Hello Cage friends,
Today I had a few thoughts strike through my brain and there was a clear moment when I had a deep realization. It was a lightning strike kind of moment and even while I was thinking about it the name for a blog popped into my head. I will get to what I had on my mind but first a bit of explanation from the history of my week for a little comprehension.
So while I was at work a few things happened. First there was a course that I had to do. This course was talking about respect in the workplace and the organization's policies on how to approach BAHD behaviour. BAHD behaviour is speaking about Bullying, Abuse, Harassment and Discrimination. Anyways as it was breaking down certain aspects of how to appropriately approach people and handle difficult behaviour they made a point in the presentation. It was about the fact that bullying and harassment isn't so much about the intention of the joke, or that particular action. It doesn't matter if you were playing around, or thinking "Well this doesn't bother me so why should it bother you?" But the fact of the matter is, how someone feels and interacts with your behaviour has more to do with their lens and how they view that impact. It's also very interesting to think about this topic in reverse, especially when dealing with BDSM and going into areas of play that some people might balk at and go "Ummm that's not okay at all...."
Because here's the thing. It's not your intention behind the act, (but I feel like this needs to be said very carefully because intention is EXTREMELY important but I will touch on that a tad bit later) as much as it is the bottoms interpretation of that act.
Example.
Degradation. There are a lot of people who are a little uncomfortable with the idea. And that's totally fine. It's an uncomfortable subject/kink to discuss because the whole essence of the form of play is to create a difference in power, to have one hold that above the other and degrade them. But is it actually degradation if that person desires to be treated that way? I mean even the simple act of using my hand to impact your skin. If it is craved and expressed as a need, or even just something you enjoy then the response of that person being bullied or harassed isn't there because they do not feel degraded or harmed when you strike them. So long as you have guidelines that have been followed. So long as you follow proper aftercare. So long as you still take the time to understand that this is a human with different emotions and well being each day that needs to be evaluated to determine if what you had in mind would be appropriate for that mental space (this person that holds tremendous importance to you) has that day.
I guess part of the point that I wanted to bring across is this. That love and appreciation can be shown in many forms, and be received in many different forms. Some people see degradation as a disgusting and vile thing that should not be entered into. And that is absolutely fair for that person. Every individual has the right to set their boundaries over what is right and fair for them. And NO ONE has any say on what and where you will draw the line for yourself. But what has to happen is those you spend time with need to respect your boundaries and ensure that they don't INTENTIONALLY cross that line.
So let me bring it back to this whole idea of intention. This thought that struck me.
I was attempted to do my handstand earlier today. I have been working at it and working at it. I am closer than ever to actually being able to master my handstand. The thing is though while I was going through, I encountered a section of time where my dedication was lackluster in regards to achieving this handstand. It has been a goal of mine for so long and I have put effort towards achieving it almost every single day (you know a few days off here and there). Today I managed to find almost the right balance. When I kicked up I didn't over rotate. My hands were in the right position, my shoulders fell into place as well as my hips. I was almost balanced and then I again realized why I had been trying so hard to accomplish this simple handstand. The thing was I had another goal. It wasn't good enough to just stop at mastering my handstand, because that's not my intention. My intention is beyond the current task. My intention goes beyond just taking this one simple chore I have set myself, because my end goal is the free standing hand stand push up. Today I had a clear moment of seeing that I almost had a chance at attempting my true reason for putting in all this hard work. I could almost move onto the next phase of training because my understanding of the fundamentals reached a certain level that allowed me to continue on. But it's still not quite there. So that just means I have more work yet to do in this specific area, and many many others.
Second example.
So my house is slightly disastrous. I had an insane amount of dishes and a generally unclean home. But today after I realized that I needed to remember what the intention beyond my task is in order to help motivate me, I saw my dirty house in another light.
It's not just cleaning up after myself. It's not just cleaning up for me. It's cleaning up and making sure that my property, and all that I own is treated with respect and a level of dedication that can be observed by simply looking at how I treat my property. If an s type were to walk into my home, despite all the smooth sweet words I have told them to get them here they may very well look around (at my house in its current state) and decide that "This fool is nothing but hot air and clearly has no ability to actually do what he says, I mean look at his kitchen. Dirty dishes and gross messes everywhere. He can't take care of anything, how the hell is he going to properly take care of me?"
The thing is that is not entirely false, and they would have every right to feel that way. Because it doesn't matter what item it is, if you can't show a bit of appreciation for the place you cook your meals, the utensils that are the mechanism to get the food to your mouth, the plate that supports all you desire to eat, and the pan that cooked it all up. If you don't show an appreciation for these small things then why would you show appreciation for someone who requires infinitely more effort and work than scrubbing a fork. Sort of the natural progression of things if you can't add single numbers together how will you mutlitple double digits?
The thing is I want to show that every part of my life I appreciate and show reverence and the knowledge and ability to care for my property. I want it to be apparent that there is no doubt in my s types mind from the moment they first walk through my door, that this is someone capable, dependable and responsible. There is no need to baby this person because they are already capable on their own. You don't need to hold my hand and neither should I have to hold yours. There is an understanding of ourselves, that self awareness and being able to openly express what you need and desire. In a way that allows space to be heard and to listen. So that we aren't codependent on each other, but can offer ourselves as best as possible to guide and help one another achieve this ideal we have inside our mind.
Of course we all need to keep realistic expectations especially if this kink is one you haven't actually practiced and merely only had the opportunity to think about. I mean the mind can glorify a task until it seems this unnaturally holy beyond all reason thing, that in reality will never be that pure and fantastic because in reality you actually can't stand the nature of that kink. I mean as an experimentalist when someone brings a new idea that I had maybe thought about and suddenly it becomes visible to you as a potential future, there is a complete difference in the way you think about that kink. It's no longer this phantom "Oh I could never see this occuring to/for me" but suddenly I have a tangible person that actually desires this and would be interested in exploring it with me, and we are currently discussing the fact that this could happen. All those thoughts that were pushed into the back of your mind come roaring forward and it's all you can think about. Suddenly seeing it as a potential reality sparks all that fuel that was lying dormant waiting for the right spark to ignite it all.
I actually had a moment where this whole lifestyle seemed to just finally make sense to me on a personal level because I was able to witness the formation of desire. I mean to be honest this lifestyle has always made sense to me, I just never saw it as such. But this very particular moment opened my eyes and I gained a new level of understanding, one that which had eluded me before within the grand scheme of what BDSM can offer.
I was speaking with a very new friend, and during our very enjoyable conversation she mentioned having a vision. As we were talking a thought popped into her head, but it was ill formed and not clear to her. She expressed this to me and attempted to describe what she saw. As she began to describe where she was, there was very little information. She could only give me two things about herself as well. This image is how she desires to see herself expressed through a mutual kink we both share. The thing is she isn't sure what it looks like, and what the final form is. The thing is I am still working on formalizing my vetting process, but in this moment I saw an opportunity.
When I began to understand that this image is her deepest darkest desire of how she wants to be seen, loved and cherished. It is her desire for herself expressed through this kink, and when I understood this I made a decision for myself. I choose to tell her that she was no longer allowed to tell me anything about this image. This is her private thought, although I can't stop her from sharing it with anyone. The thing is though, I want her to take her time and allow herself a small amount of time each day to work on finalizing this image inside her head. My intention is to have her present this image as a form of offering herself up, and in doing so would be saying "This is me and how I want to exist. This is who I am and who I desire to be." With all of this being said, there is much that needs to be worked through yet. But my hope is that we will continue to talk, and as we talk it will be easier for this image to manifest itself to her. If she is able to remain in my life, and she doesn't get tired of my face, and we don't encounter a deal breaker, or come to the realization we are better off as friends, or, or ,or .... You get what I'm saying any number of things can happen, that may just change your mind. And everyone has the right to say on any day "This is not for me and I am not okay with this, peace." Doesn't matter if it's the first day you are talking or the 10th year of being in a commited m/s type dynamic. Everyone can say no at any time for any reason. So the weight of responsibility should be heavy on your shoulders and if you begin to take for granted what is offered to you, then by rights it should be removed from your life.
I was told some time ago now, that a submissive worth their salt won't even be recognized for all the million little things she does because she sees what is needed and acts before you are even aware of your own need or desire. So if this person who can anticipate your need and supply it before you even recognize that it's necessary in your life goes above and beyond should you not be willing to do the same? And if you start to slack off and just take for granted the beauty of their service towards you can you say you've truly earned it? Because it is something to be earned every single day. It's not a thing of "Oh well you're mine now, so I can stop doing all the things I did to convince you to get you here."
It's the EXACT opposite. Once you find that connection and build something and see how you want to create together it should fuel more involvement and a deeper connection and further each of you towards your goals and how you see yourselves. It should be something that spurs you on, and invigorates you. Yes it will be work. Yes it will be hard. But the pay off is well worth the damn effort, because she is worth the effort.
I had another thought.
Oh I'm just full of thought today hahaha.
Distance sucks right? You start talking to this person and you begin to spend some time getting to know them. You realize how much you enjoy speaking with them, and how empty your life can be when you aren't speaking. Perhaps you are having a slow day and all you want is to hear that notification on your phone that tells you someone is trying to talk to you. And you look through and you just realize it's your friend Bob from work. And while it's nice to hear from him and see what's going on in his day, ultimately you are extremely disappointed because it wasn't the person you really wanted to speak with.
But all this time months pass and you continue to get to know each other and that thought that creeps into your mind. I want to see this person. I want to meet and touch and feel them. But there are miles between us. And not a short hop skip and a jump. I mean days of driving, hours of flying, months of walking (Perhaps if you really want to impress someone with your dedication take a few months to walk to them) but that distance becomes a problem for many. The thing is distance is funny. It's also not such a bad thing. Allow me just one more example.
I have a friend. She is an outstanding woman. I find her amusing, strong, resilient, hilarious, tender, and has the largest heart I know. The thing is I very much would love to see her become a bigger part of my life but that is extremely difficult when you are so busy you barely have time for the necessary things in your life much less a conversation online. The thing is despite the distance between us, it became very very clear to me that she is exactly where she needs to be in the world and the universe. I had a chance to be apart of an event in her life. She took the time to record her life and share it with me, along with a few photos. Do you know what struck me the most in all of the photos? Her smile. She was BEAMING, this bright beautiful stunning smile. She was full of joy, and you could see it in her eyes. The pride and celebration she was experiencing. When I saw her smile, I knew she was exactly where she needs to be at the time. She is where she can get herself sorted, where she can be a positive force in her own life, where she can affect change and literally make the entire world a better place. She is making a difference in the world we live in, and she is doing it for those most important to her. Today when I saw her smile, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and joy for her. The thing is as greedy as I am, and as much as I want her in my life she is exactly where she is needed and I can't take that away from her. It's all in your perspective of how to deal with this distance. I am choosing to celebrate that she is happy, and that she is where she needs to be in life. In a way, it's about practicing compersion. Happiness that she is where she should be in life, and happiness that we do get a chance to share with each other. Yes it may not be as much as I want, but she leads a busy life and I can't monopolize all of her time. It's just a fact though that I attach a much higher value to the brief moments we do get to share together because those become more precious considering their rarity. Although all my time that I spend with my friends is precious. Because these are very important people in my life, and ultimately I want to continue to grow each friendship and see what opportunity might just pop up in my life. I want to share my value with those that take the time to do so with me, because I have immense value that I can add into your life. I just need to ensure that those I offer my value to are worthy of what I can bring.
I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate and blessed that those who have entered into my life are sincere, honest and straightforward people. They allow me space to be myself and to show up just as I am, broken and as messed up as that is. They want more and the best of and for me. So I earnestly hope I can help fulfill their lives the way that I feel filled up. Because I have received so much from them. I just want to be deserving of the care and consideration I have been shown. And offer as much back as I feel I have been given.
I hope you enjoyed this blog, and were able to connect and recognize a few truths for yourself.
As always, thank you for your time in reading the words I needed to write today. Have an amazing evening, and a wonderful weekend.
