Last night was awful. My daughter was in our bed early last night, about 1:30 I felt her little hand my cheek and her sweet voice say "mama." For those of you with toddlers, you know how much the move at night so I'm hoping you can imagine my annoyance and appreciate the nights of littleness at the same time.
I was so glad she came to me though. She has this way about her. Knowing that I need her before I know I need her. Funny how that works.
When I woke up this morning my heart burned and the hole in my sole so bitter cold. I wanted to scream, to cry.
I miss him so much. Why on earth will he not talk to me? I've gone back and forth back and forth between "he didn't deserve you," to "try a little harder. Figure out new ways to show you're sorry for whatever you did."
At this point the bond is broken with no way to repair it. I know it in my head, but my heart so wants to keep trying.
I ask my heart why. Why are you set on someone who is fake? Who lied? Who can't meet your needs? You barely know the guy. I ask why. Over and over again.
And all my heart says is "because."
Well because isn't good enough.
I dig deep and know that its because he doesn't want me that I want him so badly. I just want to change his mind and prove to him that I'm worthy.
But who do I really need to prove it to? Him or me?
I'm flawed. Always have been. I'm not very pretty and I dont have the perfect body. My anxiety and depression are a part of my every day life. I have a child, and I'm in a relationship with her father. Though at this point its nothing but roommates who share a bed. Ill have another post dedicated to just him soon. When I'm able to open up.
I have bratty tendencies and I'm stubborn with a temper.
All things that make for a bad sub.
But I am a good sub. A damn good one.
My heart is constantly racing. Look for my safe place and he is no where to be found.
I feel like a child who lost their parent at the fair.
What do i do though? Clearly he wants nothing to do with me right?
No dom would ever put their sub through this type of training right? No dom would ever make their sub prove their loyalty like this right?
I just wish I felt safe and warm again. I want to feel like I'm home again.
