Thoughts of a submissive/sensualist

I am open to new experiences and finding what has been missing in my life. I'm not sure what that may be, but I'm sure I will know when I find it. I am a very sensual submissive by nature, yet I crave the bond of a Dom/sub relationship.
6 days ago. Mon 12 Mar 2018 11:17:37 PM IST

I'm struggling with my entire sense of self since I had suppressed memories of being molested by my dad's friends and recorded for my dad. I thought I was meant to be a sub. But how is that possible when I can't even trust anybody anymore. I thought my mom didn't know but my dad told her repeatedly she just thought he was lying to her. I feel broken, dirty, shameful, and unlovable. I feel like no man could ever love me unconditionally and I don't think I could ever trust a man to do anything but hurt me and hate me. Is this feeling ever going to go away? I know people say that the right Dom will come along, but I don't even know if I should be a sub anymore. I feel like I just was meant to be alone for the rest of my life and that is so depressing I can't hardly stand it. If anybody has any advice for me, please tell me something that will help me get over this. And if there is a Dom out there somewhere in Kansas that is willing to help heal my broken soul please help me.

1 month ago. Mon 12 Feb 2018 11:25:03 AM IST

First of all, my outfit describes me exactly at the moment. Knee high neon green socks with blue toes, yoga pants, a blue T-shirt, a pink robe, and a blue with neon green dotted bandana. A humorously put together mess,  lol. 

My life is what I choose it to be.  If I want to be happy, I need to do what I need to do to get happy. Otherwise,  I will stay a victim. I'm too proud to be a victim of circumstance. I'm never going to let him control me ever again.  He is dead now. I win his sick, twisted game. I win,  not him. 

I have been questioning my place in the BDSM lifestyle.  I have never been lucky enough to formally be a sub, but I am curious about what it would be like to be a Mistress. The possibility of having the trust of a man to be the one who they listen to and want to please turns me on.  I wish I had others to mentor me. Help!!! 

1 month ago. Sat 03 Feb 2018 08:40:36 PM IST

I am really struggling with being able to trust anyone with letting skeletons out of my heart and it's affecting my life negatively.

I hadn't talked to my dad in 18 years (I will tell you why in a few). I had one brother but he died 3years ago. So when I was told that my dad was found dead in his duplex,  I was not prepared for what I was going to see.  He was killed, but he died 18 years ago to me. And yet,  I have tried to make peace with it by letting him rest. I took care of his cremation, kept my mouth shut, and kept uncovering the truth about the man who is half of my DNA. 

He lived a life that I felt responsible for.  It is indescribable how very sad this man had to be.  I was thankful he didn't have to live like that anymore. Until the day my childhood neighbor friend (only one who has been there for me) made me leave in a rush.  He told me that he found something and that I didn't need to be there at all. When we were leaving,  I grabbed a notebook he'd written in. Why'd I have to dig,  just keep digging? When I was washing the cockroach filth off of it,  I found letters to me and my mom. They were all so mean and hateful. Full of hatred. 

Memories of what made me eliminate him 18 years ago. My dad was a creepy biker with creepy biker friends.  When I turned into a young lady, my dad would ask me to go for rides with his friends. Scared to tell him no I went. Taken to a house where things were done to me and videotaped.  That's what my friend found.  Over a hundred vhs tapes labeled with blackmail evidence using me. Who does that and keeps the evidence of his daughter getting raped??  I adored my dad,  and he was pimping me out for his advantage. I wish I could hate him more,  but I can't. 


3 months ago. Thu 14 Dec 2017 11:24:16 AM IST

I often claim that I am just a simple girl from the middle of the middle...Kansas. The truth about me is that simple is a matter of perception. Of course, based on BDSM lifestyle experience, I am a wide eyed, curious, eager to learn, newbie with enough knowledge to know that experience is the only way I will ever truly learn what I want and what I don't want. It amazes me how much I learn about this lifestyle and how much I have yet to learn. I'm a researcher and learning is a gift to me. It is very unfortunate that I do live in an area where events and non-judgemental people are scarce. I'm also shy (or scared) to escape from here alone. I would love to find someone who will be a mentor to me and become a friend that would help me explore and attend events.

3 months ago. Sun 03 Dec 2017 06:33:34 AM IST

Being new to this lifestyle is exciting, yet scares the crap out me just the same.  I absolutely love reading blogs, but I have an appreciation that runs deep for those real Dom's who offer not only advice, pointers, red flags, and guidance. If it weren't for you, I am positive that I would be well on my way towards disaster because I am so eager to have the D/s relationship I have dreamed of for so long. Last week I almost got myself into a mess. It started out perfect. Then as red flag after red flags kept popping up, I would refer back to my past conversations for reassurance until I finally chose to end things with this fake Dom before it even began. So keep your blogs of advice to subs and words of wisdom coming, please. They saved me and many others from harm. How can I ever thank you for your time? Mwah

3 months ago. Wed 22 Nov 2017 10:15:03 PM IST

I'm learning more and more every day about this lifestyle. I have learned that there are just as many uneducated assholes on Fet as there are in every day Life. But iur community here is my favorite. Maybe it's the distance between all of us that keep us real and honest, I don't know. The struggle to find a Dom that I can trust completely on the internet is REAL. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get advice from real Dom's of what to watch out for. I have weeded out many using guidelines they have set. I find it sexy when a man whom I have never even met offers himself and his wisdom not to mention the fact that they are protecting me. Thank you fellow Cagers!!!

4 months ago. Thu 16 Nov 2017 01:37:03 PM IST

I would love the input from any of the vets out there, please. This lifestyle is the most amazingly beautiful fantasy for me, I ache tremendously to live it. The more I discover, the wetter my panties get.

It all started by reading erotica books/novels/series. Then last summer, I was blessed with the good fortune of  chatting with a man who opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. From the first chat with this man, I wanted only him and I wanted him to be who would transform me into this perfect sub made for only him. He lives in California, I live in Kansas. Both of us are not financially able to travel to meet and carry out my training. I have considered the option of being trained by a different Dom, but I only crave the man whom I have learned so much from already. 

I recently started reading an erotica novel that is about a sub training camp where the new subs have to perform scenes with a Dom selected by the trainers. They are taught the proper body language and the ways to answer a Dom, etc. Anyway, the main character and one if the trainers have a secret unsaid yearning for each other (which is forbidden). He gives her a protection collar to keep the other Dom's at Bay until training is over. 

My question is....Is it better to be properly trained by a man whom the sub has chosen to be her permanent Dom? Or is it better to be trained by more of a that will turn you into a sub that only the luckiest Dom will have her.

4 months ago. Mon 06 Nov 2017 09:29:27 AM IST

Have you ever had a vision of what the hottest character in an erotica story looks like? And then one day out of the blue, an old aquaintance pops into your life. It's then that you have flashbacks of those stories and realize it is him! My dream Dom stood in front of me and he hadn't the slightest inclination of the exciting thoughts that raced through my mind. I believe that I can train him to train me as his sub. I can teach him how to be who he really is with me. He will trust me, as I will trust him...

4 months ago. Fri 20 Oct 2017 07:11:44 AM IDT

Being alone can be one of those things that are needed and enjoyed, but being alone when you are in a room full of people is a feeling that I hate. I need to feel as if I belong to somebody. To be loved and appreciated. Yet, time and time again I have been mistreated and abused. Or most importantly, misunderstood. How long must I wait for someone to accept me for who I am? Possibly forever and that breaks my heart. I would like to blame Kansas, but it must be me.

5 months ago. Sun 01 Oct 2017 02:18:15 AM IDT

I have been blessed to have found a Dom that has offered to be my protective big brotherly Dom. This man has absolutely nothing to gain by playing with my emotions, telling me false information, or doing me any harm at all. He has offered nothing but help and advice and help for not only me, but my potential prospects for my Dom. Even if he is in a different country, he has promised me that he will be able to protect me and I trust that he will without hesitation. My potential choice for my first Dom has never trained a sub before and this generous man has offered his help. Thank you J