Hello Cage friends,
Oh boy howdy has life been interesting over the last few days.
So I am attempting to navigate my divorce and things have taken a rapid turn into far left field. The other day I had an interaction with my ex that left me scratching my head. So far in this process we've been quite amicable. But that has recently shifted. I do not know what will come in the future but the thing is I made honest mistakes in that relationship.
I could not be honest. I cheated. I created fights right before birthdays and went past those important dates without acknowledging them. I ignored her when we fought for days afterwards. I was constantly stressed and angry. We lived pay cheque to pay cheque and no matter what I tried we just grew our debt.
I admit I was a poor husband. I was not anywhere near prepared to be who was required of me. Don't get me wrong, I did try my best. But my best was always falling short. Was always making her angry because of a lie, or stupid choice I made. Sure I attempted to help her improve her physical and mental health. I tried supporting her. I tried being everything I thought I should be.
But that was the issue, I was trying to be what I thought she needed and wanted. I tried to say what she wanted to hear.
Thing is, I harmed her. I left deep scars that she feels to this day. She feels damaged and hurt after our interaction. I accept the mistakes of my past. I am diligently working at being a better man. So far I have to say I like me a lot more these days. I'm much happier that I am not living in the past wallowing in my failure.
Regardless of all of how I've improved I also can't go back in time. I can't change the wrongdoings of my past. I still live with those ghosts within me. Now, I am going to have to face them. The Reaper comes, and he is asking his due. He requires payment for my past transgressions and how I choose to walk forward will help determine my future.
There is a chance things could go very poorly. If every action gets called into question, and the worst case scenario is realized it could be disastrous for my future. The Reaper beckons calling my name. How I answer his call with determine my life.
We all make mistakes. Many times, those mistakes don't just go away. They linger, waiting to come back when you least suspect it. Or when everything is going so right. I am at a critical juncture and where I end up could radically shift either massively positive, or massively negative. But really we all have to pay the piper. It's just a matter of what currency is going to be used.
I know I made some very poor choices as a boyfriend, fiance, and husband. Ive walked through my demons emotionally. But that work helped me move forward. None of that work gave solace to my ex. That was for me. I needed it. Now, she needs help to let the past become the past. I'm hopeful I can be useful in helping her overcome our history. It's the least I can do considering my choices added to her baggage. Part of all of this also requires me to defend myself, so that I'm still advocating for my own future and well being. I can't sacrifice everything just to appease her, but there are now so many more complications. Life just got a heck of a lot more stressful.
I will walk forward one small step at a time and see what each moment brings. Thank you for hearing, offering your time, and listening to my words. Have a wonderful evening.
