Hello friends,
So there has been a tremendous amount of growth happening within my life lately.
I feel a little disappointed that I have not been as consistent with my blogging as I enjoy expressing myself through this medium. The issue that I have struggled with lately is the idea behind intention.
I want to write in a meaningful way that will offer assistance to someone who might read this.
The thing is we don't always make a difference in the lives of those we interact with. There is a level of which we will impact those around us, but sometimes the significance is minimal.
I get inside my own head often, and most times when I begin to spend ample time within my own mind it will find a way to turn negative.
So I am here trying to make a difference in my own life today. I would like to share with you some of the success that I have found within myself, as well as the moments that I struggle because I can only express my honest thoughts and opinions on my experiences.
It's been so long I am not even sure where to begin to catch up on all the major events that have occured recently.
So let's start with my relationships. It was my brother's birthday just a few days ago, closer to the beginning of the week. I have not had the greatest relationship with my family and actually have spent close to 6 year's with almost no contact with any of them. For the first time in a long time I spent time with my brother, sister, parents and my niece's and nephews. It was a really simple night, and we were fortunate not to get rained on as a storm was in the neighborhood and had a high likelihood of erupting all over us. We had ordered food from Peters Drive-In, an old school drive through that is iconic in the city I live. My family used to go there when we were kids, and I have fond memories of enjoying milkshakes and french fries at the picnic tables feeding the birds and animals that would scrounge for food. It was nice to connect with my family and be apart of the family unit that I have felt like a black sheep within for a very long time.
My favourite moment was actually when I spoke with my sister. She is the most closely related to me, and I have always felt the most connected to her. We believe in similar things, and are a little more off kilter than the rest of our family. She understands me more than anyone else. But during the evening, I had an open conversation with her. I talked about part of my journey (she is aware of my interest in kink) but it had to do with my mental journey. I had spent some time meditating and I told her about my experience. About my desire to find a religion that speaks to my heart, AND I even swore a few times with my parents within earshot!!! Yeah, that for me was a big step. I enjoy cursing and sometimes there are moments when it is completely appropriate. My parents are strongly Christian and my entire life I was raised not to curse, so to be an adult and choose my words without consideration for how it might affect them is a big step for me.
The thing is I will tend to alter myself to fit the people around me, and when I find out something makes you uncomfortable I will do my best to not trigger that awkwardness. So, take for instance my parents strong disdain for cursing. In my highschool days and throughout university I continuously hid who I was and am because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me. I still don't think they would have an easy time accepting who I am, which is why I have placed necessary boundaries around the relationships with my family. Although for me to say, "I curse" and will in front of you is something I never did because I didn't want to upset my parents. I do try and respect that there are those that don't enjoy that kind of language and I can find creative ways to express myself without cursing. The thing is I don't want to hide from my family. I can respect you and still choose to be myself and the most comfortable version of myself. Which just might happen to be the type of person to express themselves using explicit language. I was exceptionally happy with how I choose to express myself. I was open and honest and truly me, in many ways that I have hidden from those closest around me.
So!!! The birthday. I was nervous showing up. I mean yes, they are family. But I've also not been around them for years. My fears were unfounded though and I had a lovely time and it was nice to see everyone be together to celebrate my brother's birthday. The fact that I was even apart of it once again, just to be there. It was nice. Plus, I didn't let anyone walk over me with how I acted!!
So many positive moments and we even took some family photos which has been a long time for us, considering I haven't been in any "family" photos in years.
I have put effort to improving my personal relationships with my family, and I have been extremely fortunate to be able to connect with friends that understand and accept me.
I'm even working on improving the relationship with my ex. She had some difficult and trying times going through an ordeal with her relationships, and I was able to offer her some support. In being there for her she has opened up more and given me back some of the space that I once held. We have both been very clear with each other though and understand we are much better off as friends, and as such we have been able to take steps forward in our friendship and will continue to make those steps because that relationship has value and importance to both of us (I believe. I can only speak for myself, but it seems she has found some value otherwise she would not pursue reopening some of how we connect) The thing is they might be little things but she asked me to help cut her hair, which we used to do together and was actually one of my concerns when we first separated. "How will I cut and maintain my hair by myself?" I choose to shave myself bald, and through the months haven't put any thought into what I want to do with it except allow it to grow. This was a small way I used to be able to help her in her daily life, and to be able to enter back into a place in her life where she is willing and able to trust me with her hair has significance and importance to me. I am very grateful to have her ask for my help once again, as she has taken a step towards opening some level of trust with me. I understand and know we will never get back to where we once stood, but that's okay. I made choices in the past, and those choices had the consequences of ruining our marriage. I mean there was a lot involved and I didn't destroy my marriage on my own. But I had a large hand in it, and I accept my responsibility for what occured.
The thing is I still hold onto my old mistakes, and even though I have proven in every interaction that is no longer the person I am, I still see myself as that boy that made those mistakes. My friend has asked me to find the 5 best qualities that I believe are my best strengths, and I still haven't been able to express what I consider to be my best qualities. In my head I still exist within my own past, even as I'm making strides to never return to those actions as they were unhelpful and caused nothing but destruction. I am moving on physically, and yet I am locked in this prison of my own creation, mentally. It is belief in my own ability, and trusting that I am no longer that person. I haven't reached that point though, and I am working on cracking through that mental barrier that I have constructed around my previous actions. I have not made as much progress as I desire, but I will keep you fine folks informed of the progress I make or perhaps the slip ups I encounter along my way.
The other dramatic change in my life would be how I am taking responsibility of my household.
So I have begun to work some self affirmations and mantras into my daily routines. Morning and night as best I can. The thing is part of my mantra involves being "a good steward of myself, my wealth, my property and my home". I've been thinking through the words of what my mantras mean and how I can best embody the words I speak to myself.
The thing is to be a good steward is to be responsible, capable, in control, organized, and to take ownership of all aspects of your life. So how do I take responsibility for my property? It's about cleaning up after myself, cleaning my dishes and vacuuming. Going into my yard and mowing my lawn. Speaking of, I actually mowed my backyard pretty much since moving into my house almost a year ago. Needless to say I have been negligent in my duties around my house was a bit of an understatement. I let everything get out of control. The thing is I have set time aside and effort to improving those aspects of my life. I set my timer when I didn't want to work in the backyard so that I would have a well defined set amount of time that I required myself to do that task. I only had to try my best and for however long the timer was set to. Once the timer went off, I could stop and most times when the alarm did end up going off I wound up ignoring it to just finish what was in front of me. That last little bit.
How do I become a good steward of myself? That's pretty simple. Take responsibility and take care of your self. That is maintaining your hygiene and cleanliness. Showering regularly. Looking after your mind and heart and making sure you are in good standing emotionally as well as physically. I have been putting effort into my physical well being and have dedicated much of my time to mastering my body and self. I need to turn my attention to focusing and mastering my mind because that is where I fall short most often.
How do I become a good steward of my wealth? It's sorting and taking control of my finances. Ordering my life and behaviours to work with my financial situation. That would be simple things like prepping meals so that I have food to bring while at work so I don't spend 40 dollars a day buying food at work (which I have done on some days, I hate when my stomach is yelling at me to feed it) It's also about taking the time to balance my budget and figure out where my money is going and what I need to spend my money on. It's also about taking the wealth that I do have and being able to share it when appropriate. Currently it is not appropriate for me to spend my money on anything that is irrelevant, because I have to focus on my necessities and the requirements to keep myself fed, clothed, and protected from the elements. I need to make sure that my animals have food, and that I can afford my insurance and bills. I have MANY steps to righting myself and becoming a good steward of my wealth, but I am taking the tiny steps in the right direction to get there.
I originally titled this blog post "Getting Lost" because I felt like I haven't found who I am yet and that I am still searching for the 5 best qualities within myself and how can I move past the issues of my history. The thing is, that's the negative view that I have always been looking at myself with. I choose to change the title to "Getting Found" because I have found a lot within myself. I have dramatically improved and I can see that within myself and I must acknowledge it more often.
I am not the same person I was. I will constantly change and evolve, and I need to believe and have trust within myself.
I have a friend that I play videogames with, and one day I was telling him part of what was occuring within my life. The drastic changes that had occured and part of what I was dealing with. He made a small comment and told me "I'm going to send you something". That was weeks ago, and today the thing he sent finally arrived in the mail today. When I opened his letter and read what he had written and the gift he had sent me I was almost speechless and tears came rolling down my cheeks. He had sent me some money, for no reason and with only the hopes that it would help me. The thing is when I first saw the cheque he had sent the thought that rolled through my brain was "I don't deserve this". Why should I deserve anything? He felt the need to offer assistance for no real reason other than he felt he should and he had the means to offer help. He didn't ask for a thank you and even requested that we not even talk about it. I had to send him a message saying I recieved his letter and I did thank him, because I won't be someone who ignores something that has significance to me. His help has immediately changed a dire situation to one that is manageable. I can't ignore that, although I will try my best to honour his wishes and not bring it up again. But when something (doesn't have to be financial) if it is important to me, or if I see value in it I need to express how important that is. How valuable it was. Whether it's a conversation, or a moment with someone. I want to be able to express to those in my life when and how they do something that matters to me. I want those that matter to me, to understand when they impact my life in a positive way.
I am also a really simple person.
Care to take a guess what my absolute new favourite piece of jewelry is right now?
So I used to have a necklace that my ex gave me. It was a cross and had a tiny diamond right at the centre of the cross. It was a beautiful necklace and I loved the chain. It was a little thicker and felt really comfortable around my neck. I can still remember the first night I took off that necklace and choose to leave it off me. I could feel the lack of weight. It felt like 30 pounds had been removed, and I could feel the emptiness of that spot on my throat where the necklace would have laid. It was dark and my thoughts were so focused on the space that no longer held her necklace.
Since then I haven't worn any jewelry, with the exception of my Xbox wristband. I don't typically consider that "jewelry" though.
The thing is this new piece of "jewelry" isn't jewelry at all. It's actually a black elastic hair tie... Hahahah yeah! That's right. The thing is I had a friend who asked me to look for something that I could associate with her, to wear so that I could feel closer to her. During my search I found this black hair elastic on the floor, even though it was brand new it was covered in some dirt from the floor. I gave it a quick shake and threw it on my left wrist. You want to know what my favourite thing to do with it now is? I will pull at it, and rotate it around my wrist while saying her name in my mind. I direct my thoughts and energy towards her and touch this cheap, inexpensive piece of elastic string that holds absolutely no value except that which I place on it. The thing is I never needed an expensive piece of bling, and having something with "no worth" that connects me to someone special in my life has immense value and I find myself directing my thoughts towards her daily since putting on this hair band. I have since moved it from my left wrist onto my right wrist and now it crosses over my Xbox wristband and has created its own unique indentation into my wrist. It may have little worth, but it has immeasurable value to me and is my absolute favourite piece of jewelry.
I don't need the fanciest anything. In so many ways we place value on articles disproportionate to the actual value of the item itself. Whether we overestimate it's worth, or undervalue it. But part of that is understanding the emotional value that you attach to that item. As you feel and connect to whatever is in your life, you will add emotional value to all those things you bring into your life. Whether that's a relationship or a specific item, we will evaluate and add this invisible value that only has significance to you. It's about accepting the importance that you place on those items in your life, and honouring them with the respective value you hold to that piece of what have you. Whether that's a someone who has immense value in your life or perhaps a simple piece of fabric that is just special for its meaning.
I am finding myself, and locating more of who I want to be. I am allowing my actions to follow my words and creating consistency in my life. I am making improvement and moving forward each day.
I am proud of what I have accomplished because it hasn't been easy for me. I am happy with where I am at, and yet I still see the expansive room for continual improvement before me. The thing is I see the ways I can improve my life, and I am beginning to recognize where I need to make more effort. I know myself and what I don't like. I know where I struggle. The difference is now I'm beginning to see what action I need to take in order to change that which I don't like about myself. It's not just seeing the action I need to take, but following through with effort.
I am making strides, and I will continue to do so.
I am,
Getting found.
