The Eroticist

I am trying to develop a class on Negotiations. I have seen that most classes in kink conventions center on particular forms of play rather than the necessary but possibly boring negotiations beforhand. But they are an absolute Necessity.

This may seem repetitive and redundant.  I tried to include suggestions that point in all possible directions, but I come from a background of being a CisMale Heterosexual Dominant Daddy type, so I am sure I missed much.  Just because I mention something does NOT mean it is required, but it should be discussed.  Any and all suggestions are requested and welcome.  I mean that seriously. Please let me know you have ideas in a Direct Message and I will pass

There has been some difficulty in posting it here.  It was written as an outline but gets pasted here as a simple one column list of all items which is totally confusing.  I originally attempted to show a link to where it is posted on my original blog, but that is on a different site and posting that link is against THECAGE policy.  Also I asked for feedback to be sent directly to me, and that is also against THECAGE policy.  SO, if anyone wants to read it and send me some feedback, you can give me a Direct Message here, and I can then send you the link and my address for feedback.

In the many conventions I have attended, the primary classes offered have covered details on the active things we do.  I have done demos on whips, floggers, spanking, and many different forms of corporal activity.  But rarely have I seen a demo on how to negotiate the beginnings of a relationship or play date between two people on first meeting.  I think that is a worthy area of study.  I am not saying I am an expert, but I want to bring it forward for examination.

I am moving slowly through my two websites, Art and Kink to make sure links and content are up to date, and displayed correctly.  As I move through my kinksite, TheEroticist.Com, every once in a while I will come to something that seems particularly appropriate.  This, I think, is appropriate for any age.

As I wish to emphasize the Erotic here and in my life, I think it is worth while to concentrate periodically on what seems erotic to me. The scene in “American Beauty” filmed by the character Ricky Fitts (Wes Bently) of a piece of paper tossed by the wind.  The smell of night Jasmine after sunset.  The walk of a confident woman.  A long pleasurable sigh.  Really fine wine.  Iced cream of almost any mint licked off of or by a lover.  Sunlight through autumn leaves.  Watching people so engaged that they know of no one else’s presence.  Older couples dancing well.  The smell of the first summer shower.  The feel of clean sheets on a cold night.  The idea as you lie on the floor of an Aspen forest, that each tree is part of a whole and you are in the embrace of one of the largest beings on the planet.  A Clear Dark Black Sky at night.

And as always, any healthy human who is aware of their sensuality.

Please, this is your opportunity to contribute.  What is erotic to you?

The Eroticist

Next time you go out to dinner with someone you love, as you pull out their chair and move them in, gently run your hands down each arm and softly move their hands either behind them, or if that is uncomfortable, into their lap, and whisper into their ear, “Do not move.”  They will probably respond with, “What?”  Just repeat, “Do not move” as you pat her hands.  Perhaps cover them with their napkin.

Eating this way makes the accustomed task unusual, something physical that you share together. It makes it a time of play, of closeness, of sensuality, of one taking charge, control, and using that control to serve the one you love.  It is a dance.

Order for both of you.  If they are wise, they will accept whatever you decide.  It is only one meal, after all.  Then, as you continue conversation as you normally would.  You must feed them.  You must convey each fork or spoonful to their mouth – Serve.  They must open for you – Receive.  Your timing must match – The Dance.

On the practical side, it is easier if you sit at a small table and face your partner, be careful with the beverages and don’t dress in your best.  It can be tricky.  Enjoy.

The Eroticist

We live in a world now that was almost unimaginable in my childhood. Remember that this was before Telstar (July 10, 1962 ) the first communication satellite, though a century after the first transatlantic telegraph cable (1858). (Yea, I am an old fuck, just starting my fourth quarter-century.) But the idea that I could, at the virtual push of a button, see and talk to someone over 5000 miles away and see their immediate reaction, was only conceivable to science fiction writers.

I often think about what it takes to clearly communicate. As an actor for most of my life and a Master or wannabe for the last quarter-century, the meaning of my content is tremendously important. What is it that we pay attention to when we listen?

This is where my thoughts lead. Voice tone, body position, voice volume, eye direction, movement, smell, and distracting actions are the most pertinent. I say this emphasizing what I do not include is Content.

In my career as an actor, I often engaged in the exercise where one takes one sentence and repeats it in five different ways conveying five different meanings. Try it, it is entertaining. The point here is that there is a multitude of meanings possible from the same words. Words. Look at the page you are reading. The words in front of you are all you have, and just as in your favorite novel, everything else comes from your own mind, the sound of my voice, where I am looking. To paraphrase Dragnet, “Just the words, Ma’am, just the words.”

In your novel, as you read the words, you build the scene, the sounds, any possible distraction, etc. from inside. You may be told that the conversation takes place in a room or outside, perhaps the weather, the period may help you build the outfit or costumes, but unless told, explicitly, all the elements I previously mentioned, tone, position, volume, movement, etc. are built by you, the reader. Not by the words you are reading.

Does anyone wonder why online relationships have such challenges once a meeting takes place? One reason I so overwhelmingly respect my slaafja is that within a month of conversations, primarily textual, she insisted on our meeting and took it on herself to buy the ticket to come 5000 miles to live with me for two weeks. Even so, it was fraught with the need to resolve misinterpreted communication, primarily by me.  (I should mention that I followed by a month-long trip to her, extended at her choice by a second month.)

So, do I have recommendations? An overwhelming yes. 1) The more you can have face-to-face conversations the better. Use technology.  Be informative and polite. If life gets in the way of a conversation, let people know. "Sorry, gotta go.  I'll be back to check messages in a couple of hours.", "...at 4.", "...after I finish the laundry.", etc.  You would be surprised at what an imagination can build within silence.  2) Use my most favorite question, “What do you mean by that?” If something is said in text that is particularly emotional to you, ask about it immediately and preferably in a video connection. And most strongly, 3)  if this is a relationship important to you or becoming so, do whatever you can to have a face-to-face, in-person visit, for as long as possible.

To emphasize safety, I wish to recommend a post on safe calls (https://www.evilmonk.org/a/bamm02.cfm) which is particularly informative, but a complete discussion on first visit safety is worthy of a far more extensive post.

I had a small conversation about feelings and the control thereof with CivilizedStallion prompted by his superb blog here.  That and a conversation with my most loved girl this AM prompted me to jot down some thoughts.

  
CivilizedStallion in his blog "Don't Get Excited" stated that in moments of difficulty between himself and his slave "In the heat of the problem he has two choices... he can either have a visible emotional reaction... letting his emotions dominate him... or he can view the situation as a problem to be solved, internalize it... and dominate his emotions.

"Why do we call this an 'immediate choice'? Because unfortunately he only has a moment to make this choice. The better choice is to dominate his emotions, and solve the problem as a problem by asking 'what needs to be done here?'... but it's also the harder way, because dominance is a skill, and it takes time to develop this skill. "

The thoughts this brought to mind involve the feelings that any difficulty, particularly those that arise within a Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship might bring to the fore. Strong feelings can occur for a multitude of reasons, but I feel that “dominating” them may convey a poor solution.

While I agree completely with the process CivilizedStallion points to, I did not want to go on without explaining my thoughts on how the FEELINGS are never wrong and should NEVER be ignored nor suppressed. They are never the problem. The PROBLEMS in my experience come from the SCRIPTS we write about them, the "WHYs".

We reach times when, for a multitude of reasons, we feel dreadful.  We are sad, afraid, ashamed, angry, disgusted, lonely, melancholy or annoyed, etc.  Nothing wrong with that.  But then we write ourselves scripts about WHY we feel that way.  "If only my wife hadn't... My slave should NEVER... Why can't my boss... One More Time, if my kids... Why do I always..."  Then because we do feel dreadful and want to stop feeling dreadful, we have to act and do something on, against, around, or for our partners, bosses, kids, submissives, slaves or ourselves.

I suppose what I am trying to say is...no point, don't bother, forget about it.

Now I am NOT saying that actions can never alleviate problems.  What I AM saying is do not write scripts based on your feelings, just feel them.  Really look at them. Notice where you put them, your head (headaches), your stomach (ulcers), your lungs, your back (the result of that has plagued me since High School).  How do you run from them?  Because that is what scripts are for, protecting your ego and running from your feelings.  Even if your scripts are right.

Even if the reasons you write scripts for your feelings are absolutely correct, writing a script while in the midst of them rather than pausing to allowing your feelings to be felt is a mistake.  As I believe CivilizedStallion explained well in his blog, “...when the ego gets involved people lash out and do and say things that are not conducive to a good dynamic :[SIC] feelings get involved... and hurt. Regret is the result.”

On to the issue of the “immediate choice”. I do not believe that the choice is only between reacting emotionally or controlling the emotions and solving the problem. I believe that an additional wise choice, if possible is, “I hear you, I understand you, and want time to consider my response.” Then go and sit with your feelings. You may find that as painful as they are, they are actually your friend.

Over the last 30 years since I began in the lifestyle the major mistake I have seen from Doms and subs is that there is firm rulebook that everyone is to follow to the best of their ability or they are not REAL, like some form of Velvetine kink person.  You will hear that term "REAL" often from overly pretentious dominants who really enjoy their self made position of authority.  Only they can tell you how a REAL dominant or REAL sub should behave.

Please understand, THERE IS NO RULE BOOK!!!

The entire realm of BDSM behavior has been and will be created by a vast group of people who have come to the decision that the socially dictated behavior they were shown as they were growing is NOT how they want to live.  They decided that it was UP TO THEM how they should live and they took it upon themselves to develop THEIR OWN rules.  They may see some behavior they wish to model, but there is no obligation.

You have the same obligation and it is not necessarily easy.  YOU, Doms and subs alike, must take the time to learn enough about yourselves to build the rules YOU want to live by, learn what your needs are, and go after a partner who can satisfy them.  YOU write the rule book, but that book is YOUR rule book and no one else's.  No one else's rulebook is right for YOU.

If a Dominant tells you how a submissive is to behave, he is reading out of HIS (or HER) rulebook.  The submissive has to be self aware enough to know if it fits within HER (or HIS) rulebook.  If it doesn't, then look for someone whose rules DO.  You have finally gotten to the point of understanding that the societal rules you have learned are not for you.  Do not blithely accept someone else's.  Write your own.

I have been alone, without a kink partner for a little over a year.  The parting was difficult as it involved some complete untruths or half truths.  It took me many months to get even close to being open to finding another partner.  But I know enough of myself  to know that a long term bonded D/s or M/s (preferably) is necessary for my continued happiness.

So, on The Cage, I began looking through adds, an extensive endeavor.  As I live in the Austin area of Texas, I looked in Austin.  Then opened it out to central Texas, then Texas as a whole, then neighboring states, and finally, every add from any area within the United States including Hawaii and Alaska.  I can not say I did not talk with many delightful and engaging people, but no one that seemed to definitely click with my desires and interests.  I must say that this was a touch depressing.  The idea of beginning any form of relationship with someone who did not even live in the same country and probably not even a citizen when what I wanted was a long term, live-in, life bonded relationship seemed, to say the least, a bit overwhelming.  So I stopped, a bit resigned.

Then what seems like many moons ago I received a letter from a young lady who understood she was not what I was looking for (lived in the Netherlands) asking if I might be open to answering questions or giving advice, which I was.  I will not go into major details, but the texts moved into video calls, questions and answers moved into affectionate comments, deeper understanding and attraction.

But let me express clearly the challenges here.  Obviously there is the long distance element.  5000 miles is not to be sneezed at.  It does not allow that slow acquisition of knowledge and familiarity that comes from meetings for coffee and weekend dates.  Here I wish to Highly complement this woman.  Before long she said that it was necessary we meet, and she would buy the ticket to Texas and stay with me.  She had two weeks vacation. What an incredible commitment.  There was no indication that she would expect me to be responsible for travel expenses.

Add to this that she is half my age.  Because I was born shortly after the Civil War, this was not a case of her immaturity.  But there is a distinct difference of history between us.  With age and location contrasts, our earliest memories are beyond different.  This profoundly effects the third element.

Third, and perhaps most significant, I have been involved in the BDSM community for close to 30 years.  She has known that it was a need of hers (excellent insight), but one where she had almost NO experience.  What this created was an incredible level of inappropriate assumptions on my part.  And I made them.  Our first visit was...problematic.  I assumed she would be willing to engage in actions of submission without explicit negotiations and that was a profound mistake on my part.  Sigh.

It is tempting for a Dominant to assume they are, at some level, in charge.  That when a person tells them that the Dominant "Owns" them, that implies some level of permanent lasting reality, when, in fact, it is a moment to moment agreement between two people who are obliged to express their own and understand the other's expectations.  In actuality, it is an authority exchange.  One person, again moment to moment, gives authority over some aspect of themselves to a person of their choosing.  I tend to think that my role as a Master is only as a "manipulator".  The important element here is my intent.  While I can not claim I universally maintain this, but my intent is to increase the physical, mental and spiritual health of anyone who gives me authority, and greatly to increase our mutual JOY,

After her visit to Texas, it seemed obvious to me that this relationship was worth the work.  I immediately made plans for a visit to Rijswijk (Yea, YOU pronounce it.)  I committed to a month and that was extended at her request and my joy for an additional month.  Another visit to Texas is planned for late this year to be followed with high hopes by another visit to Europe and a final trip back to Texas together.

But let me say in conclusion that the challenges are still there.  Age gap, long distance and a wide difference in BDSM experience.  Do I have answers for all these challenges?  Nope.  But I know directions.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Be open to misunderstandings.  Be free to ask, "What did you mean by  that?" Trust the intent, both your own and the other's.  Know if the relationship is worth the work, then do the work.  Do NOT make the mistake of being Dominant before that Dominance has been invited.

I have been away for several months for the very best of reasons.  More on that later for people who do not know me well.

A friend wrote me today about a particular situation that brought up some anger and how she dealt with it.  I think all of us deal with strong emotions from time to time.  I certainly do and I have been doing a lot of reflection from a Buddhist background and this was what came out.

What the human brain tends to do is to try to "explain" to ourselves why we feel the way we do.  Most of the time our emotions come from some incident, something that happens (a comment heard or even a small mistake) that seems to CAUSE our emotion.  But often, the strength and direction of those emotions come from far earlier elements of our life, things of which we are emotionally reminded by what happened now.

We then hold intense conversations within ourselves about how we will deal with the person who or the situation that offended us. This internal conversation can easily intensify our emotion and prompt thoughts about what we are going to DO to solve the situation, act quickly, get revenge, and lower the level of our emotion. We write scripts in our head about the things we will do.

To me, this is the main problem. While it is perfectly appropriate to sit with our EMOTION, it is never profitable to write the scripts. Your emotions ARE. Fine. FEEL them. You do not have to DO anything about them except to feel them. Are you angry?  FEEL it, BE angry. Are you sad? BE sad. Your emotions are worthy of respect.  But do not spend time planning what you are going to DO about them. Just be with yourself and FEEL your emotions.

This is intensely difficult to do in the moment, particularly in the middle of an argument.  It is profitable to practice with small things and remember "Time Outs".  Those who are parents should remember them clearly.  But it is useful to accept one for yourself.  It is totally appropriate to say, "I am to angry (emotional, sad, etc.) and need a moment to my self."  Then take the time to sit, feel the emotion, notice where in your body you put it (headache, back pain, stomach, etc.), allow yourself to experience it, but avoid writing scripts.

LOL, I am not sure any of this applies to us as members of the BDSM community, for Dominants and Masters are ALWAYS understanding and quietly communicative, and submissives and slaves are ALWAYS blissfully obedient.  But perhaps it may apply to us as humans.  We might understand far more about ourselves and make far fewer mistakes with other people.

It started last Thursday, I think, though the ending may not yet be in sight.  I went to the garage to get an additional creamer for my coffee.  I was greeted by a wave of heat and a growing stench.  Yes, it had died and carried with it about $250 of meat and dairy.  Spectacularly!  Milk was curdled and the meat had blead all over the bottom of the freezer.  It was, literally, hotter than the surrounding garage joyously roasting in the Texas summer heat.

I have a policy with American Home Warrantee which covers, at an extra fee, my garage fridge, and I when they said that Ace Appliance (rated one and a half stars on Yelp) would be here on Friday I was surprised.  (That is quicker than I am used to with American Home Warrantee.)  Around noon, a gentleman came and I explained that when I discovered the problem the fridge was hotter than the surrounding garage and mentioned the spoiled meat and dairy and my need to clean it.  The fridge was open and the freezer drawer was removed and disinfectant spray was still sitting on the fridge shelf.

He then asked me if I was defrosting it.

This surprised me as I had just that second finished explaining about the spoilage and temp.  I did not really feel it NEEDED defrosting.  He then plugged in the fridge, looked at it, had extensive conversations on the phone in Russian, took photos, reminded me that I had to pay $75 and said he thought it was the compressor, but he was not a compressor guy, so that someone else from the company would have to contact me.

I asked him if he could assist me in remounting the freezer drawer and he told me that it was against policy.  If I had disassembled it, he could not touch it.  I was responsible for reassembly.  The drawer is a bit weighty and two metal tabs had to be slipped into two metal slots on the sliding bars and I am 74, live alone, and needed help.  But he could not, by policy, touch it.

That was the last I heard from Ace Appliance (rated one and a half stars on Yelp) until I called them the following Friday, today.

In my long conversation with the young boy who handled their phone, I was asked repeatedly if the fridge was assembled.  As it was a stand alone, I was confused.  After many questions, I finally began to understand that they were not talking about the type of fridge, but that the repair man had reported that it was disassembled, referring to the fact that the drawer was removed.  But all the company knew was that it was disassembled and so they could not repair it until they could see that it was fully assembled, running for 24 hours, and still having a problem.  So since they had not been assured of that, they would not return, not send anyone out, and reported to American Home Warrantee that it was resolved.

When I called American Home Warrantee, I spent about 5 minutes hearing repeated messages on how I could request a service call on line before finding out the appropriate response to get a human.  This human listened for about 5 minutes, I think, to my summation of the situation before I realized that the call had disconnected and no one was on the line.

On my second call, this time to a young gentleman for whom English was NOT his first language, I was put on hold several times before being informed that Ace Appliance (rated one and a half stars on Yelp) would not be able to be out to check on my fridge until next Wednesday.  But they did say that even though it was a new work order, I would not have to pay the $75.

Now, not to allow you to think that this week was all about my Fridge, I will jaunt off to a bit about my new computer.

My computer is getting a little strained in its old age.  I am an avid game player and get a bit thrown when the voice which should come louder from the character in front of me, does not improve until I turn around.  Also, the monitors blacking out every once in a while, is a bit troublesome.  It is, maybe 10 years old.

Now, as I am getting a new machine, I thought now was the best time to add shelves in my office so I could move the speakers up above the monitors, and perhaps get the external drives where I could reach them rather than hidden beyond my feet under the desk.

I am very lucky to have a good friend who is a computer professional.  He has assisted me many times with windows issues and diagnostic strategies.  He has volunteered to assemble my next machine (yes, I am paying him.) so all the parts are being delivered to him.  He then offered to assist me in assembling and setting it up which is generous because it will educate me considerably but will add considerable time to the process.

Anyway, everything is delivered and I headed out to his house with my keyboard, mouse and old box to start the process.  Obviously, the first thing to unpack is the box, case, thing that is going to hold it all.  New, fancy with a glass door so you can see all the workings, which, unfortunately is discovered to be in several thousand tiny little pieces.

Calls, photos, pack up my keyboard, mouse and box and head home.

BUT, waiting for the replacement box will give me time to get the shelving I want in my office so I can have more room.

I will not go into GREAT detail, but suffice it to say $300 later, after visiting two different stores, I now have the equipment to install two, 20 inch deep shelves across a 10 foot wall, all ready to have piles of wires moving between them.

Oh, wait, one more thing.  I have a relatively small car so getting them in was rather difficult.  I got 4 six foot shelves which fit into the car, just barely.  The only issue is that on the drive home, they slipped a bit and put several foot long cracks in my windshield.  Sigh!

See you Wednesday.

I talk quite a bit when I can, with close friends and important advisers about what it is to be a Master. Many areas of discussion came up, one of the most important was the emotional care and involvement that a Master feels towards those who give them authority over them.  The Master's love for them, if you will.

Assuredly this comes directly from my own point of view.  I have heard strong arguments from many people that you can not maintain a D/s or M/s relationship if you love your s-type.  I disagree.  But this involves something quite different from what is usually experienced in the Vanilla world as "Love."

I certainly can not say this is true in all cases, but I do believe in most.  In Vanilla relationships there is usually little discussion as to what the actual relationship entails.  What does it mean to be married? There are assumptions, many of them, but few discussions.  What does, "Head of the Household" mean to you?  Which one of you will be the HotH?  What expectations does one partner have about the other, "now that we're married."  How does either's behavior change?  Though I would guess that both people expect it to change.  I doubt that there is much discussion about what those changes might, or should be.

So what happens often is that the relationship changes through a sense of appeasement.  Internal negotiation, if you will.  "Ok, this doesn't seem to be working, maybe I should change, maybe I should try things this way." rather than sitting down for a time of clear, introspective communication with your partner.

It is my opinion that one of the greatest advantages of a D/s or M/s relationship is negotiation.  While just as I said about vanilla relationships, I can not say this is true in all cases, I certainly would hope it is true in most.  Before entering into a D/s or M/s relationship there are extensive discussions about what one person would be to the other.  What are each person's responsibilities?  How is one person to behave towards the other, though these roles and responsibilities may be quite different for each partner.

But this negotiation, this questioning back and forth, each (hopefully) asking the other, "What did you mean by that?", this does not, in any way, preclude a deep and overwhelming love and affection from each for the other.  What it does do (again, in my choice of relationship) is add to that love an understanding of expectation.  We understand what is expected of the other, and what is expected by the other.

Within my (our, considering my audience) chosen dynamic, one of the most important elements of those negotiations and expectations is the element of obedience.  It is often said that in an M/s relationship there is only one rule, obedience.  But there are many forms of relationship outside of M/s and many levels of obedience that are required.  In any form of negotiation, honesty, commitment and clear communication is necessary.  What you have said you will do, you are expected to do.  We are, after all, dealing with relationships where the transfer of authority is central.

If a commitment is made, it must be held to.  If the slave or submissive, the person giving authority, has the ability to choose, after negotiations have concluded, to take back that authority, to willfully disobey a "request" in an area where they have given authority, that is a challenge to the basic form of the relationship.  It is destructive to its core principles.  It is an end point.  (Please understand, I am NOT referencing situations where unexpected life events may prevent a task being completed only where given authority has been taken back.)

It may be easy to view the Dominant, the Master, the Authority as that strong willed person who sets the rules, holds the authority, punishes the transgressor, and if the commitments are not held, if the relationship falls apart, walks away with confidence and little regret.  Of course, the ability to do that, to see that the relationship is not working, and to call it, is truly vital.  As a very wise mentor told me, "Make the vocation of mastery more important than the relationship(s) in which that vocation plays out.  In other words, stay true to your calling and do not betray yourself in order to save, salvage or appease a relationship...any relationship."

But that, in no way, means it does not hurt.  It comes with a sense of deep loss, a feeling of personal failure, and a questioning of your own value and understanding.  It can be devastating, and require a time of recovery and healing.

Unfortunately, to be a Master, you must take  that responsibility.

The Eroticist