BDSM Dating Series: What Sets BDSM Dating Apart

By CAGE Staff(staff) December 12, 2024

Welcome to the world of BDSM dating. If you're new here, welcome! BDSM dating and non-kink dating are surprisingly different (and surprisingly the same)!

"But how?", you might ask?

Let's go through some of the ways that BDSM dating is different from vanilla dating.

BDSM Dating Has Less Identifiable Information

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where BDSM and kink activities have very real-world repercussions. Being kinky can get you fired, ostracized from your community, or impact child custody. Plus, it's simply a sexual topic that most people want to keep private.

Because of this, you'll often find that people who are BDSM dating may not include any identifiable information on their profile. They may not have any face photos, and they might be cage-y when asked direct, identifiable information.

In general, it's considered rude, to anyone you're not good friends with, to ask for any personally identifiable information in BDSM spaces. While discussing work might be an okay topic in non-kink dating, it's generally frowned upon here (it could lead to identifying where someone works). While face photos are common on non-kinky dating profiles, they're rare here, and many people will want to get a base layer of trust and conversation before they're comfortable sharing one.

If the question you want to ask could be used for security questions at a bank or to sleuth out who someone is, it's probably not a good fit for BDSM dating conversation. This might be jarring if you're used to dating in non-sexual spaces. Even something as innocent as "What's your favorite place to eat in town?" can come across as predatory in kink spaces; answering that question could lead to someone showing up and trying to meet with you even if you both weren't compatible.

Instead, focus on non-identifiable topics like hobbies, activities, movies, music, values, and opinions. This can still give you a lot to play with.

Over time, as a potential date-ee feels more comfortable with you, you'll likely begin to broach some of these more identifiable topics to get to know each other even better.

BDSM Dating Is Regular Date...but On "Hard" Mode

Most people who are BDSM dating are looking for some sort of on-going relationship. This means having a degree of compatibility that won't make you hate one another the minute someone opens their mouth.

This, essentially, means that you're non-kinky dating AND BDSM dating at the same time. You want to match up in personality, but you also want to match up in kinks. It's like non-kinky dating - but with an entire additional layer of complexity on top of all of it.

While this does make BDSM dating, essentially, more difficult than non-kinky dating, the atmosphere that makes kink flourish can also make dating a bit easier. Kink spaces pride themselves on honesty and openness. Add that to the fact that you're meeting in a sexually-open space, and you'll find that people may be willing to discuss some of those frequently-incompatible things with you long before you're on the 5th date.

In BDSM dating, someone may volunteer that they're asexual on their profile, or they might specifically state that they're into chastity or ABDL. This can make your dating experience easier as you aren't tiptoeing around until the 5th or 6th date where you feel comfortable asking. You can ask about those must-have things, from the get-go, and save you both the heartache and time down the line.

This is made even easier by social networking services like THE CAGE provides. THE CAGE now has a "Seeking" section right on your profile. Fill it out with your information, and you can become searchable by anyone who is also seeking. Filter potential matches by age, location, orientation, and more, to see a full picture of kinky people who might be what you're looking for.

Casual BDSM Encounters Require More Lead Up

BDSM activities require a lot more trust than a casual sex hook-up. Where giving or receiving oral sex is relatively risk-free, a lot of BDSM activities include riskier activities that can leave lasting injury. Someone can do temporary or permanent harm if a spanking is done in the wrong place. If bondage is in the picture, it can become inescapable, making it impossible for someone to leave or defend themselves.

This means that BDSM dating, even if the intent is for casual sex, may require more time. People dating for kink may want to talk longer online, or they may require more verification before agreeing to meet up. You both may choose to meet-up in a public place and have a completely "normal" date before even considering a private play meet-up on another day.

Because of the safety and trust issues inherent to BDSM activities, you'll rarely find BDSM dating that goes from finding each other that morning to meeting up at someone's house for play that night.

(Sexual assault and violence happen in both non-kinky and kinky dating. As always, I recommend taking any intent to hook-up slowly, meeting in a public place first, and ensuring you've provided all of the information you know to a trusted friend to give the police somewhere to start if something happens.)

BDSM Dating is Rarely Done for One-Off Encounters

While you often find someone in non-kinky spaces looking for a hook-up for just tonight, you'll rarely find that in BDSM dating spaces.

Not only does BDSM require more trust, but BDSM is a gigantic realm of activities with graduated risk profiles. Meeting someone for the first time may mean that you're open to a light spanking, but you may not want to add bondage into the equation until you've played with this person a few times. This means that you may not be comfortable even doing your favorite kinks until you've already played a few times.

BDSM dating is also, simply, more complicated and difficult. This means that most people who are BDSM dating don't want to do all of this legwork just for a single night. Even kinky daters who are looking for something casual are often wanting something that can casually happen, repeatedly, with no romantic expectations down the line. This "Friends with Benefits" style of relationship happens often for casual BDSM daters; they may refer to it as seeking a "Play Partner" when you're in the world of kink.

There Are a Lot More No-Shows

While some people have hang-ups and preconceived ideas about dating, there is a lot more shame and embarrassment around BDSM. There can also be a lot more nervousness. With all of the jargon and niche knowledge, you can quickly feel "over your head" and nervous about your current experience level in kink spaces.

Since BDSM spaces are sex-forward spaces, there are also a lot more people who may be BDSM dating with deceitful intent. They may be married or otherwise committed and hoping for sex on the side without their partner's consent. This often leads to someone choosing not to pursue anything in-person when it's crunch time and their previously-held fantasies are about to become real realities that can hurt others.

All of this can lead to a lot more scheduled dates where one person simply doesn't show up. They may provide a polite, last-minute explanation, or they may simply block you out of embarrassment or guilt. People not showing up to initial first dates and meet-ups is extremely common in BDSM dating, so don't feel like it's a reflection on you if it happens. Often, it's a reflection on the person's current place in life and how kink fits into it.

You May Meet-Up in a Kinky Space

If your BDSM dater is active in the kink world, they may ask to meet up in a kink-friendly space. This has a few benefits:
It can lead to play ASAP. If you both meet up at a play party, the fact that others are there to step-in if anything gets dangerous can reduce some of the concerns about playing with a stranger.
It can give them something to do. People often don't show up to dates. If someone is already at an event they wanted to attend anyway, they have something to do when their date doesn't show up.
It can provide further vetting. If a known dangerous player shows up to a BDSM event, anyone familiar with the player is able to warn the date-ee about the potential risks there. This is, of course, assuming that the dangerous player would even be willing to go into a hostile space in the first place. This provides a social layer of protection.
If you're lucky enough to live in an area that has openly-kinky spaces like a sex-positive cafe or library, your date may request to meet up there as well. A kink-friendly space can let you both converse and negotiate without accidentally offending someone who might overhear.

BDSM Dating is Also the Same

While BDSM dating is different than vanilla dating, it's also important to note where it's exactly the same. No matter what sphere you're dating in, people like to be regarded as human beings with preferences, thoughts, likes, and dislikes.

Just like you wouldn't get too far in vanilla dating with introductory messages of "you wanna fuck baby?", you won't get very far in BDSM dating if you try the same thing.

Even if someone's eventual end goal is a BDSM dynamic or scene, most people like to be approached as people first, sex objects second. Kink activities require trust, and it's important to be compatible as people, first, if you want to reach a point where you can build trust with one another.

I caution against BDSM dating if your sole intent is seeing a sex-forward space and assuming it'll be a fast way to get sexual hooks-up. If anything, as mentioned above, casual sex can require more back-and-forth before hooking up in BDSM dating.

Instead, it can be easier to think of BDSM dating as "dating on hard mode". Not only do you need to have compatible personalities, but you also need to have compatible kinks and sexual interests. This can make dating harder, for sure, but it can also mean that, in the end, you'll have a partner you're compatible with both inside and outside of the bedroom.

To help make that even easier, THE CAGE now offers a "Seeking" feature on all of their profiles. This is a space on your profile to outline what you're looking for if you're actively dating kinky right now.

When you want to search for a partner, THE CAGE's new "Find Friends" feature allows you to browse by age, location, orientation, or other parameters to help find other people who are actively seeking partners as well. It can make BDSM dating just a little bit easier!

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (http://kinky-world.net/).