out of reach, because tomorrow transitions into today. Then there is a new bar set for tomorrow. It's a constant cycle that I will never escape. I can trap myself there, creating a negative cycle into the deepest parts of hell inside myself. That self abusive hate comes out and creates this void that swallows all positivity within me, and soon I can spiral into absolute nothingness. I have let it happen far FAR too often in my life. 

Part of all of this was in realization during my experiment of "How do I serve myself?" I want to become a servant to myself, and follow through on my convictions. I want to live with honour and integrity, and if I do not hold those aspects within myself how could I ever expect anyone else to do that for me? There is no one beside us, and we must walk alone. As much as we may have help, we still have to struggle and put one foot in front of the other. No one else can do that for us. We must choose to move forward. 

So thinking through all of this. I don't want to give myself any excuses. It's an easy thing. It's a simple thing. All it takes is action. Simple action and effort. So now, I have to learn to apply grace and forgive myself in a way that does not allow me to slip. To fall back into old habits that stop me, and can let me fall into that negative spiral. I mean forgiving yourself should place you in a positive spot, and set you up for success and continuous movement forward. The way I apply grace creates a cycle that has such potential for negativity. 

So I want to take this time to figure out the way that I need grace in my life. I want to be honest with everyone around me, including myself. More than anyone I let myself down, and I fail myself more than I fail anyone else. If I can learn to serve and honour my own word I know how empowering that will be in my journey. It will help propel me forward in a way that I have been stagnant. In a way that I have struggled with for so long. Especially when you think of it in these terms. As a dominant individual how can you ever expect an s type to follow your rules and orders if YOU can't follow those same rules yourself? You should be held to the same standard that you want your person to uphold. There needs to be order and no matter what you both need to be accountable to the guidelines that have been established. The system fails when one side is expected to follow every rule, and the other side may break every rule with impunity. 

So in honour of the lifestyle and to the person who may decide to create a dynamic with me, I need to get this sorted in myself. I can do no good to anyone else, if I first can't uphold my own word. I have been a liar for a very long time in my life, and I never fully understood how much it took from me. How much it poisoned me daily. Until I broke away from the constant failure, and started to live honestly and with integrity. When I can look at my actions and no matter who reprimands me or says anything about how I chose to act, if I can validate and explain to myself how and why I acted that way then let it be. That's all I can do. So long as I hold to my own standards. So long as I manage to live with integrity to myself. 

So now that I see the path forward, how do I deal with the failure along that path? How should I apply grace in a positive way to help me move forward? Right now I can't answer that question. At this moment I can't see how to forgive myself. All I know is that I'm tired of failing myself. I am saying that I have no value. I'm telling myself that I'm not worth the effort. By failing to act, I'm telling myself that the things that I need to accomplish are not significant. Have I ever let down my parents/teachers/friends and even strangers when they have asked something of me? Not really, so why do I allow myself to fail me constantly? Why am I not good enough to stand up and hold value for me? Why do I regard myself with such a small way? How do I forgive myself when I fail in all the tiny and significant ways in life? 

A lot of questions that I don't have the answers to yet. But I think it has to begin with honesty with ourselves. Saying "Yes, today you failed." Acknowledge your lack of success but take stock and evaluate it objectively. It can't be "Oh I'm just terrible, I failed and I'm no good." Although for me as soon as I acknowledge my weakness, my smallness and fragility I can turn around on itself into its own cycle of negativity. As you can tell I can turn almost any moment into an opportunity to negatively spiral. So how do I break this cycle and put an end to this self abuse? Okay so honesty with myself sure, but the next step is so crucial. Not letting that acknowledgment get out of control. "Today, I failed this way:" I am going to try and set a time limit. Give myself 10 seconds to feel my failure. Count to 10, and go over why you failed, what stopped me from accomplishing my goal that I set for that day. Was it laziness? Or some freak event out of my control? Did I have control over the failure? Okay, so now hopefully I have been able to determine why I failed. Now how to correct that failure. For handling my laziness it is as simple as not turning on my PS4 until I have accomplished my goal. As soon as I can distract myself with something more entertaining there goes the neighborhood. Nothing gets done. So I need to have the discipline to say "Not until your homework is done." I need to apply discipline to myself in ways that goes beyond my diet, my physical well being. It has to be a mental discipline, to harden my mind and my resolve. To take action when it is needed, and not shirk my responsibility. 

When we end up in a terrible situation, the why and how we ended up there doesn't really matter. We are now stuck here, whether it's our own fault or because of someone else. Complaining and arguing over how terrible things are will do little to improve the situation surrounding you. It just takes some action, once you understand where the failure occured. 

So I'm going to try and identify where I've failed and why I've failed. If I can locate that, then perhaps I can build a gameplan around that failure to combat it. Then I need to find a way to say to myself "It's okay. You are talented and can accomplish this." I need to remind myself that I have the potential to improve and so long as I remain diligent, disciplined and apply patience I will move forward. It may take years, maybe months, but I've been this way for 28 years. I need to remind myself that this has been ingrained in me for my entire life, and to break this habit will take time. Patience. There is no rush to achieve everything tomorrow, but move forward someway. No matter how small, just move forward. Just move. 

So I guess I have a tiny little gameplan, now is making sure that I follow my own rules. Let's see how this works for now, and realize I may need to tweak the process. We aren't perfect and just need to try. Put the effort in. Just try as best we can. 

I commit to myself. I commit to being the best most authentic version of me. Live with integrity and honour. Be honest. Discipline and patience. There is no rush, but work towards constant improvement. 

I hope this helps me move forward, and hopefully to those that took the time to read this there is something useful you can take away from this post.

Have a great night everyone!