I have been alone, without a kink partner for a little over a year. The parting was difficult as it involved some complete untruths or half truths. It took me many months to get even close to being open to finding another partner. But I know enough of myself to know that a long term bonded D/s or M/s (preferably) is necessary for my continued happiness.
So, on The Cage, I began looking through adds, an extensive endeavor. As I live in the Austin area of Texas, I looked in Austin. Then opened it out to central Texas, then Texas as a whole, then neighboring states, and finally, every add from any area within the United States including Hawaii and Alaska. I can not say I did not talk with many delightful and engaging people, but no one that seemed to definitely click with my desires and interests. I must say that this was a touch depressing. The idea of beginning any form of relationship with someone who did not even live in the same country and probably not even a citizen when what I wanted was a long term, live-in, life bonded relationship seemed, to say the least, a bit overwhelming. So I stopped, a bit resigned.
Then what seems like many moons ago I received a letter from a young lady who understood she was not what I was looking for (lived in the Netherlands) asking if I might be open to answering questions or giving advice, which I was. I will not go into major details, but the texts moved into video calls, questions and answers moved into affectionate comments, deeper understanding and attraction.
But let me express clearly the challenges here. Obviously there is the long distance element. 5000 miles is not to be sneezed at. It does not allow that slow acquisition of knowledge and familiarity that comes from meetings for coffee and weekend dates. Here I wish to Highly complement this woman. Before long she said that it was necessary we meet, and she would buy the ticket to Texas and stay with me. She had two weeks vacation. What an incredible commitment. There was no indication that she would expect me to be responsible for travel expenses.
Add to this that she is half my age. Because I was born shortly after the Civil War, this was not a case of her immaturity. But there is a distinct difference of history between us. With age and location contrasts, our earliest memories are beyond different. This profoundly effects the third element.
Third, and perhaps most significant, I have been involved in the BDSM community for close to 30 years. She has known that it was a need of hers (excellent insight), but one where she had almost NO experience. What this created was an incredible level of inappropriate assumptions on my part. And I made them. Our first visit was...problematic. I assumed she would be willing to engage in actions of submission without explicit negotiations and that was a profound mistake on my part. Sigh.
It is tempting for a Dominant to assume they are, at some level, in charge. That when a person tells them that the Dominant "Owns" them, that implies some level of permanent lasting reality, when, in fact, it is a moment to moment agreement between two people who are obliged to express their own and understand the other's expectations. In actuality, it is an authority exchange. One person, again moment to moment, gives authority over some aspect of themselves to a person of their choosing. I tend to think that my role as a Master is only as a "manipulator". The important element here is my intent. While I can not claim I universally maintain this, but my intent is to increase the physical, mental and spiritual health of anyone who gives me authority, and greatly to increase our mutual JOY,
After her visit to Texas, it seemed obvious to me that this relationship was worth the work. I immediately made plans for a visit to Rijswijk (Yea, YOU pronounce it.) I committed to a month and that was extended at her request and my joy for an additional month. Another visit to Texas is planned for late this year to be followed with high hopes by another visit to Europe and a final trip back to Texas together.
But let me say in conclusion that the challenges are still there. Age gap, long distance and a wide difference in BDSM experience. Do I have answers for all these challenges? Nope. But I know directions. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be open to misunderstandings. Be free to ask, "What did you mean by that?" Trust the intent, both your own and the other's. Know if the relationship is worth the work, then do the work. Do NOT make the mistake of being Dominant before that Dominance has been invited.
