Hello Cage friends,
I've been existing quietly in my own little world of insanity, stress and struggle. Each day it can be a new challenge, or an old one. I have been finding myself in many different headspaces, I've been motivated and lacking complete motivation. It seems there are moments of absolute desire to accomplish all before me, and moments where I just want to hide under a blanket.
There are times when dealing with overwhelming situations that I simply run and hide. I push thoughts of the situation to the back of my mind and do my absolute best to forget. When I choose this, when I make this decision to ignore the tasks, challenges and difficulties of my life I unknowingly put myself in harms way and those around me.
See I think I'm really good at hiding. I think I'm so clever and that by running away I can't let these things hurt me. That's so very far from the situation. I am always affected. It will play with my emotions, causing reactive responses to other absolutely arbitrary situations. It's laughable how immune I think I am. How indestructible I want to be. I eventually come to the realization that stuffing my troubles into the bowels of my subconscious does little to help me, or those around me.
I see the way I overreact to a different conversation that has nothing to do with my situation, but there is something wrong and I'm not addressing it appropriately. It rears its head in different ways and then I am reminded "Oh yeah", I'm dealing with some turmoil. Ignoring that turmoil does no good to me. It becomes about the choices we make. Because we choose our actions. We choose how we handle stress. We choose how to navigate those areas and either we will be able to walk forward knowing we kept our integrity or we slink away feeling defeated and lost.
In each moment, we have the freedom to choose our actions. I am going to work towards choosing actions I am proud of. I am going to choose to not allow bitterness to overwhelm my heart. I am going to do what I need in order to know I've acted with my values and beliefs. That I will hold to my code of ethics. Not everyone will understand the decisions I make, but no one else walks my path. No one can make my choices for me. I hold that power.
I acknowledge that I hide. I acknowledge that I run from certain problems. I'm tired of running and hiding. I need to take decisive action towards the places I must move in order to get my life sorted. I can't hide any longer. I can't run. I won't.
So deep breath, time to roll up the sleeves and get to work on the important trials I have in front of me. It's simple, just do the work.
Now, onto the real reason I decided to post today.
Those in the lifestyle are searching for their way forward. Each of us has our own views and perceptions about what BDSM means to us. It's all very individual, very unique and we all get the chance to walk where we need.
The most important work we can do in the lifestyle is to know ourselves. To be self aware. To understand our needs. The drive we feel. Where we want to go.
So what happens when as a Dominant you recognize the shifting of your needs?
I liken it to a mirage. You see it on the horizon. You can nearly taste what is in front of you, and yet it's nothing but air. You thought you were heading safely home, yet you got spun around and were simply walking in circles.
When you recognize that your needs are different than they were a month, or two, or six ago what do you do?
It can be terrifying. It can end dynamics. I had a conversation with my girl about this space I was walking. About how the needs that I had felt were shifting. The biggest issue is that I had set some mentalities in place which met my needs, yet with all of the struggles I am working through those needs are much less important in this moment. These mentalities that I imprinted do not just disappear. I crafted them carefully, I worked at instilling them in every moment. They are part of the lifeblood of the dynamic that we share. To have my needs shift away from these mentalities means that in order to move forward I either have to navigate this space differently while remaining in the D/s framework or break those mentalities.
To break those mentalities will destroy what was created, and make it near impossible to ever return to the depths of what we have created in this space. That is not what I wish for. The interesting part of our conversation was when my slave told me that "word for word" this conversation was had with her previous Master and immediately after their dynamic ended. Now there were a lot of factors, but a critical shift that can end any dynamic is the changing of needs in either side of the slash.
It immediately had my mind working, how do we move forward? I mean I had known me. I thought I had done the work to become self aware! But still I needed to delve further.
When you begin building a future based upon the needs you've determined you set a future for those involved in the dynamic. When those needs shift that future becomes a mirage. It no longer really exists and becomes a phantom of where you were heading. As your needs shift, as you become aware of what your current needs are the goalposts move. So what can you possibly do when you've set thought processes based solely around the needs you had expressed? Now with a shift in your needs those thought processes no longer mean what they had. They no longer serve the purpose of meeting your needs.
It can quickly become a quagmire that weighs both sides down and results in the dissolution of the dynamic. A necessary part of the process becomes identifying the shift in your needs. Why did this occur? Is it a permanent shift? Take the time to do the soul searching, take the necessary steps to find what it is you are searching for. Then it becomes about communicating this shift. Why it occurred, and it should come with a gameplan. With an idea of what the future may hold, it should come with some idea of how this affects the present and where the path will follow. I must admit I did a shoddy job of formulating a plan. I understood why my needs were shifting, I could communicate it, but I did not have any answers. Fortunately I do not need to destroy the work I've already done, because there is a solution here that upholds the work I've implemented and meets the requirements of my needs.
The first step is to acknowledge the mentality and mindset created in your submissive. Acknowledge their own need associated with the thought process you've created in them. Then it becomes about communicating that while you see their need that you are not in a place where that specific need is required to be filled today. Then it becomes about redirecting the energy into spaces while utilizing a D/s framework to meet the current needs you require. It's about establishing and maintaining the power exchange that is necessary, it's about maintaining the balance by remaining in the framework of D/s. It's about being able to say "Today, you will serve me not in *this* way but I have need of your service in *this* form." I believe that by shifting the energy you can maintain the health of the dynamic and relationship. It still focuses on the submissives need to serve, to be of service while meeting you where you are at.
It can be difficult, it can end dynamics. The change in need can shift the future into a mirage that no longer exists. By acknowledging the mindset you have created though you protect that future, you create a safe space to let your submissive know that while things may shift, her service to you is not negotiable. That her service is required. That she is important. That she is necessary in your life. It's about finding ways to remind her that no matter what her service may look like, that it is still essential.
I hope you find value in my words today, and I thank you for the time and energy you have spent in reading my blog. To those who see this, have an excellent day.
