What's Going On?

It's amazing how many years I have been in a very dark and lonely place without even knowing who I was anymore. My brother died and it was like I died with him. I didn't know how to cope with it, so I didn't cope with anything properly. My life headed into this unfamiliar territory where tragedy had become a normal existence to me. I went from being an independent, single mother of two boys (then 17&2), having a career as an Occupational Therapy Assistant which I absolutely adored, and was academically working towards my Bachelor's degree. All of a sudden, I found myself afraid to leave my home, extremely mentally unstable, and continuously sick with Shingles, MRSA, I was bitten on my lip by a spider in my sleep which almost killed me, immunodeficiency disorder, then finally cancer. I was unable to work and many days I never left my bedroom for fear of getting my boys sick just the same. My lack of an immune system prevented me from doing chemo, but it was my choice not to do it. My oldest son started using meth and my home was raided. He is now a felon and currently in jail. I blamed myself for so long because I basically just quit being a mom and let him do whatever he wanted hoping that he would make better choices. Then, it's almost as if all of the dark clouds sent hail the size of basketballs on top of my life when I discovered how horrible my father was to me. I will admit, I thought I was weak to the point where I didn't know how to get past that. Of course I know that I have plenty of bad days ahead, but it's like the missing pieces to my puzzle were found. My suppressed memories can be in the past now instead of waiting in the background. He is gone, and I am at peace. Sexually, I'm not sure if I can be able to trust a man enough to be the submissive I once thought I was. But my therapist said that as long as I am honest and open with people who I choose to have in my life about what happened, then I will never have to worry about being rejected later on. For the first time in a long time, I can feel Sarah waking up and smiling from ear to ear (I've always been known for my smile). Thank you so very much all of you whom have offered friendship and love to me. Thank you