Hello Cage friends,
So good to see you again. It's been a hot minute.
I feel the need to express a few things, lately I have not been rushing to share my experiences in quite the same manner as I once previously did at the beginning of my journey. I've grown and shifted, and continue to shift. But recently over these past few weeks I have gained a little more experience in a few different aspects and it was pointed out to me that there may be mutual benefit gained by expressing and sharing those moments of growth.
So allow me the opportunity to share with you what has gone on in my life somewhat recently.
I want to speak on the importance of communication. There are many different ways we can communicate and it goes beyond simple words.
Allow me to share a moment of success that I had with a friend. We each deal have triggers in our lives. Some we know, some are hidden to us, and some pop up out of seemingly nowhere and slap us right across our face. Those triggers can be the cause of trauma. Not always, but usually there are triggers in our lives because of some form of past history that "proves" how incomplete and messed up we are. Those instances can be the cause of someone else's actions and had nothing to do with US, but now we carry that weight moving forward in life. As a dominant it becomes our responsibility to hold space for those who choose to let us guide them, who place all of their trust within us to be stable, secure, supportive, and capable of handling that space. Part of that responsibility is to stand steadfast when faced with these triggers especially when they are result of trauma.
The thing is though in these moments when handling a difficult space filled with emotional volatility we can communicate simply by being there. If we are allowed those opportunities. Because as much as a dominant may want to be there to support our s type, we can't do that if they don't allow us into that difficult space. My friend had a troubling situation. In that moment she was attacked in such a way that reminded her of the way she used to be abused by her father and it sent her into a very difficult, trauma induced, emotionally vulnerable space. I was given the chance to sit beside her and when I came into the situation my mind was racing and I was thinking "How do I help, what went wrong, what happened in this situation, what can I do right now to help?" I immediately started to talk about what occurred, but I soon realized that my words were only fueling her emotional vulnerability and I wasn't being understood. I was causing more harm by trying to rush in and talk about the immediate situation. So what did I do? I began to communicate by simply sitting with her. I closed my mouth and began to show her that I simply would exist, and allow her to cry.
After a few minutes, when I began to speak it was in completely unrelated topics. About my day, what food I had eaten, a funny anecdote about an event earlier on, and I allowed her a moments respite from having to deal with all of her emotions. I communicated by pausing, allowing her time to work through her trauma, and then slowly opened dialogue in seemingly unrelated topics. Once I had managed to get a small laugh out of her, I then began to broach the subject of what happened. Why it happened. Where she felt vulnerable. Guess what? She allowed me the opportunity to learn about her past, and we began from a place of stable emotions. A place where speaking about the situation would garner understanding on both sides. Where when I asked her questions about the situation she was able to answer me coherently, with a clear mind. Not from a place of fear, doubt, or terror. We talked, and talked more and came to some ground breaking truths because of the way I communicated with her. It was slow, it was a careful approach. I will admit I tried barging through the door and tried to say "I'm here to rescue you" but when things were so unstable me breaking down the door caused the building to collapse more. So I stepped back. And simply allowed her time to process why, what and how things had occurred in that moment.
It completely changed how receptive she was to my words, and because of the way I communicated we both grew in that space and in that moment and it brought us closer together. We forged more trust, and gained a new level of depth to our interaction because we took our time and moved slowly, methodically towards understanding.
A little patience alongside communication can go a long way. Part of that communication was simply allowing her to see that I was there for her. Holding a safe space for her to exist, and despite being across the world I was just there. It was tremendous and I was so proud of her for giving me the chance to be of use to her during a time where she had lost control and the world was spinning violently into the maelstrom of chaos that trauma can be for many individuals. Im also proud of myself for correcting my own course when handling that situation, because choosing to plow ahead with no regard for her could have caused more harm than good. But I changed tactics and found a way to change her life for the better.
Communication. It really is all about the words we use, the actions we take, the instructions we give.
I struggle with being too complicated with my word choices, and I can get flustered when trying to give instructions. I have encountered this more than a few times where I have been trying to give instructions to my coworker, and I start rambling, bouncing from this piece of information to that one and it gets to be so much that he gets frustrated because I'm overloading him with information. I'm trying to communicate but the understanding gets lost because I am frazzled and not expressing my instructions clearly, concisely and with intention. In those moments simplifying things can go a very long way to helping the other side understand what it is that I am trying say.
I've encountered this issue while trying to instruct during sessions. I'm all over the place, trying to give instructions with such detail so that my friend clearly understands me but in trying to be understood I'm overloading them with information that isn't helpful. It becomes muddled and confusing causing slight mishaps because I'm not being clear or concise. One thing that really helps me in these moments is closing my eyes, doing a slight intentional breathing to slow my mind and think through what I want, and how to get there. Then in fewer words explaining what I see inside my mind. I am working at being clear, concise and simple when instructing through my scenes so that it is easy to follow. Not so convoluted and confusing. There is a massive difference when I think through what I want and how best to choose my words so that it is easily understood. I see the immediate result when there is no miscommunication, and I take the time to understand what I want first. Then seeing the result of my friend understanding and being able to follow along with my instructions so that the end result is what I have formulated inside my head. Whether I spent a week preparing, or it's a more impromptu scene taking the time to think about my instructions helps my friend follow along and create the scene I need and want in that moment. It's also truly spectacular when you can do a debrief at the end of your scene and realize "Today we didn't have any miscommunications or mishaps due to lack of understanding". Being able to communicate effectively makes a massive difference in the experience for both sides, and helps to impart the feeling of being in control, and can help ease your s type into following your will because you confidently express your intent.
There is also another side to communication. What happens when you are misunderstood and that mishap occurs? Make sure that you take responsibility for not being concise. I had a moment where I asked my friend for a "specific" set of instructions. Although while I saw her interpretation of what I had asked of her was a little bit farther off the mark of what I intended. I mentioned in part of my response to her that I would need to enforce some corrections because she didn't perform to my specifications. The issue was though we had recently had a conversation about the situation I had asked her to participate in, and because of that earlier conversation in her performance she did everything to my specification. The problem was that in my head I had set a list of what I had wanted exactly. My problem was that I hadn't expressed to HER that she was not to alter any of my instructions. When I told her that corrections would be necessary I thought through my word choice and realized that she had in fact done everything I had specified. But I hadn't been concise and clear in my communication. I learned in that moment that part of my instruction needed to specify if she would be allowed to create surprises within the performance or if this instance I require her to follow my instructions to a T. I had failed her in my expression, and it was my responsibility to give her all of the information so she could best please me. So when looking at the situation I realized that my failure was not her burden to bear and if I had actually enforced a correction for her actions I would be doing harm to our dynamic and the growth that we had been working towards. It was my failure and she was simply following my will as best she could, as I had previously informed her how she could do better. As a dominant it is our job to look at each situation without ego, with an unbiased view, to look at all perspectives in the situation and then make a decision based on that information. Take your time before rushing into a decision, and part of moving forward means being aware and conscious of all factors that led to the outcome of that situation. To be able to be honest about our role, and accept our own failure without placing blame elsewhere.
All of these instances have helped me become a better dominant. I have learned and grown in a short time because I've been able to honestly see myself, and accepted my failure. I've been objective, and patient. I've learned from my mistakes, and been able to hear my friends words and advice without allowing my ego to step in. I'm on my way to becoming the dominant I desire to be. Each success is a step forward, and each failure an opportunity to learn and grow 2 steps when properly corrected.
I would suggest that as a dominant you take time to work on communicating effectively and efficiently. Simplify the words you use, use your actions to also communicate. Slow down, take a breath and focus your mind on the intent of where you want to go, and do all within your power to help your s type move in that direction.
I thank you for your time in reading my words tonight, and that you have a wonderful evening.
