Problems with the Personals

Problems with the Personals

Drennon​(dom male) • Dec 16, 2017

Ok this isn't necessarily a problem but has anyone actually looked at the numbers for the personal ads? Why is it that men post so much more then women? Is it that we are just more willing to broadcast what we are looking for or even that we are looking? I try to check the personals on a regular basis because I figured if they are willing to take the time to post then hopefully that means they are actually looking. I have one up myself, that I have change a few different times, but have not really gotten any bites. By that I mean 3 or 4 total. But back to the point at hand.

Aside from the Kinky Dating Ads at 443 post, at the time of me writing this, the category with the most is Dominant Men Seeking Submissive Women at 303. The next highest is Submissive Men Seeking Dominant Women at 271 posts. This is the total opposite of the other one but still men posting. The next is a little over half that at Submissive Women Seeking Dominant Men at 142. I am just trying to get a better understanding of not as many women post? Are there just not as many women looking? Are there that many more men then women on this site out of almost 12k members?

Personally I would like more women to post so that I can try to find someone that fits what I am looking for. It would also help to know who is actually looking. So let me hear it ladies. Got any ideas? Any particular reason for not posting a personal ad? I would really appreciate the feedback back. Thanks.

Cinder​(switch female) • Dec 16, 2017

I'm not currently looking but if I were I would not advertise. Not for lack of caring, but because of all the creeps that already message me. I've also read a lot of complaints from the other women on this site about the kind of disrespectful messages and treatment they get. It seems to me an advertisement would likely cause a significant increase in messages from people who just want to waste my time. I'm sure there are lots of genuine people on this site, but I've not personally had the privilege to engage with them. Unfortunately I think a few bad eggs make things harder than they need to be. I'm sure there are a diverse set of thoughts on this topic and it will be interesting to see how other people feel.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Dec 16, 2017

A few thoughts on the subject:

Focusing on numbers:

This is already a losing game. You are a sample size of one looking for an audience of one. Sheer numbers shouldn't deter you. Your focus should be on making your presence and communications here stand out from the crowd. The size of that crowd doesn't matter. You do.

Me not getting replies/Women getting from creeps:

Welcome to online dating. These are the top two complaints across all online dating sites. Human nature. It's a bit like talking about running marathons and complaining that your feet hurt and you're dehydrated. If you didn't anticipate and plan for these things, and/or you have trouble dealing with them, you're not going to do well at a marathon. Stay the course, run your race, and deal with it.

The quality of personal ads:

I'm just going to say it. They're shit. Absolute shit on both sides. There isn't one ad that really catches my eye on the Fsub4MDom, and nothing in MDom4Fsub that I would recommend to any of my female sub friends. They are filled with spelling mistakes, misconceptions and red flags. D/s requires attention to detail and effective communication to work. If you can't showcase your strengths there in a personal ad, why would anyone want to engage with you?

Single-minded focus on finding a Dom/sub:

If you're new here or to BDSM, or even someone experienced, learning and socializing should be the focus. I've heard this site described as a giant online munch several times, and that's a good analogy for this. The focus at a munch isn't on trying to pick up/pull/date. That shouldn't even be in the picture for most.

From your own profile, Drennon: "I joined this site to find a sub BUT (emphasis mine) I am always will to make new friends as well." Do you see the red flag there? I'm guessing not, so let me fill you in. You need to make friends BEFORE you will EVER find a sub. It's part of the process of meeting someone new, and SUPERSEDES the need to find a sub. You state it as a secondary goal; something you might settle for.... I guess... if you had to. Wrong approach. Subs are reading that and thinking, "This guy just wants to get laid and has no interest in getting to know me as a person."

Look at the top of the front page of the site; there are 8 or 9 headings there, and the personals are just one of them. If you aren't or can't engage folks in most of those areas, then you're focusing too much on dating and not enough on exploring the community. Get out there. Read, write, engage with others. You'll meet more potential matches that way, and learn and have fun instead of tapping your fingers waiting bored and alone for someone to respond to an ad.

Honesty/It's not a contest:

This is another big problem. This site was intended to be friendly and open to new users. There is absolutely no upside to exaggerating or misstating your experiences or familiarity with BDSM and the lifestyle. If someone claims to have 5+ years of experience, but can't spell 'dominant' or use it correctly, has something stupid like "Limits: none" in their profile, or mis-uses terms like master, trainer, and mentor that have real and specific meanings in the community, these are red flags that will get them ignored by anyone serious. New is fine, and ever prefered by some, BUT it should be able to demonstrate honesty and a genuine curiosity to learn new things. While we're on the subject:

People need to stop gaming the BSDM.org test. It's an inaccurate POS of a test that should only be used to get a rough idea of where you're at in the moment you last took the test. No one is impressed that you retook it and fudged your answers until you got 100% in all the categories you think you like. It screams insecure and fake. STOP.

Also, if you can't write about what you do or might like, or describe it in any detail in the BDSM section of your profile, then you're not ready to date. Sorry. Learn more and try again later. Same goes for limits. If you sound stupid there (none, haven't found them, my master will tell me, I will tell you) then that's a red flag. You're a liability, not a potential partner. It means someone will have to take time and effort to teach you before you get to the point where you might be a potential partner. Some folks just want to go for a drive, and not have to fix or build the car from the ground up beforehand.

A few helpful links:

Evergrey on new users(sarcastic, but a good read): https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=1716&blog_id=12897

V Dominatus on being new(a must read IMO): https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=1936&blog_id=12297

Have fun, get out there and engage. Write blogs, respond to more forum posts. Pop in chat, say hi. Ask questions. Learn. Have fun. You WILL meet someone genuine who you're interested in that way eventually. Guarantee it.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 17, 2017

Awh, thank you, Fud!

To be honest, I posted a personal ad and got zero responses. I don't think that anyone who has messaged me here with the desire to play actually read my profile or my ad. There are quality people out there who give a shit and will read, but they're not all that common, it seems. Of course, I'm guessing some people have read my profile or my ad and realized that I'm only interested in local folks, so that's really cut down on who might reply. This site is still small, and if one is not looking for online play, one's chances of finding a compatible mate are a lot more slim.

So, also consider that it's a relatively small pool of people still, and the more specific your requirements, the less people you are going to find who meet them.

I've looked through a chunk of the "dominant male for submissive female" ads and most of them are online, not anywhere near local, or full of red flags for me.

Personals are a long shot anyway, really. I've had a couple relationships over the years that started with answering an online ad, but they have never gone as well as meeting someone in the community in person and naturally getting to know them. Interest sparks from there, or, if there's initial attraction, it grows or dies as I get to know the person better.

Still, I've seen success stories, so don't get too discouraged!

Drennon​(dom male) • Dec 17, 2017

Thank you all for replying. I did not mean for this to be about me and not getting any messages. That is my fault for coming across that way. Although I do appreciate the pointers Fudbar. Thank you. I was more just curious as to why not very many women posted ads and Xorra really helped with that. I did not think about it as a way to just create more spam in your box from all the creeps. I will continue to work on my profile and try to get more involved in the community to make friends that way.

K y i v • Dec 17, 2017

Men are thirsty---women are not. It is that simple.

SouthernFire​(sub female) • Dec 17, 2017

From past experience of posting on other locations, it is the thirsty responses that keeps my from posting an ad. I put some info on my profile but honestly I know no one that has contacted as truly read my profile. I am at the point where if I met someone good, if not oh well. It has become a head ache to deal with some of the message I have received.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Dec 17, 2017

Excellent thread. Perhaps the owners/designers/moderators of this site will begin including a "Report User" button, so our valued female members won't feel the need to hide out and hope the creeps don't bother them. If the lowlifes get booted off, things would be better all around.

Better to lose a thousand troll members and have a vibrant and enthusiastic membership, than to continue the status quo as the women report it...

SouthernFire​(sub female) • Dec 17, 2017

I believe there is a report user button

CapnRick​(dom male) • Dec 17, 2017

Damn, Fire--you are right --hiding down in the corner is a Report User Button.... So the question becomes-- does the site actually do anything when it gets pushed?

Anyone in management following this?