Highway to hell

I always try to convince myself to write a blog at least once a day but honestly I fail each time so now I’m just writing when I feel like it. Today I feel like talking a bit about my past and what shaped me into who I am today. 
I’m an only child so I was always extremely spoiled by my parents. Which they didn’t need to do much of since I’m not extremely picky with my hobbies. As an introvert I love being home reading, watching tv, playing video games. So at times my parents almost forgot I existed. I taught myself a lot of the strong beliefs I have and to control myself better specially with emotions as I seemingly inherited my dad’s anger issues. But anyways that’s not the story I want to tell. My story starts at a young age. I can never quite recall the age. Why do I start here? Because that is when I feel my life started going to hell. This is when I started playing video games. One in specific which name’s I refuse to tell. I was quite young and naive and knew nothing of the world which made me easy prey for all the perverted people in the online world. It didn’t help that at that time I looked the way I look now. My looks haven’t changed throughout the years by much. As soon as puberty came around I developed an hourglass figure that I found through those younger years, men love a lot. Anyways I was young and stupid and got myself into things I shouldn’t. My only saving grace was that it was just online but mental and emotional scars leave a Mark that more often than not is deeper than anything physical. The physical heals and you will forget it. But the emotion and mental scars remain. At that young age I found I loved roleplaying, the sexual type and became quite addicted to it. My looks helped me get men that were far too older for me to even contemplate. They were adults while I was a child. I did many things during those years that damaged my young mind and developed split and multiple personalities to cope with those things. At that time I didn’t know how to say no. “No I don’t want to send nudes” “ no I don’t want to be naked in webcam” “no I don’t want you”. So I always said yes to everything. But little by little I got tired. I got tired of only being seen for my looks. I was just a pretty face and hot body. I wasn’t a person. In fact, those men hated my personality. My extremely vain and shallow personality. What can anyone expect though? I was always complimented on my looks and that is pretty nice for such a young and stupid mind. Then things started changing. As more men knew how I looked like and wanted me the women started attacking me. You would think they’d have some sympathy for me based on my young age but they didn’t. They were merciless. So I learned to fight and I was so much nastier. “It’s not my fault your boyfriend left you cuz he finds me so much more attractive than your whale ass will ever be”. I used my looks against them. After all, it truly wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know how to say no. And the more I grew the more one emotion grew inside my heart, hatred. How I hated myself for being this way and the men that were relentless in their pursuit of me. So I changed the game. I stopped dating and started using those men to feed my addiction to sex role playing. I’d show my body like I didn’t care and I didn’t. I was like a druggie. I only cared about being horny and happy because the alternative was feeling emptiness. I became addicted to know how men expressed themselves in a sexual way. To the way they sounded when they came. To the compliments they’d feed me. To the sweet and empty promises they’d give me. You see, I had finally learned that all those sweet promises and words of love were bs. It was a way for them to get more from me. I slowly became the arrogant and shallow person they always called me. What got to me during this time was how nasty people can be and how no one ever asked me if I was truly ok. And I wasn’t. As the years of doing this kept going I noticed patterns. When other young people came into the game world they were attacked by the predators that had come for me so I shielded as many as I could. I would target that man and pull them from that young child and I’d tell the child to not do those things. To not walk down the same path as me. And I succeeded in saving some of them while screwing myself up. I did this most of my teenage life. I was this person for quite a while. Slowly I changed. It’s been a gradual process. I stopped caring about my addiction as it didn’t give me the pleasure I felt before. All that was left was emptiness and my desire to experience my first love again. Yes, my first love saved me as I realized then that what truly filled me up was love. So I stopped concentrating on just the sexual part and more the emotional and little by little I pulled myself from the dark hole I was in. 
For years I blamed myself for all that happened but I realized some years back that it wasn’t my fault. I was a victim. I was too young to make the decisions I made. I still work on bettering myself as a person but some things stay. One thing that has stayed is my arrogance in my looks. It gets very much on my nerves when I find out I got ghosted over someone I consider uglier than me as for so many years my knowledge over my looks kept me going. I must say I’m getting better. It doesn’t drive me into a mindless rage anymore to be left for someone physically uglier than me as I know the physical isn’t everything and people also like the internal side too. So I keep working at who I am as a person and not so much on my looks. While I appreciate them I don’t place the same emphasis as I did in the past. I’m not just a pretty face. I’m a person too and I want to be seen for what’s inside and damn whoever doesn’t. 
Anyways yeah, that’s the brief story of my life and the part I will concentrate on. Maybe in the future I’ll divulge a bit more but who knows. I never divulge everything about myself except maybe my psychologist so I can work through my issues. 
Some upbeat music after this post cuz the past is in the past and nothing can change it. The only thing you can do is learn from it and become a better person. 

There just some songs that get to your soul. You find yourself singing or humming them and smiling. Either a happy smile or a bittersweet one, sometimes even a sad smile. 
I personally find music boxes hauntingly beautiful, some more than others. I like to close my eyes and listen to the song play. I will often hum along to the music and if I know the lyrics to the song I’ll sing it. I’ve been considering making a music box collection since I love them so much and Amazon is an amazing place to find some really nice and cheap ones. I could of course not buy them and just download a music box playlist on my phone and do with that but... I’m getting the damn music box because they are pretty. 
Anyways this is that one song I find very hauntingly beautiful and find myself singing or humming constantly. 

I’ve been in a bit of a weird mood lately. Which isn’t very odd as I go through those stages. But today I realized I’m going through the really annoying stage. Some might wonder “what stages?!”  I like to call some signs of depression and antisocial behavior I exhibit as stages. I go through times where I won’t talk to anyone unless I have to. There’s times I sleep a lot and refuse to wake up at times. My recent behavior I would term as...boredom. What does this stage entail? That I find the hunt for new subs boring. I was going through ads from male subs looking for dommes and although I found a few cute promising ones and thought of messaging I found myself tired and bored of going through the motions of getting to know them as people for a while and then as a sub and decide if I’d like them or not. And even if I like them they might not always end up liking them at the end. For instance, I’ve been talking to a sub local to me and at first he expressed a lot of interest in me and now he barely ever even talks to me and even when I message him he sometimes won’t even reply so I’ve given up. I could call him out on that behavior and point blank as him what the hell is going on but based on previous experiences that doesn’t work out too often. And while there’s some subs I’m talking to they don’t stimulate my mind, they don’t make me think hard. They aren’t a challenge for me. I need a challenge, I need to feel my blood pumping, I want to hunt my prey and eventually catching them. It’s boring when the prey doesn’t get caught and that is now my problem. I’m bored of having ants when I want a deer or maybe even a mountain lion. And now that I’ve discovered my bored state I plan to bulldoze through it like I do most things. There isn’t a point in analyzing for too long or deep as to why this happens. It just does. And I bulldoze through it. So I’ll just go talk to some new subs I might find boring or not and wack the hunter in me a few times in the head. 

The song recommendation for this post is a song I sing quite often because of how beautiful and soothing it sounds ☺️

The other day I was doing one of my favorite things which is over analyze. And I was thinking. We call people here insta doms or insta subs and they are people that go “submit to me right now” or “own me”. What about a hello maybe? But then I started thinking. Aren’t these people just the one night stands of the bdsm world? They just want the sexual part and none of the emotional. From what I’ve seen the doms get a sub for like a day or two and then discard them after getting nudes and videos or whatever it is they want. For the subs they want to just be owned and will do whatever you want and then disappear (I call those vacation subs). So really instead of being called insta doms or insta subs they should instead be referred to as one night stand dom and one night stand sub. 😏😏

There’s just no way I’m not jumping on this wagon 😂 so go ahead and ask me three questions. I’ll try answering everything even if it’s very personal. 

Little canary sing me a song

Sing more

Sing louder

Shh I’m plucking your wings for your own good

Let me keep you for my selfishness

Don’t cry little canary

I’ll love you for an eternity

Keep singing

Forget the pain of losing your wings

Remain trapped in my cage

Would you like a better cage?

Why won’t you remain?

Don’t leave my little canary

Sing once more for me

I want to always hear you sing

Please remain

I’ll make you fake wings

Just remain my little canary

Always singing for me

Don’t leave don’t leave

I need your song

As I bitterly cry

But my canary is gone

Flew far far away

Now I sing a new song

Hoping for my canary to come back

Come back my lovely

And sing once again for me

I’ll join you in the song

This time

So I mentioned showing my Halloween costumes throughout the years. Or at least the ones I found 😂 there’s one year I dressed as a grim reaper and I didn’t take a single full body pic. 

First pic is just a corset dress. I wasn’t going for any theme. I just thought it looked hot and bought it. Lemme tell ya... it’s damn hard to breathe and eat with a corset 

Then we got the costume I made  it was a mermaid costume. I couldn’t find one good picture with the finished costume so... I went for semi finished 

Let’s be like Britney Spears now! “All eyes on my at the center of the stage just like a circus”

Red riding hood cuz... why not 😂😂

Alice in wonderland is an obvious one of anyone has read my blogs. I do have two out of three tattoos based on it...

Last but not least. A demon. With no tail cuz yeah. I had horns at least 🙄 and I still own that costume... somewhere in the house 

And that’s all for old Halloween costumes. I’ll see about posting a pic for this year’s costume by next week or so 🤷‍♀️ 
And for my new song obsession 

Let’s make this a challenge 😉 show me your previous Halloween ghosts. I dare you. 😈

Halloween is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it every year. I love spending months thinking of what I’ll dress up as and then last minute changing my mind! This year Halloween falls on Saturday which would have been great except for this pandemic. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to go out this year and it truly makes me sad. I love spending hours putting the costume on and my makeup and make sure everything is perfect then go out and see what everyone else is dressed as. Last year I wasn’t able to go out and party for Halloween because of certain reasons so I was never able to wear my costume. And I damn love that costume. It’s the Cheshire Cat and I’m obsessed with Alice in wonderland. Two of my three tattoos are very much alice in wonderland themed. I also love the way the costume looks on me. It’s a bodysuit and as someone with an hourglass figure... it looks damn hot. I tried it on the other day again and I spent far too much time just staring t myself in the mirror... drooling. In recent years I keep buying costumes that make me drool like crazy. Also I love the kitty paw gloves for the costume! They are so damn cute omg that I even said meow 😸 I’m still hoping so bad that I can go out and party for Halloween. I also find it quite interesting that Halloween will be on a full moon this year. All the crazies will be out and that... is great. 

I’m probably a mix of two songs one of which is in Spanish. 

This is a harder challenge for me as I love reading about the supernatural and have far too many favorites and yes I know it’s either one or two but I’m sooo not following that. There’s not just one or two I like but a lot so I’ll go for the top 5!

First off the list and my favorite one: Vampires. I’ve read so many vampire books and they are always so damn hot. The idea of being a vampire and the crazy vampire sex... yup that sold me. Grabbing my victim, biting them everywhere. Small bites in different places. Watching the blood flow and costing their skin in it. Then licking it off slowly. Sinking fangs into my victim and hear them moan from pleasure. Since I essentially read porn the bite tends to be pleasurable and an easy way to make the victim cum. Let’s not even get started on movies. Interview with the vampire.. far too many attractive men there. Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Antonio Bandera. God those three men are attractive as hell and with long hair... hell yes. Sign me up on a threesome with those three. Anyways, yeah. Vampires are hot as hell. I’d love being one and have crazy vampire sex where I break the damn house ;)

Next on my list: succubus/incubus. They are sex demons. What more can I say? Sex would them always sounds extremely mind blowing. Even as they suck your life away. They are also mentioned as being extreme seductive. Like sin incarnate

Next would be: grim reaper. I feel when we die a grim reaper comes and picks us up. I do believe there is The grim reaper and I believe there’s other grim reapers that work under him. I also have a bit of a fanaticism towards death so I’ve always thought of grim reapers as fascinating. They escort our souls to our heaven or hell and I believe for certain people they give them the chance of being part of them and I think that would be exciting. Also can you imagine dying and being confused and next thing you know your dream man/woman in looks is there to pick your soul up? Oh yes that’d be nice. 
My next pick will be: elves. I’ve recently been reading a lot of books about elves and -cough- the without describe their ears as extremely sensitive. One without even went as far as saying it turned them on to the point that they would go into a sexual frenzy. The lucky female character couldn’t walk properly for a while. Also... have you guys seen legolas? So damn sexy with those pointy ears and that long hair... yup sign me up for an elf 

Next and last on my list: angels. Almost same thing as elves but with the wings. Touch them and they go into a sexual frenzy. It would also be pretty hot just having sex with a sexy as hell angel and their wings just open up and cover you up. Yeah... would also be pretty cool to be wrapped around them all nice and comfy

Anyways those are my top 5 but I could spend a lot of time talking about other supernatural beings/creatures I totally adore and the sexy as hell pornographic as hell books I’ve read about them... 

Ps. Best ones are the reverse harem ones. Which I’m currently reading one of... a collection of short reverse supernatural harem. Right now it’s shape shifters. Yup. Sign me up for a few of those too.