As a Man, I have been taught to suppress emotional pain. To hold it in. To deny it. As though feeling emotional pain and discomfort is a sign of weakness. It's a lesson that our society presses so hard into us as men, that it is nearly impossible to overcome. As a Dom, that expectation seems magnified a hundredfold, even though I know that's just an illusion of my own making.
Tonight I am going to attempt to overcome that illusion. Not for the benefit of anyone else, but for my own. Once again, I am writing for myself. If you are reading this and find value, I am pleased... but that is not my purpose for writing tonight. This is me, being vulnerable, and recognizing that some may choose to see this a a weakness. I choose not to.
There is a balance in all things. An equilibrium that is naturally reached when you accept who and what you truely are. Sometimes that need for balance causes an emotional pendulum effect... you are filled with overwhelming pleasure one moment, only to feel heart wrenching pain the next. You feel love fill you to the point of overflowing, only to find yourself drained to your core by apathy the next. Lifted on the wings of ecstasy only to later be crushed under the weight of depression.
These waves are a natural part of the journey... or at least that have been a natural part of mine. I find that the more I understand about myself, the more stable that sway becomes. The closer I get to self-realization, the smoother the waters become...
...most of the time that is...
...but sometimes, things just happen. The placid waters are suddenly turned to chop when a boulder violently breaks the surface and shatters the calm. An explosion shatters the gentle silence with deafening consequences. Dynamite tears the foundation out from under you, and in an instant and the air is suddenly filled with choking dust as the tower of your life crashes down around you.
This is where I am right now. My eyes are burning. I can hardly breathe. I can't see where I'm going. I can't hear anything but the fast, steady, rhythmic beating of my heartbeat and an intense ringing in my ears...
...but I know that this will pass. The dust is going to clear. The ringing in my ears will fade.
It is not my intention to air my dirty laundry for all to see, but as I said this is for me. This is to remind me that it's going to be alright. This isn't a loss, its a bump in the road. When the dust clears, you brush off, save and salvage the parts that are valuable, and re-build.
So stop.
Take a deep breath...
...let it out...
...and MOVE.
Do what it takes. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Distance can be overcome. What is lost can be regained. Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't let go. Hold fast to what is important, and free yourself of what isn't.
And as a special "note to self:" Yes, I am a Master, but I am also a servant of one who is much higher than I am. He knows what is going to happen. He is in control. He knows what He is doing, even when I don't have a f**king clue. He is trustworthy, and He has NEVER let me down.
So I'm here. I'm hurting. I have cried tonight until I don't have any tears left to cry. The stress from what's happening has my stomach tied up in knots and my head pounding. I cant sleep. I can't think. My heart is wounded.
But I'll heal.
