My Journey

i have found as you delved further and further into this lifestyle, just like algebra the lessons get harder.   And as they do you become more of the person you were meant to be if you are willing to learn and not run away.  

They are hard.  Some are so hard you really want to run.  You really want to just forget it all and go to cover up your head someplace.  But if you don't, if you are willing to walk through the fire.  What is on the other side is all the rewards.  Yes, it tough! but it is so worth it.  Because with each one of these you become more of who you are meant to be.  And what i have especially learned is that no matter the age there is always more to grow around.  More to learn.  More to experience.  If you are only willing to keep going.  

I am not going to lie.  There have been times when i quit, when i ran, when i didn't see it through.  We all have those times and that's ok.  but i have always come back in some manner.  There have been times of tremendous loss but i have survived.  And i realize that risk every time i move forward with something that may happen.  And i continue to move forward.  because standing still is not an option. 

Every experience is a plethora of learning. Some of it really hard, some of it where you really hurt, some that you just don't understand. But you can always take away little grains of learning.

What have i learned of late. i have learned that i am amazingly resilent. I have learned that no matter what i feel deeply even when it hurts so bad. i have learned more about what i really want and have to have. i have learned how to vet and what to make sure you find out. And i have learned no matter how much all this happens - its still a risk.

But most of all - i have learned how much this lifestyle actually means to me. And I'm not certain it i will ever actually share it with someone, but I'm not willing to give up. Because each time, even when it hurts, it was an opportunity to find out more about who i really am. And that is tremendously important to me.

Most of all i have learned who stands behind me in this and is always there for me when i need them. As well as who pretends to do that to only disappoint you.

So i plan on keeping on with my learning. i am in this way too deep to stop now. and i would never forgive myself if i did.

i have been asked many times why did I want to become a slave. How could i want to do that?

And to be honest i struggled with it as well. My entire career has been spent working in male dominated industries - having to prove myself time after time. Having to work harder to get anywhere near the same recognition being pissed off when someone asked me to serve. Somewhere in that Journey though i lost myself.

What i have found in becoming a slave is that through the process you strip all that away. You strip away the facades. You strip away the pretenses. There is no room for any of that. You give up control - one of the hardest things for me to do. To say to someone else you take this. i am always the one who feels i should take control - not give it up. Although i am longing for someone to do this.

The beauty of becoming a slave and the dichotomy is that you actually are given freedom. Freedom to just be you. Freedom to just feel. Freedom to examine every desire you ever had without judgment. Freedom to experience the deep desire you have to serve and please without being diminished in the process. Freedom to not have to control. Freedom to know there is one Master that you serve.

The flip side of that coin is that you have to be willing to be totally open and vulnerable. And that means you open yourself up to being hurt. And hurt badly, because there is nothing worse than totally giving yourself to someone who tosses you to the curb. It crushes you but you learn. Is the pain worth it - Fuck Yeah. It like light and darkness, you can't have one without the other.

Becoming a slave is very similar to the caterpillar becoming the butterfly, you enter into not knowing exactly what will happen and how it will happen. And a lot of times is just a real gooey painful mess. But if you endure you will become the beautiful true authentic self you were meant to be.


 

A lot has been said about having a slave's heart and what that means. i am not here to debate that argument that has gone on for years. i am just wanting to express what i feel my heart is.

My Master is my world. i was made to serve him. i need to serve him like i need to breath. My dedication runs deep. To be honest i struggle with this at times as we all do because it is such a dichotomy for what i have been conditioned to do. As i have come to accept it i see less and less of the dichotomy. i realize that as i serve i become better at all other aspects of my life.

Commitment and Connection this is the very key to my heart. without the commitment to the relationship, there will be no connection. And for you to control my heart i have to have that connection. A very important factor for me in my relationships is knowing that my Dom can control me. I need that to feel secure and connected. I was told earlier in the week

If we click and have that magic between us, you will be under my control. It will come naturally for both of us.
I hadn't really ever thought about it that way but it is so true. When you have that connection it becomes so much easier. This was one of the lessons that one of my prior Doms taught me. It was all about the connection. Had to have that first.

The lifestyle is a thread of my being - as i started to realize and accept this i became more authentic in everything in my life. Acknowledging and accepting my dark side is one of the biggest self-acceptance exercises i have undertaken. It has taught me so much.

i open myself up and am vulnerable This was a big one. A lot of questioning went into this one. Was i really able to do this? Could i take the chance of being hurt knowing that when i did this i opened myself up? The answer is FUCK YEAH. Now having spent more than one time on the kitchen floor with ice cream and a spoon balling my eyes out (all the women will get this), I know what its like to be hurt. But what i have found on my journey is that each time this happens - i have learned so much. About what i want and what i don't want. And to feel that deeply even when it hurts is much much better than not feeling at all. And each time it has lead me to a better stronger relationship the next time.

Sex as a tool - this one took a while for me to get. To understand that this was just like an exercise program, that i really like to do. LOL. Yes i want to fulfill my fantasies and test my boundaries but am i doing that just for the thrill ( and yes sometimes i am) or to find out more about me and who i truly am. Now don;t get me wrong, i am all for finding that out through sex. but it makes it a much deeper experience.

This is my core - this is who I am - this has taken a lifetime to understand and accept - and i am not done yet by any stretch of the imagination. There is still so much to learn and so much to experience in this journey.