Hello Cage friends,
Before I really begin I need to make a comment about something that made me chuckle. I took a look at the views that my blogs had garnered and I noticed that my most viewed blog post happened to be the shortest one I've ever written about how my phone was broken and getting repaired. It's slightly comical that I found more success not for my thoughts on d/s but simply for expressing part of what's going on in my life.
I was wondering why it might have been, and I think part of it might have had to do with the fact that it wasn't long winded. I'm not really sure what brings more views or has interest to others on this website, but I do not write for anyone else. Although I do happen to observe to see how popular my words are and whether or not people resonate with what I'm going through and how I express myself.
All of this aside, where I am at right now is a place I've not fully experienced in my life and being in new territory is a little disconcerting.
I have found a place that I am unsure of, and it's trying to find if this is genuine peace in my heart and mind. I've been doing some introspection about where I am and what I have managed to accomplish in my life.
What I am uncertain about is whether or not I am at peace and completely calm, or if this sensation is just apathy. Because there seems to be an almost numbness and throughout my life as from a young boy and through my early adulthood I never had emotional stability. I've always had physical stability in my home, and the things of my life. But I never found what I needed emotionally or spiritually. There was always conflict and I never really practiced self awareness. It's a new concept that I have only been growing in these last few months of my journey onto bdsm, and I am constantly trying to seek out where I stand. I'm trying to answer all these questions about my life, my path, and whether right here and now is where I'm supposed to be.
So constantly evaluating my emotional space puts me into these new places where I look at my emotions and I wonder "What the hell am I feeling right now?"
I think the thing is that I have found peace, and an utter calm that has settled over my entire spirit in a way I've never encountered before and all of that leaves me feeling a little lost. A little uncertain. It's new territory that I haven't experienced and because Ive never truly felt this before it leaves me worrying that where I am is indeed a positive place. When you consider apathy (lack of feeling, emotion, a suppression of passion) and when you can't discern why and what you are feeling it's almost terrifying wondering if you've turned into some heartless, uncaring person. But I care deeply, I love deeply, I feel deeply, and I am emotionally vulnerable. I just have found peace, calm in such a new depth that it comes across as an empty numbness. It's truly bizarre and peculiar. It was exceptionally hard for me to discern where I am, and there is another side to all of this that plagues my mind.
I have recently found some old thoughts that I had recycled back around to in the earlier moments of my journey. I struggle with being codependent in my relationships, and exhibiting unhealthy levels of control and intimacy. I just had a very eye opening conversation with a friend that reminded me that I haven't learned my lesson yet. I have seen the words, lived the experience and know what is true. But I haven't had a moment where I have claimed that lesson and truly benefitted from it. Where I have gained mastery over what I need to understand in order to apply that lesson in a healthy manner.
I want to be so important to my person that they can't live without me.
But that mentality is exceptionally harmful and destructive. It garners a relationship where I can't ever be away from my person because by all nature and rights they "can't" function if I'm not around. That's the exact opposite of what you're trying to do. I mean this all becomes a massive balancing act. I want to be significant. I want to be important. I want to be needed and helpful and guide. I want to support and do so in so many wonderful ways, but I want to be everything for my person. But that's slipping into unhealthy territory that is harmful and isn't universally good for their benefit or my own.
I mean imagine it, not being able to be away from your person for an hour, or a day to take a needed trip somewhere. Or perhaps an even worse fate of losing my life in a freak accident. What does my person do if they are so dependant on me that they can't function without my presence??? That does no one any good. Life happens and sometimes that puts us in places where we can't communicate, like losing your phone or trying to get it fixed and have it take longer than expected. To more permanent issues like getting into a car collision that takes your life. You need to fully consider the random acts that may remove you from your person's life and how will they handle not having you around? What happens if you simply get to a point where you recognize you are fundamentally wrong for each other after establishing a dynamic of absolute need, where the other person can't survive without you? I'm saying we need to create well rounded individuals, by helping them learn to stand on their own two feet when we aren't able to be there for them. Because there will be moments no matter how badly you want to be able to take all of their problems away we won't be capable of solving those issues. There will come a time where we will only be able to exhibit our strength by existing in a small form of emotional support because we can't change the situation. Properly preparing for the good and the bad that life may throw at us.
I recognize that I have some unhealthy mentalities that I need to work at shifting. I need to work at finding productive and helpful ways that I can guide, protect, and create counter measures for the unexpected turmoil life can throw at us. I need to work at cleaning up my thought process so that I don't unintentionally create a dynamic that is harmful and destructive. My purpose is to help improve life, not make it harder. Sometimes we are required to put our foot down and say "No this is not okay" because it will serve our person more to create well defined precautions against uncertainty. I read a blog by a dominant that spoke about putting the dynamic over your girl. He was speaking about this space, of prioritizing what is best for the dynamic instead of being complacent and doing what your submissive wants in that moment. All of this stems from seeing clearly though. Being able to recognize what is necessary, and how best to address that in a positive way that garners growth for both of you, instead of creating codependency and complacency.
I'm working on this concept. I can see it and recognize the value of it. But it's another thing to take this lesson and implement it successfully into the dynamic.
I have much room to grow. Much room for improvement. The fact that I have found myself once again in a place where I can see myself giving in to the wants of the relationship, means I haven't learnt my lesson and that I need to refocus my efforts. The last thing I ever want to do is create a harmful dynamic, that is ultimately destructive. I've already done that and lived that experience. I never want to walk back into that space and it will take changes in my life to make sure I walk forward appropriately.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words today, I hope you have a wonderful evening.
