Teaching new subs how to serve

Teaching new subs how to serve

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Dec 21, 2019

I am an older Gay Dom 67 who is shaking his head at the attitude of some newbies to kink play as submissives. They have this idea that submitting will mean they get "taken" care of and have no cares in the world. Submission is work guys. Hard ongoing work. Your job is to look after the Doms, not be pampered little creatures who can top from the bottom. The last two applicants I had ( but not for long ) wanted to direct the scene focusing on their fantasies and sexual pleasure. W R O N G! Their focus was on themselves not me. Needless to say when I tried to explain the difference they didn't want to hear it. So they were invited back out into the world. I am NOT nor never will be a sugar daddy, let's be clear. If I assign chores they had better be done where, when and how I ordered. My job as a Dom is to provide a safe space for the sub to explore giving control to another to preset limits.
Do your homework, there are lots of great books out there that explain the reality of Dom/sub relations. Ask me if you would like suggested titles. I am a former public speaker/educator on Sex and Sexuality including kink. Open communication is key here. If you are creating an ad then don't just say that anyone can do whatever they want to you. There are crazies out there who will cut off your cock and balls without your permission. Seriously. Be honest about what you are seeking and explain if you have any experience or not. Boundaries are important to prevent abuse. Think on that.
Put more then two or three lines in your ad explaining what your interests are and which ones are a No go. If in doubt say so.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 22, 2019

APPLAUSE!!!

Erick​(sub male) • Dec 22, 2019

Submission means service, and it means love for our dom, who allows us the privilege of serving, and teaches us how to be better servants.

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Dec 22, 2019

Thanks to both of you

Teaching new subs how to serve

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Jan 8, 2020

Thanks to all who read this post and some even commented. I have a blog here as well - Reality of being a sub. Feel free to check out the posts.

UndiefetishDaddy​(dom male) • Jan 8, 2020

I will be sending any applicant I bother to investigate here. While I make it quite clear, myself, what is to be expected in the relationship dynamic, I feel your post is an excellent reinforcement.
Thank you for posting.

SubAtomic • Jan 8, 2020

What Master Bear said ~

Re: Teaching new subs how to serve

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 27, 2020

i tried clicking on Your profile... seems You are gone from this site? But since gay topics seem to be in short supply on this site, i'll respond anyway.

To me, many, if not most of the issues you describe here are related to immaturity vs being a Dom or sub issue. i'm a gay sub/bottom and i frequently encounter similar expectations with guys who approach me.

Anyone looking for a 'sugar daddy,' etc., is essentially looking for money in one form or another. i don's see this as a Dom or sub thing as much as it's an immaturity thing? I.e., there are guys on both sides of the D/s dynamic who are looking to be "taken care of." How many times have we all read things from a 'dom' like: "I'm selfish" and "it's all about Me?" There's even a (questionable) kink named after it: FinDom. It seems to me that there are people looking to financially exploit on either side though, and i think it has little to do with being Dom or sub.

As an aside, "serving" seems to be more in a category of Master/slave than Dom/sub, though i understand this is complex and the two can overlap in some. But i don't think sub=slave or Dom=master in all cases, that there are infinite individual distinctions that make us all, ultimately, unique. Thus the need for thorough discovery and mutual vetting (and profiles with something in them.... please?).

You note: "Submission is hard work guys." i would submit (sorry, can't help being sub), that relationship is "hard work," whether one's nature is more Dom or sub on the spectrum? And, i do see D/s on a spectrum vs an absolute, one size fits all definition of either side. i think the variances are what make this confusing to some when their expectations of what should be run head on into the reality of what is. It's funny how we all seem born with a tendency to assume our proclivities are (or 'should be' lol) the world standard (hello ego/ethnocentricity). Nothing like a relationship to blow that out of the water. And that's a good thing, no? To live the state of reality instead the state of illusion?

"Open communication is key here." i couldn't agree more. i'd prolly even remove the qualifier "here" and posit "open communication is key." i think it's one of the hardest parts of relationship, and yet relationship is an environ and opportunity that provides for deeper self discovery, a lot of which can come from seeing ourselves through another's eyes. It's a complex course, fraught with obstacles, twists and turns, but can also be an amazing and beautiful journey.

i believe "open" needs to be balanced and two way for there to be a 'relationship' of any substance. i have seen both sides of the D/s dynamic try to avoid having to be open by hiding behind ones label. I.e., both find a way to place the expectation of figuring out who they are on the other. i believe the reason so many relationships fail is because we don't communicate. i think a lot of people don't know how to communicate and those who do often fall into laziness because communication requires paying attention, listening and looking... all the fucking time lol. Fuck, it is hard work. The "lazy" part happens when we only go by what we have 'heard' or 'seen' in the past, we relate to the picture we have formed of the person rather than seeing and hearing the person in front of us. Communication is a movie vs a picture? i think that life is not static and that we have to move with it to qualify for being alive.

i believe the "safe place" is a mutual responsibility in any relationship, not just the purview of the Dom. my belief is unless each feels (is) safe to be open about who they are with the other, there will be little to no relationship. i see D/s as symbiotic.

And oy, lol, the people who say "that anyone can do whatever they want to [them]," or some close proximity to that. This is probably someone who hasn't cum in awhile and is so hopped up on hormones that "anything" becomes a possibility. This person is thinking with their sex organs, not their frontal lobe, eh?

muñequittta​(sub female) • Apr 28, 2020

NEVER depend on anyone when it comes to money. So many bad things can happen. On the other hand I’m glad you KNOW to not let others take advantage of you like that. IMO if you can’t support yourself then you’re a child.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2020

I'm sure anyone here of some experience can totally agree with this post and warn all newbs to STAY AWAY FROM FETLIFE. Of course anyone that enjoy being used and abused and mocked is fair to do as they please.

From that other bs site and collarspace I've had the inconvenience of coming across too many 'slaves' willing to relocate to my home by my expense, so thay may serve me in which ever waybi deem and while they dont work or provide any income for my house. It's essentially, as I've seen, that most subs like this that dont get what they want end up becoming ubber condoms. Honestlybive watched that happen so often. Follow their profiles and in a years time, if not less, you get to watch them change from princess brat sub to ubber fandom lol