Liberated

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? "

I'm a self reflector, an observer. I take note of my actions and rectify if need be. I am definitely not an attention seeker. I stay in the background as much as I can. But I am excellent, I know that. Take that as cocky or just self-assured, but I am excellent. I work hard; I excel at what I do, and I have struggled with being comfortable with that. 

A very self-centered problem to have, right? But who am I not to be excellent. 

I have that question on my wall in bold letters, it opened my eyes.

"Who am I not to be?"

Who am I not to be (fill it in)?

Bold, daring, excellent, smart, crazy, etc...

Who are you not to be?

When is it the right time to tell the person you are talking to that you're fucked up?

I would argue that we're all fucked up, if not from the shit that happens to us but from the simple trauma of being born and choosing to stay alive in this world.

And then there comes the question, am I really that more fucked up than others?

Is there ever a right time? Or do they just find out on their own and choose whether or not to stay?

"Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun, you are."

I've struggled with this for a long time. Is there a line between thinking you're superior and knowing what you deserve?

"He is not the sun, you are."

This is especially hard in the lifestyle. As a submissive, I'm a natural giver. A lot of the dominants I've come across are only interested in taking. They're the sun right? I don't necessarily think so.

I don't have much to say about this, I'm still finding my way. 

"Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun, you are."

Just food for thought.

Expectations, so many expectations from my friends, advisors, mentors, family, and even people on here. My family expects me to be studious and poised. To blindly accept and obey, that is not me. They love to brag about the whiz kid who skipped the tenth grade and made it to a prestigious university free of charge. To keep up that appearance is exhausting. My friends expect me to be cool and level headed. To fix the problems, give advice, and put them in their place when things go out of control. Being everything for everyone is draining. 

Sexy, alluring, wise, witty, etc... honestly I can't keep up. What if I told you I was clumsy, a little bit crazy, and most definitely bold. About my dance parties at 3 am even though I'm a horrible dancer. I am almost always sleep-deprived, a tad messy, and I fear not of being alone but of being surrounded by people for the rest of my life. Would I still fit into your mold? 

That is why I am a sub. I want a safe place, a place that allows me to be me or whoever I feel like being in the moment. A place where my mind rests, and I sink into the feeling of acceptance. The freedom that overtakes me when I give up my control, that is why.

I had been talking to this dom. Let's call him Isaiah. In the beginning, as all new relationships go, he was actively interested, a fast replier. It became a regular thing, we would talk almost every day and if we didn't he would text me saying he was busy and would contact me later. And I'm not gonna lie, I became used to the attention. Then after a while, he became super distant with no explanation. Me, being very expressive and straight forward, texted him explaining my feelings and asking what's up? He lashed out at me.

Long story short, Isaiah was going through some personal shit and took it out on me. He ended up apologizing; I ended up forgiving him, but I knew in my mind that I would never express how I felt about him pulling away again until I could trust him again with his reactions. We don't speak much anymore and I don't know why, but I definitely went through attention withdrawal.

You ever been with someone and got used to their presence in your life and that attention, and then all of a sudden they yank that away, no notice or maybe very little notice, but you didn't know it was gonna be this bad. 

I think people at the end of the day just wanna be seen and viewed as important to someone.

Attention withdrawal is a painful thing to go through, but after the emotional storm has passed, the level of self-assurance and confidence you gain is otherworldly.

I don't chase people anymore. I'm here, and I'm important. I'm not gonna chase after them to prove I matter.

Don't chase people anymore. You're here, and you're important. You don't have to prove to them you matter.

So this morning, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this TikTok from Lizzo about body positivity. (if you don't know who I'm talking about, please look up a picture)

Below, a quote from the video...

"Hey I've been working out consistently for the last five years and it may come as a surprise to some of ya'll that I'm not working out to have your ideal body type, I'm working out to have my ideal body type. And you wanna know what type that is? NONE OF YOUR F***ING BUSINESS..." 

This is everything. While I can be attracted to all body types, most people have a preference and that's great. But it's when you try to project your preference on your significant other or potential significant other, I personally have a problem. 

And frankly, the beauty standards of this world are significantly warped anyways. So my message is to all genders of all shapes and sizes. Do your f***ing thing! Be happy with yourself! If your goal is to work out and be "skinny", great! But that's not everyone's goal. So the next time someone judges your diet, or makes a comment about how your workouts aren't getting you anywhere, strangers, friends, partner or family alike, tell them to mind their own f***ing business!