Hello Cage friends,
Today I had a bit of growth to achieve. If you happened to read my latest blog there is a bit of a discrepancy that I feel I must bring up.
Allow me to preface this with a little insight. No matter where we are it is wise to listen to those who have more experience, and when presented with new information that changes how you view things you need to consider that you don't have all the answers. There are people who have a wealth of knowledge found through error, and those who know what they speak of because they have gone through it themselves. It is prudent to listen to those who bring wisdom into your life despite the emotional feeling that may spring up from learning that information.
Yes I will admit my last blog was a tad bit confusing. But I don't believe it was wrong in anyway. Where I believe I made a grave error was in my word choice. The title I gave my blog was d/s friendship. Really it should have been d/s relationships. There is a very critical point to be made and understood. Friendship is different than the vetting process, and different than mentorship. It is the intention behind the reason of that process. You can become friends with anyone, based on common interests. But mentoring is yes in my mind a type of friendship but as a mentor there is much more behind it. It is meant to guide another into themself. To further their progress and bring them out of some misgivings or correct wrong thought processes. It is meant to garner growth within a similar field or area that you both find yourselves in.
Vetting is a very intentional process of "I like you more than I realized and I want to pursue something greater".
These are relationships and while friendship could be apart of both vetting and mentorship THEY ARE NOT FRIENDSHIP. It is something else entirely but the thing is friendship can be wrapped up and embedded within both the vetting process and the mentorship process. Doesn't mean that it always is, simply put you could ask a stranger to mentor you, just as you can ask a stranger to begin vetting.
Now time to switch gears here.
When I first stepped foot onto the cage I experience the typical Dom frenzy that is likely to occur. New sights, sounds, smells and interactions to be had in abundance. You kind of get that glazed look of a kid in a candy store and lose your mind just a bit.
Well it's been a while and I have shown tremendous growth within myself and met amazing wonderful fantastic people that I see being apart of my life for the rest of my life.
Here's the thing....
I hit another level of Dom frenzy and it has been distracting me from my ultimate current goal.
For the first time I have been able to envision these friends in my sphere of influence and yet the picture of that future is very muddled. There are about a billion reasons why I don't have a clear vision for my future and a big part of that is the future constantly shifts. Who knows that the friends I have today may very well find their perfect matches and that may very well not be me. Don't get me wrong, we will remain friends and I hope with permission to remain friends but the simple truth of the matter is that they may find some other dominant or individual that fulfills them completely. I want nothing more than their happiness and for them to find it with whoever they most need in their life. The hard truth is that may not be me, but if I am able to retain their friendship, and the value they add to my life then I will still benefit from them. Just not in the way I had imagined.
Here's the other kick to the teeth.
I've hit a second level of Dom frenzy.
It was sparked by the sudden realization that I desire to have these people in my life and can see them there. Even if the photo is fuzzy. I mean in an intimate, dynamic fully realized sort of way.
But in being so consumed with these thoughts of how will this future look, what steps should or could I take to get these people to this figment of my imagination I have lost all sense of myself. I am not thinking in terms of ME, I am thinking in terms of these specific faces and how would I do this for them, with them, beside them.
I have hit this Dom frenzy that has sparked my imagination and while that is a wonderful thing, it's pulling my attention away from what is most important to me right now in my journey.
It's that I still don't know myself. I still don't understand my deepest desire and from that I have no will that I can use to be the guide for the submissives of my life.
The thing is I am getting so focused on the faces of those I hope will be in my future, but the true reality is that they may not be.
I need to work on building my culture, understanding my deepest desire and creating the will that must be the driving force for my intention.
If I don't focus on what I want, and what my desire truly is then I am lost. Because sure I could have a kinky idea pop into my head, and spew it out loud and say "This is what I want". But that's just a kinky thought. It holds very little merit of my will, and doesn't speak to my intention. Sure I could bring that forward to an s type, and maybe they might agree and be all onboard to participate and that is wonderful. But that just being a top. That's just expressing a kinky thought. It may or may not align with my true desire.
Please don't misunderstand me, if that's what you are about then have at it. Express your kinky self however you choose to.
But my choice is of a little harder path. I'm not simply looking to do kinky things. I want to find myself, I want to know what it is that I want and need out of the people in my life. I want to understand myself and not rush this process. I need to begin within before I attempt to mold without. Because if I don't understand myself and my desire then as I push the plaster and attempt to create my submissive within that image there is no vision. The will and intention behind pushing that plaster around holds no meaning and I am simply playing in the mud making a mess. But I am making a mess of a very real live human, with emotions and hurts and trauma. I could be triggering them and all because I am poking and prodding around needlessly.
The thing is you can ruin your reputation and view of yourself so easily. One simple but significant mistake may be all it takes to skew the view of all of those around you. I am not looking to make mistakes. I seek perfection. But that's an impossible thing to accomplish, unless I know myself and what I begin to look for is that perfection for me.
Sooooooo,
All of this to say. I need a reset. I need to ground myself again. I need to stop worrying about the people I could potentially see in my future because it's not the future. It's today, it's the present. I have much more pressing issues to attend to first and foremost.
I need to find my desire, and find the will of intention that I want to use to begin my journey and those that put their faith, and trust in me to guide them with. Not some silly little idea that just popped into my head despite how fun I might think it is. I want to facilitate growth and not just for myself but for the individual that has decided to give of themselves to me. I want to crystallize that vision, and work towards it. But doing so the proper process is to look within, and find your will. To find yourself and know thyself.
I always speak about being understood. Expressing myself so that those I speak with understand what I am trying to get across to them.
But I've overlooked the simple fact that I don't understand myself. I'm rushing ahead trying to create and manifest these future situations and yet I don't even understand myself. That is folly, and what lies in waiting for me is nothing but destruction if I don't take a moment and calm the frenzy I have been feeling.
They say to master patience and you will master everything else. Well that requires being patient with yourself. That requires holding back and removing part of the emotional connection that makes you make rash decisions. I'm not saying to disconnect emotionally from those around you, but simply realize when you are being driven by emotion. That you may not make the best decision for all involved because you are using your bodies responses to drive and fuel your desire. You need to pause, and breathe. You need to let your desire fuel your will, and allow the emotion to be built upon the subsequent actions.
So yes I need a reset. I need to clear my mind of the futures I wish for, and focus on reality. The reality is there is still work to be done within myself, and for me and where I am at I need to focus on that as my primary objective instead of getting distracted by the potential futures I would like to see.
I hope you have found some insight with my words today, and I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Have yourself a day.
