Becoming a Dominant on purpose

Becoming a Dominant on purpose

TheEdge​(other male) • Oct 17, 2017

Ok so let me let you all in my situation a little bit. Me and my girlfriend are both submissives. With that comes a lot of collisions. But we still want to be with each other at the same time our bdsm needs are being left unsatisfied.
So we decided to kind of start switching. One week I’ll get to be the Dominant and the next week she gets to be the Dominant. Now being a sub as long as I have comes naturally for me and much easier. Being a Dom on the other hand has been nothing but experimenting in the past till I realized that,that wasn’t me .
Now I find it very hard to start learning about being a Dom.
I’m very dominant in day to day life specially at my job and I was thinking maybe I could take the same concept and apply it to my relationship.
Sometimes I look at it this way. Even if I Dom her it’s what she wants and enjoy therefore I’ll be doing what she wants and I find submission in that.
But I know I’m gonna need help. If you have any advice and thoughts please share. How can I get better and good at Dominating her? I want to start everything the right way. Where and how do I start going on about it ?
All comments are welcomed.

j84​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2017

Even though its been a month, I'd like to offer something here.

I think you're vicariously touching upon the concept of the servant-leadership. Wikipedia has a fairly good article with references: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Servant_leadership. I hope that doesn't muddy the waters further for you. I think its very likely that you could pick one of books mentioned in the article and come to a better understanding (even though they are largely focused on business leadership), but I'm getting ahead of myself.

It isn't possible for you to dominate her without knowing what she enjoys and desires from her submission. Important questions would illuminate how domestic service , sexual service, and dominant behaviors on your part fit into how she constructs submission in her mind.

Perhaps it would be easier for you to consider a single category in isolation. Alternatively, I wonder if you could not architect a sort of power bottom scenario. There are many nuanced variations possible and it really rests on you and your wife's particular tastes.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 11, 2017

Even if you know and understand what way you need to dom someone it doesn't translate to being good at it. Nonetheless, the more you do it the better you'll get at it. This has actually been something I've had to deal with myself (in reverse order).

Perhaps try to state what "Touch" the sub needs. Rough. Gentle. In which ways to go about that. In the moment and randomly done. The more you experiment the more you'll know. Just make sure you do something somewhere and don't let your fear of not being "good enough" hold you back. If you struggle for ideas try the first thing that pops into mind.

And make sure things happen in your own time (without leaving it too long of course). I like to test somewhat by going "Do this, do that" and see if they actually do what I'm stating or if they can call the shots. It's good "training" if you will. Though that would be something for the sub to do. So might not help you as much.

try not to think in terms of "For me". I view this as an excuse for the most part. There's what you want to do, what you enjoy doing (not always hand in hand), what you're instinctively able to do (This is what most people actually mean when they say "for me"). and what is yet to be done that has yet to be gotten the hang of and gotten comfortable with (in this case being a dom). I used to be a dom myself and am now a sub. I know someone that enjoys being a sub yet has worked at being a dom. Change is always strange and takes getting used too before it becomes a part of you. It's normal. Do not let it scare you off.

There may be alternatives if you don't mind others getting involved. As you said you're at a crossroads. A dom can simply not "Switch" with a sub. For that would make a dom a switch and not a sub. Nor can a sub do that with a dom. Not if the long term effects of D/s are to "settle in". Unless perhaps you go a month of being a dom and then a month of being a sub. But then you face the dilemma of not having one side of the fence seen too. So an alternative could be to have another be a dom or sub to see to the other side of the fence. This "might" give you more ideas when it comes to each other.

Online roleplay might also help. That is /me text. Online "actions" so to speak. With words as well of course. "Taramafor binds X arms behind their back" for example. There's more that can be done in that area due to not being limited by real life (don't have to worry about not having an item on hand for one. Unless that's part of a plot). There's also some online stories that might be found here and there if you search around.

Also the "style" that the sub needs. I lean towards "Cruel and caring" myself. Firm but fair. Harsh when I bring it on myself yet gentle and affectionate at other times. That probably sounds like a lot to take in. Just "roll with the moment" with each thing you do and let things fall into place. And maybe try to "switch" things up between them. While a dom and sub can't exactly "Switch" with each other it is possible to switch from giving a hard tug on a chain to cradling someone in your arms while reassuring them.

And don't be afraid to hurt her I guess. When it comes to punishments I mean. Know where the line is, sure, but don't play it too safe. If anything I'd get put off with a dom being too gentle with me. Obviously this does not include things that risk causing permanent injury. Maybe talk about extreme temporary injury though (Knives and the like). Figure out what you can "Wing it" with (For me that's most things) and what needs talking about more (This includes none BDSM topics too).

And to state the obvious "play safe". What most people neglect to mention when they bring that up though is that certain "dangers" might be needed. That can get technical. There's wanted pain/punishments and then there's what is willing to be taken to balance out the good with some bad in the process of enhancing the whole experience. Just don't chop off a limb and try to keep things balanced out (This goes along the lines of cruel yet caring). Definitely one of those "talk about" topics.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 11, 2017

Oh man.

I am ok at domming, as I was a pro domme in a couple different Houses, but it never sits easily with me.

I had a partner who demanded, after a year and a half, that I domme him. It was incredibly hard for me. Internally, outside of scenes, I felt myself screaming "I don't want to do this! This isn't who I am!"

Ultimately, it lead to me feeling just more stressed out. I did take joy in giving him something he needed, as I dearly loved him, but... never again.

What I do try to do, is do what works for me, but adjust for what they need. I try to approach it as a service to them. That can help, some... but mostly it's acting. I'm not bad at power exchange, really. I can even enjoy that, and some sadistic elements to play, but it just isn't the same as being a domme. It doesn't feel like home in my heart.

I hope that you two can find your joy doing this. After years of it, I did come to love him as my sub, too. I felt responsible for him. I felt that he was mine, in that way, and I loved the bond that we had. So, there's that. It may grow, over a long, long period of time. But do tigers change their stripes when they don't feel called to? Of that, I'm not so sure.

j84​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2017

Would be fascinated to know how your mental model for domming (when professional) worked given your feelings about.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 12, 2017

Pro domming was one part skill, one part acting, and two parts unlicensed therapist, heh.
I tried to come to every session from a place of love. I would tell myself that everyone has something in them worthy of love, and that I was helping them get their needs met.
I do have a sadistic side, and that helped, but I always got stage fright before a session. Usually the scene would gel pretty quickly, though. I'd get myself in that headspace and we would go from there. I think I was pretty good at it- at least I was in the lifestyle and understood it, as well as having learned some skills. A lot of the other ladies at the houses I worked at were young pretty vanilla people who wanted easy money.
They usually got more clients than I did though, because they were young and slender. Heh.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 24, 2017

Pro domming with acting isn't the same as being dom with someone you know and are close too without acting. Just because you might be good at the former doesn't translate to being good at the later. The whole "professional approach" puts me off to be honest. It lacks that "bond".

As for someone demanding it, there's working at trying to become a better dom and then there''s forcing it. In this case another was forcing it for you. Forced things will always feel off.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 24, 2017

I agree, honestly. I knew a lot of people who were pro dommes who were not in the lifestyle at all. Being good at it myself was mostly a learned skill- but being a good dom is also a learned skill. I do feel that sometimes bonds did form, as a pro domme, but it isn't anywhere NEAR the depth of a long-term, D/s relationship grows.
When it's someone's actual passion and desire, it DOES make a difference. Providing a service can give a lot of insight, and again, it can give one skills that CAN translate to private D/s, many of the same skills that someone needs to learn in order to be a good dom in private, but it's different from finding MUTUAL joy.
And yes, absolutely there is a difference between it being demanding, and it being mutually desired.