A letter to female submissives (especially newer) from a fellow newer submissive...

YaGottaBeKittenMe​(sub female){Daddy} • Apr 16, 2020

Posting here with mine. Although i did speak with the person you're referencing, i was hit by a different one. I was collared at the time, and I'm pretty sure that's why he approached me. I was a starry eyed newbie, and he said all the nice words, had a cute pic. The red flags were there, but i stayed color blind to them over the next two weeks. Things IRL shifted, and i removed my collar (it's for the best, I'm happier now). As soon as that happened, he vanished like fog in the sun. I was no longer someone to be stolen and conquered, so I was useless to him. It hurt, but i hadn't fallen too far down, past experience made me a bit leery of going to far too fast, but I could feel it coming had things continued. So I got singed, but am stronger and wiser for it. I now have someone who may collar me in the future, and he is the true definition of Dom. They're out there, we just gotta dig through the slime and sleaze to find the gems.

savage grace​(sub female){I am his} • Apr 17, 2020

Well ladies, it happened. I told him I knew and that we should stop ect ect. Needless to say, I am immature and pretty much suck... no sir immature would have been to ghost . (Like I really wanted to do, but I am better than that)

To be honest it sort of feels hopeless. I waited so long for this, not giving up now.

Alphasubpanda​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2020

This is soooo true. It happened to be before but I ended it real quick.

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Apr 19, 2020

Excellent! Unfortunately, even when there is a red flag, it is typically too late once it shows up. If only we had a crystal ball, right? Yes, we need to heed red flags immediately when they arise. The next biggie is learn from every experience. Not everyone is the same and the next dom shouldn't have to pay for the one before him; however, if their circumstances are similar, don't allow history to repeat itself.

Thank you for taking the time to write your post. Very important.

missmic​(sub female) • Apr 19, 2020

Really well written and a good heads up for us newbies..... I think a lot of things in life are a case of ‘if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t’

CrazyCoco • Apr 21, 2020

Really good post! I enjoyed it all the way. I feel that d/s relationships do not escape childhood condition patterns that we are still playing out. And most of those patterns come down to "feeling safe". Because women tend to allow feelings more than men, they can quickly heal their childhood traumas faster than average men over long periods of time.

Generally speaking, the toxic dynamic examples you gave are rooted in the Dom's insecurities. And as fas as the sub goes, her poor boundaries will allow the described dynamics. In conclusion, Doms should start doing the inner work and subs start practicing boundaries!

CC

CheekiCheshire​(sub female){Collared} • Apr 21, 2020

I am fairly new to D/s. but I am not new to relationships in general. That for me has been the key. Relationship = Relationship be it vanilla, PE, kink, poly, MF, FF, whatever. When I was young I had my own list of relationship rules to follow. When I didn't follow them, it always turned out poorly for me.

One of the things I have been doing in this new chapter of my life is creating my new list of basic minimum requirements. I wrote this over on Fet, but wanted to share it in case someone else might find it helpful -
______

Just as scene negotiating is most effective when done before the endorphins get involved, this list is intended to remind me of what is important when I am being seduced by that wonderful romantic dance we call power exchange. There is nothing quite as magical as the D/ weaving the spell of authority and capturing the submission of the /s .

People generally hold these lists in their heads, but I wanted to put mine down on paper (so to speak) to help remind myself of the basics. It also gives me something to refer to when I am wrapped so tight in the spell of authority that I can't think, only feel. So much of the dance between a Top and bottom cannot be reduced to items on a list, or at least not by me. But these are some basics that I know are deeply important to me. Some may be considered common sense, but it helps me to write them out anyway.

My personal Minimum D/type Requirements. (MDR)

1) Your intrinsic authority compels my inner submissive and demands her surrender

2) You are available to take me on as a hands-on project, which means...
2a. No online-only relationships
2b. No long-distance only relationships

3) You must have the time, energy, and space to add me to your life (this works both ways)
3.a You understand that living together is off the table for the foreseeable future.

4) You must respect that my family and work will always be my first priority. Always.

5) Our dynamic must not exclude The Community
5.a I will be free to continue participating: at a minimum in one munch (weekly), and two learning events monthly.
5.b You are open to participating, at a minimum in special events, and hopefully more

6) We are both ethically free to enter into this relationship. Cheating violates the fundamental principles of BDSM and is at its core a consent violation.

7) Nothing less than Fuck Yeah! enthusiasm on both of our parts. I will NOT be anyone's Plan B or afterthought...and you shouldn't settle for that either.

____


And yes, there is a lesson that was learned behind each of these items. At least I won't be repeating my mistakes, but I am sure I will go on to make entirely new and creative ones.

meeshymeesh​(sub female){DGlazer} • Apr 21, 2020

Very helpful advice here. There’s a lot of filtering going on in our heads when choosing someone suitable for our lives. Then you have to keep an eye out for the fakers and actors who simply pretend to have an ideal personality. I definitely have to write tips like these down because I feel like I’d be overloading myself to keep in mind all 14,762 rules. Much thanks CheekiCheshire!

notavanilla • Apr 21, 2020

I tend to believe that this was a online dom.. If so then why didn't you meet him someway, somehow? if you don't then you are just dealing with a cyber-being. That is something that is easily fabricated. When you see, feel, touch and be touched by that dom it makes a difference. There is nothing that can substitute for actual physical contact.
I am a male but I submit because I am a switch. I dom too so I know both. I am a real body and with it a real desire to see, feel, touch and be touched. To me it makes a difference. I may have to deal with a LTR that is distant but I make an effort to get to that person at some point without a long delay. Otherwise I handcuff myself and the woman too. She is not free to pursue a better relationship for her if she is stuck believing in me. Same for me.
Is online relationship worth anything? Sometimes because it can lead to something but just as often or more it doesn't. To me anything that leads to a dead end is just that, a dead end and a waste of time.
I endlessly post to have a switch relationship with a mature woman. I don't want a 24/7 relationship but one of equality and to switch fairly without or with little power dynamics and more of the pain/pleasure dynamic using BDSM to stimulate and make the body alive and achieve deeper, more satisfying and gratifying sex. I want a strong woman and want to build her up because what good is it to be bonded to a weak mate. You train and work together and develop a strong bond together and this makes taking on life and its challenges in a strong, unified way using the strength of both to overcome.
I am older but not out of it physically or mentally but I cannot get a response from a older mature woman. It seems that they don't want this. They too often try these online doms and the like. Maybe they think that TV is better but I don't see them trying to work it out by engaging in dialogue with someone that presented this as clearly and fairly as I do and did.
Should I rant against women because this did not work out for me? No, because I respect their choices. They have to live their lives. I however can't help but wonder when I read these posts over and over.
Many of you claim to want what I have offered but ...

notavanilla

LucyBall • Apr 23, 2020

So sorry to here about this guy.
I won't even give him the respect of calling him a Dom.

I remember about a year or so ago reading a blog about this very person.
He got busted and deleted his profile and opened a new one...yes Nashville...yes alpha male...lol, he's probably submissive to his wife.
He loves to use the word "darling"
I remember reading all of this...and low and behold, who makes the rounds to new subs... Yes, him.

I can't remember the subs who wrote about him, but thankful I read it before he started his game when I arrived.

I wish all the beautiful submissives he hurt all the best.
It's an absolute shame what these wanna be Doms do new subs.

I recommend reaching out to Doms that may be of service in a mentor way.
Even a Dominant that already has a submissive...NOT to try to steal them, but most of these Doms are here to help and because of the fact that they are not currently looking... "cruising"...they are usually very helpful.

A note, possibly obvious to many...most Dominants worth anything aren't here to sweep you off of your feet...(though that can be the case for most of us submissives).

They take their time.

Let me say this again...

THEY TAKE THEIR TIME, lol.

Sometimes it's painfully slow for a submissive, but they are in control of themselves...not looking to get a quickie.

Most actually wait for the submissive to approach them and if they feel its a match, then they agree to the dynamic.

***it can be an a bruise to the ego when they don't pick you or worst case, don't have the courtesy to respond, but you should trust that they know best...i know, hard for a submissive☺

It can be a man or woman you never thought you would be attracted to physically...yes attraction is important, but the dynamic is SO much more.

And let's not forget ALL the great subs here!!! You know who they are, just read their blogs❤

That's my two cents.

Be safe and take all the time you neex