What's Going On?

^{when I found this site I was searching for one particular man. I didn't find him in the cage, but I did find so much knowledge which has helped me tremendously over the past couple years. About two and a half years ago I'm at this man who opened my eyes to the BDSM lifestyle in ways I never could have imagined. He told me everything I wanted to hear, his profile picture was so sexy it almost couldn't have been him, he was going to come see me... And poof he was gone. So of course I went crazy stalker psycho mode and paid for software to locate this mystery man. What I found was that this guy was an actor, and he never mentioned that to me so for sure I thought he was a catfish. But by that time I didn't give a fuck what he looked like. I had fallen in love with the man behind the words for real. After several months oh, I found him on another website and that's when I knew he wanted me to find him. That was over two years ago, and now we are so in love. I chuckle as I remember telling my mom about this super hot actor guy he says that he was starting to fall for me. My mom looked at me and said what would a guy from San Diego California, an actor, want a plain girl from Kansas 4? And I told her I had no idea why but I believe him and you know what every single thing that man has told me has been the truth from the get-go. And everything I've told him has also been the truth. The one thing he didn't tell me about was that he was an actor and that was because he says he's just a normal guy. Both of us have been through a lot of bullshit over the last 2 years in our separate lives, and we have decided 2 get a fresh start at life clear across the country in either Florida or Connecticut we haven't decided yet. The only thing is I have a 7 year old son who I will not take away from his father and I will not go without him. Right now he will not understand that if he and I move that far away, it won't take anything to get him a plane ticket back to Kansas to visit his dad whenever he is on vacation from school. But my son needs to know there is more out in the world other than Kansas and agriculture and little income for hard work. I wish I knew what to do although I still have at least till the end of the school year to figure it out because I'm not going to flip his world upside down in the middle of a school year.}

Well, I think that I am just going to have to settle with living in my erotica imagination full of fantasies I will be so lucky to experience someday. 

My favorite one of them all is to be swept off my feet by a handsome, clean cut, sexy man. I'm talking about shopping for a dress and taken somewhere special. When I get to the part of the night that I am assuming he will be taking me home, he blindfolds me, puts headphones playing my favorite songs on my ears, and ties my hands above my head. He is kissing me so passionately my pussy gets soaked immediately. It aches for his touch. Then we stop. He helps me out of the vehicle and I can't tell if we are outside in public, or in private. But yes, definitely outside. I can feel the breeze on my wet legs. I feel to hands of more than one man on me. Maybe three men touching me. Feeling me inside and one stretching my ass. I'm gently placed on my stomach bent over something. Holy shit, I feel a viberator slip in my pussy, then one in my ass. I beg for their cocks. All of them. I need to have one in my mouth right now. Shoved down my throat preventing me from breathing. I love to feel it go down my throat!!! The vibe that was in my pussy is replaced with a cock much bigger in girth and length than I have ever had. It must be like a pop can and over 11" long. He goes slow enough to get the head of it in my cervix causing me to feel out of control which is what they want. My hands are held down as the butt plug goes deeper. Then it all exits my holes at once and I have a panic. I'm slowly sat upon the huge cock in my pussy. After a few thrusts, I my ass it slowly disappeared. Wait, what's this? Another record cock enters my pussy but it's a really tight squeeze. Warm oil is rubbed all over me and my holes making it so enjoyable!! My nipples are clamped and it sends me over the top. I start convulsing. Bit they don't stop. They switch and are holding me up between them as they stand thrusting in my holes. One in and one out. I'm completely helpless. Then feel more hands on me and more cocks. I take all of them by the end of the night. Come to find out, we were just in the lobby of the most expensive hotel in miles. 

so today I finally met the guy in person that wants to be a daddy Dom for a baby girl. And once again, I have no idea if he and I want the same thing. I'm admit right now, I am very much in need of a caring, nurturing, and understanding man in my life that I can trust without fear. But I need him to help bring me back up to the place I was before not keep me needy and I think that's what he wants, is someone who will be needy for the rest of their life. I've always been very independent but I've always felt like I wouldn't be whole unless I had a man, a real man to share my life with. One that pleases me as much as I please him. Recently, I had the experience of taking a more non submissive role and I really liked it. I liked the fact that somebody would do what I said to please me. I'm not thinking I could be a Dom, but that's where I need help. I'm having trouble finding a place to get in where I fit in

I am recently going through a transformation in my life. I used to think that what I was meant to be was a sub, but that has all changed due to circumstances in the past few months. I recently started talking to this guy who seems genuine, kind, and actually wants to be needed as much as I need somebody that will make me feel loved. My worst fear is to put trust in a man and then have him use my bad qualities against me and make me feel useless and worthless just like my father did. But this man seems to the most non judgemental person I've ever met. I've always made it a rule to divulge my poor decisions in my past that way if they decide I'm not good enough it saves us both a lot of time. But this guy acts like it's absolutely no big deal. Then I found them on FetLife. And his profile it said he was a daddy Dom without a baby girl. I'm curious to know what everyone has to say about the rules each one of them play in that relationship because it might be what I need right now in this time of my life. He needs to feel needed and I need somebody to help me get back to the person I was because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you in advance for your advice and help

It's amazing how many years I have been in a very dark and lonely place without even knowing who I was anymore. My brother died and it was like I died with him. I didn't know how to cope with it, so I didn't cope with anything properly. My life headed into this unfamiliar territory where tragedy had become a normal existence to me. I went from being an independent, single mother of two boys (then 17&2), having a career as an Occupational Therapy Assistant which I absolutely adored, and was academically working towards my Bachelor's degree. All of a sudden, I found myself afraid to leave my home, extremely mentally unstable, and continuously sick with Shingles, MRSA, I was bitten on my lip by a spider in my sleep which almost killed me, immunodeficiency disorder, then finally cancer. I was unable to work and many days I never left my bedroom for fear of getting my boys sick just the same. My lack of an immune system prevented me from doing chemo, but it was my choice not to do it. My oldest son started using meth and my home was raided. He is now a felon and currently in jail. I blamed myself for so long because I basically just quit being a mom and let him do whatever he wanted hoping that he would make better choices. Then, it's almost as if all of the dark clouds sent hail the size of basketballs on top of my life when I discovered how horrible my father was to me. I will admit, I thought I was weak to the point where I didn't know how to get past that. Of course I know that I have plenty of bad days ahead, but it's like the missing pieces to my puzzle were found. My suppressed memories can be in the past now instead of waiting in the background. He is gone, and I am at peace. Sexually, I'm not sure if I can be able to trust a man enough to be the submissive I once thought I was. But my therapist said that as long as I am honest and open with people who I choose to have in my life about what happened, then I will never have to worry about being rejected later on. For the first time in a long time, I can feel Sarah waking up and smiling from ear to ear (I've always been known for my smile). Thank you so very much all of you whom have offered friendship and love to me. Thank you

I'm struggling with my entire sense of self since I had suppressed memories of being molested by my dad's friends and recorded for my dad. I thought I was meant to be a sub. But how is that possible when I can't even trust anybody anymore. I thought my mom didn't know but my dad told her repeatedly she just thought he was lying to her. I feel broken, dirty, shameful, and unlovable. I feel like no man could ever love me unconditionally and I don't think I could ever trust a man to do anything but hurt me and hate me. Is this feeling ever going to go away? I know people say that the right Dom will come along, but I don't even know if I should be a sub anymore. I feel like I just was meant to be alone for the rest of my life and that is so depressing I can't hardly stand it. If anybody has any advice for me, please tell me something that will help me get over this. And if there is a Dom out there somewhere in Kansas that is willing to help heal my broken soul please help me.

First of all, my outfit describes me exactly at the moment. Knee high neon green socks with blue toes, yoga pants, a blue T-shirt, a pink robe, and a blue with neon green dotted bandana. A humorously put together mess,  lol. 

My life is what I choose it to be.  If I want to be happy, I need to do what I need to do to get happy. Otherwise,  I will stay a victim. I'm too proud to be a victim of circumstance. I'm never going to let him control me ever again.  He is dead now. I win his sick, twisted game. I win,  not him. 

I have been questioning my place in the BDSM lifestyle.  I have never been lucky enough to formally be a sub, but I am curious about what it would be like to be a Mistress. The possibility of having the trust of a man to be the one who they listen to and want to please turns me on.  I wish I had others to mentor me. Help!!! 

I am really struggling with being able to trust anyone with letting skeletons out of my heart and it's affecting my life negatively.

I hadn't talked to my dad in 18 years (I will tell you why in a few). I had one brother but he died 3years ago. So when I was told that my dad was found dead in his duplex,  I was not prepared for what I was going to see.  He was killed, but he died 18 years ago to me. And yet,  I have tried to make peace with it by letting him rest. I took care of his cremation, kept my mouth shut, and kept uncovering the truth about the man who is half of my DNA. 

He lived a life that I felt responsible for.  It is indescribable how very sad this man had to be.  I was thankful he didn't have to live like that anymore. Until the day my childhood neighbor friend (only one who has been there for me) made me leave in a rush.  He told me that he found something and that I didn't need to be there at all. When we were leaving,  I grabbed a notebook he'd written in. Why'd I have to dig,  just keep digging? When I was washing the cockroach filth off of it,  I found letters to me and my mom. They were all so mean and hateful. Full of hatred. 

Memories of what made me eliminate him 18 years ago. My dad was a creepy biker with creepy biker friends.  When I turned into a young lady, my dad would ask me to go for rides with his friends. Scared to tell him no I went. Taken to a house where things were done to me and videotaped.  That's what my friend found.  Over a hundred vhs tapes labeled with blackmail evidence using me. Who does that and keeps the evidence of his daughter getting raped??  I adored my dad,  and he was pimping me out for his advantage. I wish I could hate him more,  but I can't. 

I often claim that I am just a simple girl from the middle of the middle...Kansas. The truth about me is that simple is a matter of perception. Of course, based on BDSM lifestyle experience, I am a wide eyed, curious, eager to learn, newbie with enough knowledge to know that experience is the only way I will ever truly learn what I want and what I don't want. It amazes me how much I learn about this lifestyle and how much I have yet to learn. I'm a researcher and learning is a gift to me. It is very unfortunate that I do live in an area where events and non-judgemental people are scarce. I'm also shy (or scared) to escape from here alone. I would love to find someone who will be a mentor to me and become a friend that would help me explore and attend events.

Being new to this lifestyle is exciting, yet scares the crap out me just the same.  I absolutely love reading blogs, but I have an appreciation that runs deep for those real Dom's who offer not only advice, pointers, red flags, and guidance. If it weren't for you, I am positive that I would be well on my way towards disaster because I am so eager to have the D/s relationship I have dreamed of for so long. Last week I almost got myself into a mess. It started out perfect. Then as red flag after red flags kept popping up, I would refer back to my past conversations for reassurance until I finally chose to end things with this fake Dom before it even began. So keep your blogs of advice to subs and words of wisdom coming, please. They saved me and many others from harm. How can I ever thank you for your time? Mwah