Bacon, Idolatry and other such Sacrilege.

Sharpen a knife using a wet-stone from the northern-most point on the island of Fendiroo on planet Gorlax. Then, take the knife to the 3rd highest ranking Dralaxian Monk on Juri Prime in the Octabulous Nebula near the center of the galaxy. After he polishes the blade bring it to Yorn Krux of the Balastasian Royal Guard on Marexx 2 (never, EVER Marexx 3) There he will take the knife and cut open the ancient scroll of Acriba. Read the second paragraph aloud (skip the first, it’s boring af) and try to make your voice sound like a Fendarin Skunk Rat. Then, go back to Earth, find Janet’s Liquor store in the South Bronx next to Fred’s Bowling Alley and ask Mickey for some really good weed. He doesn’t have any and he will probably get mad but if you start laughing hysterically he’ll join in and forget why he was upset. If that doesn’t work try cake.