D/s Relationship

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The others have summed it up nicely, all I can really add is the following. Regarding alternate forms of communication, you are free to choose whatever form you are comfortable with. If you don't like Kik, well enough said. Want to keep your comms here, also enough said. Don't ever let someone pressure you into doing what they want. For you'll soon find that once someone realizes you are "willing" to do what they want/command, that they will use that to their advantage and to your detriment. Treat your choice of comm methods the same as you would a limit, don't like it, don't do it. I am sorry you had a rough day, don't get discouraged, a better day is always just a breath away!

Thank you!

For what it’s worth, I wholeheartedly concur. My personal view is that I give respect first, and treat others as people deserving said respect. However, I feel I must earn the respect of others by treating them accordingly. If some asshat Dom or sub demands anything, what they deserve is a boot to the ass. I’ll add a caveat, I will give respect to others until it’s time to not give respect...then I get vicious and mean. I think true Dom’s will never demand anything of a “potential” submissive, a relationship must be established.

With that wannabe bozo, use your BLOCK button and move on....His problem, not yours. Every other posting Dom here is spot on.

@ BrunettePrincess,

“If you believe that you are supposed to be granted respect by a dom right off the bat you are sadly mistaken. Respect is something that is earned not just given away freely. Please educate yourself before jumping on an adult website having an attitude you know nothing about”

“Am I wrong for wanting to be treated with respect ? Am I wrong for not giving a dom (who I don’t even know) no respect?”

Interesting question. I understand you’ve addressed this to “experienced Doms,” so I hope you don’t find offence to me chiming in...

I think your answer lays in whether you believe you deserve respect straight off the bat or believe a Dom should earn your respect.

I see respect as a two way street... we both need to earn each other’s respect.

Doesn’t it seem a little unfair that you can demand his respect straight away, and yet he can’t demand yours?

That’s a pretty conflicting message to be sending out.

My advice would be that if you believe that respect has to be earned, put yourself in that category as well, and put in the effort required to earn it.

Or...

If you believe that everyone deserves at least some minuscule amount of at least a social level of respect, then perhaps show others that courtesy

Being respectful doesn’t mean you have to get some app or do what someone tells you to do... it simply means being courteous. No harm in that is there?

Ugh my apologies, I just want to clarify... I do both... giving everyone at least some minuscule amount of social level of respect (courtesy) straight off the bat... everyone... not just Dom/mes. Then from there, behaviour determines whether that increases or decreases.

Anyway, a different perspective... hope it helps.

I am respectful to everyone but I don’t follow orders being barked at me ya know

OP

This conversation has taken an interesting tack: one of respect, what the baseline is and when its due. I have watched the conversation develop and I believe I am about to give birth to a comment...

Before I get to that. I think we can all agree that the Dom described does sound quite ham-fisted (fingers crossed that phrase translates into american english). I don't detect any reason to think he is dangerous. Impatient, yes, insensitive, yes, a bit of an arse, yes. It seems to me that this chap is more likely trying to establish dominance early in the interaction and that speaks to me of inexperience rather than danger. I myself was once inexperienced once and said things I thought I was supposed to say. Some of them were clumsy and some were insensitive and I wish I could take them back. Similarly, I have interacted with women on here that were equally insensitive and clumsy, equally saying things they thought they were supposed to say. Either way, we can all agree that this particular interaction has not been too good for you. My advice is block and move on. I think the trick is not to take these things personally. Sometimes things are said, an interaction gets out of kilter and everything heads south. If he had been more experienced or 'better' he would have read the situation differently and calibrated his responses. The last response from him is obviously his way of throwing his toys out of the pram - its tempting to say that a real Dom would never do that, but I have met a few undeniably Dom arses that would do that.

This comment is not specifically about this particular arse (who was insensitive to the OP) but rather at our response to it.... There is a real tendency here on the Cage that the moment someone puts a foot wrong we denounce them as fake, dims, predators and not real Doms. To be sure, there are definitely people who enter our world with the express intent of gathering up naive subs for their own sexual gratification. They pass through here with their feet barely touching the ground and soon realise that its hard work to maintain a D/s relationship that supplies all their needs. But we need to be careful that we don't slip into a binary world view where anyone who says something mean is a fake and real Doms would never be insensitive. People make mistakes, people say things wrong, some pairs of people just don't jive well. Similarly there are predators that always know how to say the right thing. The only way to know if someone is genuine is to talk to them for a long time - because the fact is that the bad guys are impatient and the longer the conversations go on the harder it is to remember all the lies.

It is so easy to sit here all Domly and denounce all newcomers who make mistakes: because a REAL Dom would never make mistakes, a REAL Dom is always kind, patient, exercises, eats well, irons his crisp white shirts and has a chiseled physique. That is pure fantasy (myself excluded of course): we are human beings. People, please remember it is not the case that there are only A) good wholesome apple-pie clean cut experienced Doms, and B) inexperienced dim-doms who are only after dirty pictures. The truth is life and the kink-world is more complicated than that. To think like that does ourselves an injustice. It is, perhaps, better to think about the world in terms of 1) men with good intentions (whether experienced or not) and 2) men with bad intentions (whether experienced or not) - although that is also on somewhat of a sliding scale!

And to the question of respect. I quite like what Bunnie has said on this as this chimes well with own approach to life (and therefore to D/s interactions). If I meet a stranger they get a baseline of respect. That baseline of respect is just that, a baseline, and is not modified by their station in life. Someone homeless gets the same amount of respect as a server in a coffee shop as a chief executive. I don't take orders from anyone that I have not agreed to take orders from and neither should you. If anyone tries to order me around without me agreeing that, then they lose my respect. If they treat me well (by which i mean, with respect) then the respect level goes up. People who are uncalibrated, blind to peoples feelings and goals, and generally ham-fisted will lose so much of my respect that I will not want to interact with them. So for me, like other parts of this comment, respect is not a 1 or 0 binary thing. It is analogue, variable and subject to updates as the interaction progresses.

OP: you are not wrong to want some level of respect, and you should show that same level of respect to others.

I come across a lot of people on sites like this one who say things like "Am I wrong to want respect / kindness / consideration" and so on. I all ways say the same thing: Look after your self. In this instance yes I think that you are clearly entitled to be treated with more respect, but in any case you do not have to ask anyones permission. If you want respect, keep looking until you get it.

I would report and block this guy. I normally regard Bunny as a fountain of sense and knowledge, however this man was clearly an arse hole and sometimes you have tell someone when they are being A holes. Hope that helps and I hope you feel better. You might get a lot of AHs on sites like this one and it is really not worth getting in a state about them.