Rambling thoughts of an unowned sub 04/28

Another thing I was thinking about on the way home this morning (those 9 minutes in the morning save my life most days) was am I into emotional pain? The longing for someone? The missing them? Them ignoring me, but the fantasy of them hurting too just gets me off. 

Am I actually into emotional games? 

But aren't those the most awful games? Where you scream you hate each other but secretly you're dying inside? 

The feeling of rejoining after not being together for so long. Your dream come true. The exploding of all the emotions. 

Is that really my kink? 

Is that why I am so into psychical pain? Is that why I want my ass and body painted black and blue from whips and paddles and restraints? 

Could I be a sadist? Is that what a sadist is? I've looked down that road before. It just never seemed to interest me. 

I mean to have that hot firey passion. One thats burns quick and sometimes doesn't stay for long, but you always know, you always know that they'll come back. 

You always know that he'll come back because you are the only one he can get what he needs from. I am the only one he can get his needs from. 

And he gets what he wants, we have our firey passion weekend, month, night, whatever and not hear from again for months. Knowing that both of you ached for one another. 

You may both be in other relationships but there is just something about this. About the two of you, that can only to satisfied by the other. 

It may go back and forth for months or years between meetings. 

Of begging and crying.

Of creating scens by text message.

Back to begging and crying. 

Then meeting again and having all of the pain all of the hurt be worth it. 

Because he always comes back.

Wouldn't that be the ultimate of ultimate relationships? To trust this other person enough to know they will always be there to come back to. That you provide a need that only you can satisfy. 

You love seeing each other unexpectedly out in public and play games. "Come get me daddy" and we chase each other until you get me on my knees and public. 

How quick can you catch me? 

Will I pissed because you chased too long or not long enough? Or will I be wet and ready for you to throw me up agaist a wall and fuck me? 

As I was driving back home from dropping my daughter off at daycare (I worked from home before it was cool) I start thinking about life. How this community, this "dark" and "scary" corner is full of more light and more happiness and more support than any other corners I have been in. And trust me I've been in a lot. 

I was thinking, how could I be 30 years old, and not know who I am? 

I started thinking of the last decade or so of my life. From being with my first dom and the absolute shit show of my twenties. 

I always thought my 20s were the best years of my life. I was young, wild, free. Untamed and no one could catch me. 

Then I met my ex-husband. Oh he was ugly, but boy did he make me laugh. His personality knew no bounds and oh his confidence. He knew who and what he was and didn't give two shits. Plus he had tattoos, a big truck and loud Harley and who can say no to those things?

I was out of his league but he didn't care. He was an eager cowboy looking to break the wild horse I was. 

I feel head over heels for him. Nobody understood. 

Then he left as quickly as he came and i was left hollow. 

We were in 23 and 24... going out to the bar every weekend. So of course we'd see each other, play this "i don't see you and i don't give shit" game. 

We'd make huge scenes at the bar. Crying, throwing of beer bottles. You name it we did it.

Then one of us would end up in other's bed. Repeat for the next two months..

There were other girls for him, but every time there was a guy that came around he ended up making them go away. In my head it always proved me that he still wanted me, that I was his still.

When in hindsight and tons of therapy, he didn't want me, he just didn't want anyone else having me. 

Then it happened one night, it had been about a month since I had seen or talked to him... we we're out at the bar and I was dancing with a guy, I dont even remember this guy's name anymore, and I felt his eyes on us the whole time. My best friend even pointed it out. That night was the most fun I had had in a long time. 

It was bar close and I went to use the bathroom for the last time and as I walking out of the bathroom, he pulled me into the phone booth right outside the bathroom and kissed me in a way I had never been kissed before. 

Its like I was water and he was lost in the dessert. He looked at me dead in the eyes and apologized. 

Well the rest is history. We got married, bought a house, and got a dog. 

Everything changed though. That constant chase was never there anymore. I kept working 80 hours a week and he would come home play video games or go golfing or drink in the garage. 

We spent almost no time together because I was working and maintaining the house. 

He would complained i worked too much, so I would cut hours and then he would complain that we never had enough money. Mind you, he worked at a job where he made 60k a year and he had no bills except for what we paid together. I bet you can guess what happened. 

Three days after our marriage anniversary, I kicked him out. And from that time on I have felt like I was losing absolute control over every aspect of my life.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and was shamed by my family for needing medication. They got over that real quick. 

Then comes Tex. (That is not his real name, but the dom name he asked for)

Last night was awful. My daughter was in our bed early last night, about 1:30 I felt her little hand my cheek and her sweet voice say "mama." For those of you with toddlers, you know how much the move at night so I'm hoping you can imagine my annoyance and appreciate the nights of littleness at the same time.

I was so glad she came to me though. She has this way about her. Knowing that I need her before I know I need her. Funny how that works.

When I woke up this morning my heart burned and the hole in my sole so bitter cold. I wanted to scream, to cry. 

I miss him so much. Why on earth will he not talk to me? I've gone back and forth back and forth between "he didn't deserve you," to "try a little harder. Figure out new ways to show you're sorry for whatever you did."

At this point the bond is broken with no way to repair it. I know it in my head, but my heart so wants to keep trying. 

I ask my heart why. Why are you set on someone who is fake? Who lied? Who can't meet your needs? You barely know the guy. I ask why. Over and over again. 

And all my heart says is "because." 

Well because isn't good enough. 

I dig deep and know that its because he doesn't want me that I want him so badly. I just want to change his mind and prove to him that I'm worthy. 

But who do I really need to prove it to? Him or me? 

I'm flawed. Always have been. I'm not very pretty and I dont have the perfect body. My anxiety and depression are a part of my every day life. I have a child, and I'm in a relationship with her father. Though at this point its nothing but roommates who share a bed. Ill have another post dedicated to just him soon. When I'm able to open up. 

I have bratty tendencies and I'm stubborn with a temper. 

All things that make for a bad sub. 

But I am a good sub. A damn good one. 

My heart is constantly racing. Look for my safe place and he is no where to be found. 

I feel like a child who lost their parent at the fair. 

What do i do though? Clearly he wants nothing to do with me right?

No dom would ever put their sub through this type of training right? No dom would ever make their sub prove their loyalty like this right? 

I just wish I felt safe and warm again. I want to feel like I'm home again. 

"Summer, what the fuck is going on?!" The Warden yells. 

I gasp and start shaking. "No, no, no, no," I start frantically repeating. 

I'm hyperventilating. My face is hot and ears are ringing. 

I feel Jarrod's hands on the side of my face. I see his face through my tears "look at me, look at me!" I finally hear him. I focus on him and his eyes. 

Those eyes. 

"You are safe little one. You are safe. Do you believe me?"

I nod.

"Hey. Look i can explain everything," jarrod says to The Warden. 

"Who the fuck are you?!" The Warden asks.

"My name is jarrod and if you can just calm down, we'll talk." 

"Summer! Get over here now!" The Warden demands. 

I look at him shake my head no. 

"Did you just tell me no," he asks me in a menacing ton. 

I just look at him. This "man", this "dom" i had spent the last 5 years with. All the bullshit he put me through. The cheating, lying and abuse. He no longer had any power over me.

He takes a step towards me and jarrod gets in his way. "I don't think that's a good idea," Jarrod warns The Warden. 

The Warden let's out so guttural and primal. "I WILL KILL YOU FUCKING DUMB BITCH! I WILL KILL YOU BOTH!" 

The Warden launches himself at me and now him and jarrod are fist fighting. 

Police sirens. Sweet music to my ears. The police break up the fight and come talk to me. I tell them everything. 

After about an hour, The Warden is being escorted away. 

I sit in Jarrod's truck and before I know it I'm asleep. 

I was so happy. 

The restrictions had been lifted and the sun was shining and warm. 

I had just dropped Eloise off at my sister's house where my mom was watching her. 

I felt radiant. I was down 20 lbs, tan, nails done, new hair. The new blue floral dressed and cowboy boots just tiped me over the edge. 

I was high on weed and good fortune. 

The Warden and I walked hand in hand down th street to a perfect little patio table. 

"I'll be right back. I'm going to get us drinks." The warden says kissing my forehead. 

I grabbed my smokes and phone out of my purse. Take the classic "im a mom out on the town getting drunk photo" that has been going around. 

I light up my cigarette and I'm scrolling through my selfies when " text message from Jarrod: Put the cigare....."

I freeze. No. Way. Mmmm. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. 

I lean back and take another drag. There is no way he is here. I think to myself. 

I lean forward to flick my cigarette when his voice is in my ear, "I thought i told you to put this out?"

My heart is in my throat as I look to my left. It's him. It's really him. I soak him in. His scruff. That gap in his front teeth. Those steel colored eyes. 

"Get up," he growls in my ear. My body moving before my mind is comprehending. Just like before. 

Before I know it my hands are in his rough hands again. I'm thrown up against a car. His hands in my hair. His lips on my neck feel like fire against my skin. 

This has to be what it feels like to relapse i think to myself. 

Then I'm over come with anger. I hit him in the chest over and over again. 

"HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME?!" I scream at him. How dare you?! I scream at him over and over again. 

He grabs my wrists and puts them gently to my sides. "Hush, little one. Hush." 

I fall to my knees sobbing. "I'm so sorry." I cry.

"Hush," he soothes.

I crawl into his lap, "please, please don't ever leave me again." I beg and sob.

He rocks me back and forth, hushing me. "I'm never going to leave you again." He finally whispers in my ear. 

After I've calmed down, he pulls back up on my feet. 

"Here," he says handing me some napkins. 

I wipe my face and just stare at him. His big 6' frame. His big shoulders and arms.

I run to him. His arms wrap around me and I finally feel whole and safe again. 

His lips on mine. 

His hand starts going up my dress when it happened....

"Summer, what the fuck is going on?!"

I gasp.

The Warden. 

A dom/sub relationship. Start to finish. This is a fictional story i have made up. These characters are not based off true events or individuals. 

I just left my therapist. The 9th one in the last 5 years. 

I finally confessed? opened up? informed? my therapist about my submissive desires and got the same shit I've gotten with everyone else.

"You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else."

"You should feel empowered to be independent." 

"You shouldn't allow someone to control you no matter which room of the house you are in."

Its frustrating. No one understands.

My "so proper" family would all die if I told them.

My friends, when I have them, are usually feminists. So don't even get me started with how they would react.

My boyfriend, ugh, just no. We'll come back to him in another post. 

I thought I had a pretty good candidate for a Dom. He was everything I wanted, on the outside at least.

Then I slept with him. Oh it felt so good to let go. To not have to think and just listen to the voice in my ear. No questioning, no worrying, just doing. 

The after care was marvelous. 

Then I left and there was nothing.

He acted like I was nothing. Like I didn't just give him the most precious gift a woman can give. He just ignored me. No matter how much I begged. I called, I texted, I snapchated, used Facebook and Instagram and just could not get a response from him except the occasional "kennel up."

But he never told me what "kennel up" meant. No matter how many times I asked. So I just kept pushing.

I felt like I had a boulder on my chest that only he could remove. I cried myself to sleep.

My boyfriend wondering what on earth was going on and my daughter as my only distraction.

Why would he just leave me? Why would he just ghost me? Why won't he explain to me what I did wrong? 

He knew I was like this. We've flirted for years and he had a thing briefly before I got pregnant.

I just dont understand. This not knowing is causing me to go crazy. I cant grip on to anything. If only he would just release me. Or something. I just can't do this anymore. 

Hopefully I can find someone to help me forget about him. I'm just so sad.