Pleasure Bound: Brief Encounters & One Night Stands
One night stands are already tricky territory. You're expected to meet up with a stranger and put yourself in a vulnerable position for the potential reward of a great night of sex. Add-in the risk factors of BDSM, and the complications of one night stands go up dramatically. Now you aren't just talking about meeting up for oral sex or intercourse; you could be talking about hundreds of different activities - each with their own risk profiles. Unlike a sexual one night stand where you can both assume that you're meeting up to do some version of hand/mouth/genital things until orgasm, BDSM complicates things. Your idea of BDSM might include never removing a lick of clothing, and someone else might be looking to be pegged while covered in slime.
BDSM dating for a kinky one night stand is very different than dating for a sexual one night stand. Luckily, we can make it a bit safer (and more enjoyable!) with a few tips:
Meet in Public First
While I recommend meeting any potential intimate partner in public before you head into a private space for play, it's especially important for kinky one night stands. Not only do you and your partner need some time to build some base trust to make the kink play enjoyable, but it also gives you time to spot any red flags.
As a bonus, it also gives you some time to flirt and get turned on as you discuss and negotiate what the two of you are going to do.
Plus, especially if you met someone online (like with the Seeking function here on The Cage), you can make sure your compatibility extends to real life. Sometimes, we can find that that face-to-face interaction just doesn't hit that same spark as the online interaction did.
Limit Intoxicants
Indulging in a substance before a one night stand is a tale as old as time. After all, your "classic" casual sex hook-up takes place one evening at the bar when you've met someone who caught your eye.
If you're planning on a kinky one night stand, though, I'd avoid the intoxicants as best as possible. Even disregarding that consent requires a clear head, a fuzzier brain may make it difficult to see any safety concerns from your new-to-you partner. Kink play can be risky. Even someone who has no intention to hurt you might be simply unaware that the tie they're doing is dangerous.
Limiting intoxication can make for clearer communication and a clearer head to catch any potential problems before they begin. A "belligerent drunk" is also a stereotype for a reason, and you don't want to wait to find out what type of drunk your play partner is until they've already tied you up.
If you want to play with intoxicants down the line, you might consider repeat performances with this partner.
Get Their Information and Tell a Trusted Friend
You both will likely be cautious about sharing too much private information. In a world where an interest in BDSM can ruin your life, sharing a lot of private info with a complete stranger can be dangerous.
That being said, in case something goes wrong, you need to have some basic information about the person. In the kink world, you're unlikely to have their driver's license name, but you should expect to have their first name, their screenname, and maybe even a photo. Any other personal information they voluntarily disclose (like their favorite hang-out spot or what they majored in at university) can also be helpful.
When you'll be meeting up with this person, make sure to tell a trusted friend all of this information. Your trusted friend should know where you're going, when you're going, and all of the personal information you have about this person including a screenname and any photos of the person.
If you don't have a friend you'd trust with info about your kink life, write this information down in your home with printed photos or a link to where anyone can find digital versions of the photos - just in case.
Be Upfront about Your Kinks
If you only have a single night to have a good time, you don't want to spend that night doing kinks and activities you're not even into. While there's a level of compromise involved in every scene, the majority of the just-for-one-night scene should involve something that you're really into doing.
This means you'll need to be upfront about what kinks you're into and what kinks won't really do anything for you.
This also means that you may need to pass on some potential partners. Even if you both find each otherattractive, if your kinks don't match up, your single night of BDSM may not be very fulfilling. If they're really into feet and you're just trying to get some watersports in, neither one of you will probably come away from that encounter feeling satisfied.
Now, you can always just pivot to sex-only play if you want to! There's no rule stating all of your BDSM Dating attempts have to turn into kinky encounters.
Consider Getting a Hotel Room
Meeting up at someone's home is definitely the cheapest option, but it comes with a few risks:- Until you move, this person will have your address - or you'll have theirs.
- You have personal items lying around. Unless you take the time to gather and lock up all of your bills or pictures, there are a lot of personal items lying around if someone wants to get your information.
- There's minimal people around to hear you in case of an emergency.
- No one will check on you tomorrow when coming to clean your house.
You can mitigate most of these risks by simply getting a hotel room. Not only does it add to the sexual thrill, but it also is a neutral location with minimal personal information in the room. Plus, the hotel lobby is a built-in public meet-up spot!
In case of absolute emergency, screaming is more likely to be heard, and if you're left tied up for any reason, housekeeping will find you tomorrow when they come to clean the room.
Use Protection
Just like we use protection for intercourse, you'll want to use protection for any kink activities too. For kink, that may look like disposable gloves, disposable chucks, or disposable sex toys. It may also look like using impact play toys or other toys on-top of clothing instead of against bare skin. It may also include your standard safer sex barriers like condoms or dental dams.
Bring Your Own Toys
Especially if you're a Bottom, it can be tempting to let the Top bring all of the necessary gear. I get it: it means you get to experience all sorts of new gear without actually having to spend any money. That sounds great to me too!
Unfortunately, especially for a one-night adventure, you simply can't trust the other person to have brought clean, safe gear. It may have been used on someone else last night - and they may not have cleaned it.
Even if they do clean things with the best of intentions, a lot of kink gear is made from fabrics that can be difficult or (literally) impossible to sanitize between partners. This means you may be exposed to someone else's semen, vaginal fluids, or blood - and that's a potential risk for you.
You also don't know the age or safety of their gear. That rope kit they want to use to suspend you may be 3 years old and starting to fray. “Eyeballing it” doesn't always lead to a 100% success rate.
I recommend every person bring their own gear that they want used on them. Not only does this eliminate any issues with preferences or sizes (if you bring a dildo you already love to use on yourself, you don't have to worry that their gear will be too small or too big!), but it also provides another layer of protection.
Ensure You Have a Safe Word - And Avoid Play that Needs It
You should always have a safe word during any kinky encounter, but it's especially important for a kinky one night stand.
This becomes even more vital because it's a litmus test. If your play partner balks at the idea of discussing safe words, you already know they're going to be dangerous to play with.
In general, I'd recommend avoiding any type of play that would even require a safe word, though. Clear, open communication is key for kink, and if you don't know one another, I'd avoid any type of play where communication may get fuzzy and require a safe word in the first place.
Ideally, the word "Stop" should be a clear indicator that you want to stop if you're playing with a stranger.
Leave Bondage and Gags Off the Table
If you're unfamiliar with someone, you want to be able to move AND communicate easily. Bondage and mouth gags make that difficult or impossible.
Leave that type of play off the table for BDSM dating for a one night stand. Not only is it harder to escape in an emergency, but it leaves you unable to communicate any problems or needs. A stranger will have no experience reading your body language (or even knowing your preferences!), so open communication is vital.
Go Into It With Care
You can have a great time BDSM dating for a one night stand, but it requires some forethought and risk management to reduce some of the potential pitfalls. Sexy, kinky play with a new person can feel downright intoxicating, but it also has a few risks - and we want to eliminate those dangers as best as possible.
These tips should help you mitigate those risks. Now use that same cautious approach regarding anything else in your one night stand, and you'll be in the right mindset to reduce potential problems!
Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (http://kinky-world.net/).