As I was driving back home from dropping my daughter off at daycare (I worked from home before it was cool) I start thinking about life. How this community, this "dark" and "scary" corner is full of more light and more happiness and more support than any other corners I have been in. And trust me I've been in a lot.
I was thinking, how could I be 30 years old, and not know who I am?
I started thinking of the last decade or so of my life. From being with my first dom and the absolute shit show of my twenties.
I always thought my 20s were the best years of my life. I was young, wild, free. Untamed and no one could catch me.
Then I met my ex-husband. Oh he was ugly, but boy did he make me laugh. His personality knew no bounds and oh his confidence. He knew who and what he was and didn't give two shits. Plus he had tattoos, a big truck and loud Harley and who can say no to those things?
I was out of his league but he didn't care. He was an eager cowboy looking to break the wild horse I was.
I feel head over heels for him. Nobody understood.
Then he left as quickly as he came and i was left hollow.
We were in 23 and 24... going out to the bar every weekend. So of course we'd see each other, play this "i don't see you and i don't give shit" game.
We'd make huge scenes at the bar. Crying, throwing of beer bottles. You name it we did it.
Then one of us would end up in other's bed. Repeat for the next two months..
There were other girls for him, but every time there was a guy that came around he ended up making them go away. In my head it always proved me that he still wanted me, that I was his still.
When in hindsight and tons of therapy, he didn't want me, he just didn't want anyone else having me.
Then it happened one night, it had been about a month since I had seen or talked to him... we we're out at the bar and I was dancing with a guy, I dont even remember this guy's name anymore, and I felt his eyes on us the whole time. My best friend even pointed it out. That night was the most fun I had had in a long time.
It was bar close and I went to use the bathroom for the last time and as I walking out of the bathroom, he pulled me into the phone booth right outside the bathroom and kissed me in a way I had never been kissed before.
Its like I was water and he was lost in the dessert. He looked at me dead in the eyes and apologized.
Well the rest is history. We got married, bought a house, and got a dog.
Everything changed though. That constant chase was never there anymore. I kept working 80 hours a week and he would come home play video games or go golfing or drink in the garage.
We spent almost no time together because I was working and maintaining the house.
He would complained i worked too much, so I would cut hours and then he would complain that we never had enough money. Mind you, he worked at a job where he made 60k a year and he had no bills except for what we paid together. I bet you can guess what happened.
Three days after our marriage anniversary, I kicked him out. And from that time on I have felt like I was losing absolute control over every aspect of my life.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and was shamed by my family for needing medication. They got over that real quick.
Then comes Tex. (That is not his real name, but the dom name he asked for)
