When is it over for you?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 18, 2020

Feelings and emotions can blind. Logic can change actions to make better feelings.

Bunnie • Jun 18, 2020

Lol... of course you get it. This is exactly what this was for me. I finally realised that that question/answer was no longer a deciding factor for me... having too in the past been a runner. Trying to shift from past patterns makes it very difficult to map new and uncharted territories in a way that still honours ourselves. I have come to realise how “lazy” I have become in simply using past patterns to determine my journey, rather than actively *listening to myself* (which I’m learning, can show up in many different ways... including inaction until emotions have cleared) each and every time.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Jun 18, 2020

Well, well, well. How do you determine the state of being of the Dinosaur without peeking in The Cage?

Heyla, SchrodingersDinosaur. It is a distinct pleasure to see you again.

I am flattered that you took the time to read my fusty old long-winded shenanigans once more. And more so that you took the time to comment.

However, I must confess that I am a bit confused by your response. In particular, as I chose quite deliberately.

Yes, the Cruciatus Curse as depicted by J.K. Rowlings was the application of pain. Excruciating pain.

And over the decades, I have experienced excruciation, however fleeting or lasting, when I felt abandoned by someone who I had relied on. Whatever the reason that they were no longer there. No matter the long term benefits to me as well as them that they left.

My sperm and egg donor did me a wonderful favor when they not only gave me life but gave me up. I reject the term "birth parents" as they were no sort of parent to me. Just as I reject the term "adoptive parents" as my parents were my parents. My loving parents who changed my diapers, bandaged my skinned knees, saw me through physical, emotional, mental, and, yes, sexual trauma.

However, that did not stop the odd moment of feeling that I had been tossed aside like a used condom or used tampon by the children who decided to experiment in the back seat of a car and the plumbing worked as intended at times across the years.

My wife had fought a lifetime of battles against injury and illness. And if she had a choice in dying, then I couldn't blame her for escaping the pain.

However, that did not stop the odd moment of feeling that I had been abandoned by her. Or the excruciating pain.

As for... my entanglements, whether dynamicked, romantic, sexual, or platonic... I am well aware that they each had their own reasons for leaving, save for my third ex-fiance (the only one I ended). And I was already well aware that more than one did so out of a sense of self-preservation. But, thank you for pointing that out.

However, I am puzzled that you think that concept would in some way alleviate the pain that I felt, that a sense of self-preservation led them to need to escape my evil clutches.

***shrug***

Pain is not a choice for living organisms, whatever their ability at rationality. It just is. Exists.

What we do with that pain is a choice. And my choice has been to avoid future pain of being abandoned by someone that has already caused me the excruciating pain of abandoning me. Of exiling me.

Even though by doing so they did me the greatest favor possible by clearing the way for my sweet little spice.

So, yes. I chose rather deliberately when I equated abandonment with the cruciatus. Just as I chose to equate lying with imperious and maliciousness with avada kadavra.

Any road, this thread was about how we know when it's over. When we choose to leave behind a relationship that was not working. And while I can not in good conscience apologize for anything I've said, I do apologize if my usual weak attempt to inject humor into a potentially excruciating subject somehow minimized the principle objective.

And I should probably shut up there as while I enjoy a good semantic debate as much as the next nerd, I would hate to be responsible for further derailing a thread about something as personal as deciding whether a relationship has run its course. And so shall see myself out. Stage left even.

But, before I go... I have nothing but the fondest wishes for you or anyone who might read these words here.

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for only the brightest possible tomorrow.

Re: When is it over for you?

Road Toad • Jun 18, 2020

For me, there is a very simple three worded question, that is really easy for me to answer, although I may not like the answer. - "Am I Happy"

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Jun 18, 2020

YES! yes yes yes! Atta girl! Yes. fear is simply that, fear. I'm so glad that you are there. Learning to sit with my feelings, not sasociate with them until they have rolled past and then looking at the root of them is exactly where I am too. It has taken me the better part of a month to get there... but that's where I am too.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 19, 2020

Are THEY happy? Are YOU holding back with that because you have concerns?
This leads to other questions. Like "Are you afraid?" And "Are you in control?"



Let's say you're not happy. Now what?

Are you turning your back and running away because you couldn't handle being unhappy? To avoid admitting being weak? You could be using happiness as an excuse to ignore more serious issues that affect happiness itself. Stuff people don't bother to try and think about but is important to do so in order to MAKE happiness. If you just leave it at happiness alone then you don't know how to make happiness happen for a lot of it (intentionally). I state this because I see many people losing themselves in "fun" and "happiness" ALONE. Desperate for it and "avoiding drama" instead of handling it. Which means they become unhappy because they never were realistic.

Can you make the best of any bad situation?

You might have a know it all, I know better attitude one day. Then the next your world gets turned upside down and you're wondering if you hurt everyone around you and it makes you go insane. Everything you believed in was a lie. Everything that shouldn't work does. There's only one thing you can do in a situation like that.

Be honest with yourself, take that pain, and laugh. Because if the world is that messed up what else can you do? Be that dark twisted person, be that monster, but make the best of it. Don't avoid it, enjoy and embrace it. Direct it. Give it focus and direction. If you can do that then you can tell me you know how to be happy. Otherwise, you've either yet to fall at your darkest hour and yet to learn how to do that, or you have been in that dark moment and failed to turn it around.

In knowing how to do this you can support who you're with. Maybe you won't be monsters. But if you are? Have you talked about "I'll understand even if you lash out at me"? Would you remain loyal and still love even if someone hurt you in the worst possible way?

Then again acid in the face might be preferable to years of pain and suffering from turned backs. Regardless, in those situations I just say "I understand".

Little story to put things into perspective. Dr Who Episode. One of the companions gets turned into a cyberman. 99% of cybermen are the enemy. This one is the exception. Someone shoots them. But all they say is "I understand".

Two words that fill me with hope and sadness. You just hurt someone and they simply say "I understand".

Interpret that as you will.

Road Toad • Jun 19, 2020

I can only speak for myself.

One day I had an epiphany - Know thyself - leads to love thyself, if I can't love myself then how can I ever be happy.

The only person that can make me happy is me.

By the same token, I can not make anyone else happy. This fact was the hardest thing for me to learn.

I might enjoy the time that I spend with someone because they treat me the way I want and like to be treated. Someone else might like spending time with me for the same reasons. I can not force anyone to be happy nor can they force me to, that is just a lie people tell themselves.
See Sentence #2

At the end of the day, it is how my mind perceives reality that is important.

Bunnie's question was rather specific.
I do not just wake up one morning and decide I am not happy with a relationship.

At that point, I would have already communicated how I feel about things and what is going on and we would have already exhausted any and all remedies for the situation.

The only advice I can give to anyone is "Love Yourself First" then love others

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 19, 2020

Wow, this is great stuff.

i think "runners" sibling is "hider." i was in a relationship for a very long time with a hider who hid and used silence continuously as a test of their own value. Their distrust of my love, over time, had the affect of making me doubt myself. It was endless and painful to not have my love for this person acknowledged or affirmed.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 20, 2020

Been sorting a lot of shit out after making these posts. Like, I'm handling other peoples and my problems. And it's leading to happiness for everyone.

This is awesome. I feel great.

The first situation was a self harm situation. Not me. Not even who talked to me. Their "partner". It was about "How they see others". Also "anger". The advice I gave was "It's actually about jealousy" and "Talk about why they're afraid". Also called them an idiot about bad moves they made (Responding with "good" after someone says "Whatever" is a bad move). MOMENTS later they said they worked things out after they talked. Whatever happens from there I know I helped with that current situation.

The next situation was about how my concerns are piling up because someone else has concerns. The above was a bit of a wake up call. I'm worried about overwhelming them but rolled up my sleeves and went "HEY". Then... they joke. I joke. Already having a laugh. Talk seriously. Short and clear. Plans made. Fun soon. Concern talk later in the week. Done. Dusted.

Dealt with something else a few days ago. Built up my confidence. Handle others and you handle yourself. I'm starting to realise this is a pattern. You LEARN more. You find out more. You know how to handle more. What situations can be and how to control them.