I study things. It would probably be easier to list the things I don’t study versus what I do. I see the world as a complex puzzle with all these complex pieces moving back and forth. People tend to be the most complex of all, but when you pull back the curtain and get a good peek inside, you learn that while complex they can also be very simple. People can be predictable and are creatures of habit.
Over the years, I’ve made it my mission to try and understand people. As a writer that understanding is critical in trying to develop and create deep and realistic characters. As a Dom I find it’s imperative to knowing how to approach and handle s-types. There are lots of questions I have when I engage with a new potential. How are they submissive? Why are they submissive? Most importantly, what motivates them?
There are any numbers of answers to the first two questions. The How’s tend to factor into how they label themselves. The path their submission took during their journey. Do they like to service or to be cared for? Do they appreciate the safety and security of a dynamic, or is there some deeper feeling that makes them just know it’s right?
The Why’s are equally complex and rooted deep in a person’s psychology. Some seek out reassurance and validation, others desire to replace a dominant force that may be missing from their life, (i.e. a Daddy like figure.) Some may have been abused and find themselves stuck in a perpetual cycle of needing to chase a long dead figment from their past. They are stuck on such feelings like uselessness and worthlessness.
While the first two questions are branching and winding, I find that no matter the answers for those, In my experience there are two primary motivations, Respect or Fear. Now, both can be present in varying degrees, but with most things relative to submission I like to think in terms of a sliding scale versus absolutes. I don’t believe in absolutes. We can’t be shaded in only one color, when there are so many factors that go into our particular and unique makeup. So, when I approach a new potential, the one thing I seek to find out, is what motivates them?
The answer to that question isn’t always apparent. However, in many ways it’s the key to unlocking a person’s submission. For instance, a lot of subs have this drive to feel safe and secure. They like the idea of having a Dominant force that they can lean on, to guide and direct. A force they trust in and has their best interest at heart. These types might find themselves labeled as service type subs and possibly littles. They are driven by desires to please and typically selfless types that usually only require reassurance and validation. They need positive forces to build them up. Now, keep in mind each of these do find themselves on a sliding scale. On one end you have Respect and the other end Fear.
The Respect aspect is the desire to feel wanted and cared for. They typically don’t respond well to conflict in a dynamic. They shrink and cower from it. A “Good Girl” offers validation and can set things right in a dynamic. When things are uncertain, they tend to be unsettled, to the point they try and over-correct perceived flaws. “What can I do better?” It’s more about an aversion to conflict, versus seeking it.
The Fear aspect tends to be the opposite in that these types of subs enjoy conflict. The negative force that comes from deconstructing and breaking down. They enjoy stepping up and feeding off the fear and struggle that can exist in a dynamic. If things get too quiet or tranquil, they will act out to induce a ripple or introduce some sort of adversity. The brat types would have some element of this I suspect. I know there are arguments, that brats aren’t subs, and in part my idea of the sliding scale comes from my experiences with brats. These brats are the ones that want to act out and be cowed. The want to fight and be unruly, but then want to be put in their place. What is used to put them in their place? Strength of personality and fear? Fear is powerful. What’s even more powerful is overcoming it. Sedating and pushing it into the deep dark recesses of your mind knowing that at any moment it could resurface. The fear of losing a Dom could be a very strong motivation.
While, I admit, there’s something deeper beneath the surface when it comes to submission. I do believe that Fear and Respect are two touchstones to help guide you on the correct path to understanding the type of s-type you are dealing with. I also think that it’s a good start for self-introspection.
So, fear and respect? Is there something else, or am I way off base?
