I’ve been filled with so many emotions I only get to see him once in a while because although we are only 2 hours away from each other give or take he works a LOT especially with quarantine kinda lifting. So we text, talk and FaceTime and agree to meet at least twice a month we try to shoot for three if possible. We are just getting to know each other so it’s fine.
Last time we met he talked about how he partook in the polyamorous lifestyle and I’ll admit I was thrown off because I didn’t see it coming. Should I have seen it coming? Anyways I just kinda of left that there and didn’t ask any more about it my mom always said “don’t ask questions if you don’t really want the answer” and I knew I didn’t want the answer.
So we met up ( he always insist on coming to me) at one of my favorite restaurants and began to talk. He asked me about work, how’s my summer etc etc.. and the whole time he was talking I only had one question racing through my mind. “Do you still want to live a polyamorous life?” Nothing in me wanted the answer to that question I was perfectly fine not knowing. However something in me asked anyway.
Getting to know him speaking to him just being around him was amazing I for ONCE in my 23 years of living wasn’t a giggling anxiety ridden mess around him and I liked that no I loved that I could actual have a conversation like an adult.
Once I asked the question it really felt like years pasted and time crawled all at the same time. He told me he did still live the polyamorous lifestyle and after trying to give it up once. ( he was married for 15 years if memory serves me correct) he wouldn’t do it again everyone was miserable. In more or less words that’s what he said. There’s a significant age gap between us so he’s for sure seen more done more and lived more life. He knows living that way is when he’s his best self.
He asked me how I felt about that and truly I was crushed I don’t like the idea of sharing or being shared but I also don’t like the idea of letting him go. So I simply told him I didn’t know and if I could think about it. Because maybe I’ll be that person for him and only him maybe it’ll be worth it?
We finished eating and he walked me to my car like usual, what was unusual is when he pulled me into a hug and once the hug was over he kissed me on my forehead and made me promise I wouldn’t disappear on him and that I would get back to him about how I felt about our conversation.
I have no experience in the realm of sexual or even intimate things but when he did that I felt as if my entire body was on fire. I was convinced that if he said he lived the polyamorous lifestyle I would walk away.
Ha I’ve never been more unsure of anything in my life.
Confused...
