Creating a Dom?

Creating a Dom?

EyeAlrdyOne​(sub female) • Jul 8, 2020

I’m a new sub and I want my husband to dominate me. I’ve brought up the topic and we’re very open sexually, but I’m not sure where to tell him to start. I’ve discussed what I like, what I’m comfortable doing, and things I wouldn’t do. But I don’t want to tell him exactly what to do and how to do it, I love spontaneity, and I feel like trying to “create a Dom” takes that away. Is there any articles, websites (besides here), or anything I could tell him to read ? I’d like him to understand being a Dom, BDSM, and how to really take charge. Any advice ?

TheChimera​(sub female) • Jul 8, 2020

Morning~

I highly encourage both of you to do lots and lots of research. I'm happy you're asking for materials.

The Cage has provided some really good stuff and links for folks to use if they're interested~

--- The Cage: "Let's get you started": https://thecage.co/magazine,1.html
--- Kinkly: On top: "How to be a Dominant": https://www.kinkly.com/2/14151/sex-tips/bdsm/on-top-how-to-be-a-dominant
--- Autostraddle: You need help: "So you want to be a BDSM Top?": https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-from-bondage-beginner-to-terrific-top-224702/

A handy site I've used to understand definitions, acronyms, and research a general idea of kinks and what they are:
--- BDSM Wikipedia page: http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Main_Page
(Please keep in mind it's still a Wiki- so things can be edited, and sometimes info CAN be wrong, so whereas it's a great thing to look into, read, and take notes. Don't take it completely as gospel.)

I can't say I quite agree with "Creating a Dom" usually such things the other person realizes about themselves. You'll also want to keep in mind that your husband might discover that he is really into this - or isn't into this lifestyle.
If he's not, that may leave you with some hurdles and challenges. After all, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink, as they say.

Best of luck & I'm hoping for nothing but the best for both you and your husband :3

InYourHead​(dom male) • Jul 8, 2020

Does he have a dominant nature? “Creating”a dom can potentially lead to issues, and even the risk of you being injured. Research, research, research... talk things out.

And I’ll offer advice that really helped me over 30 years ago. He should seek out an experienced Dom as a mentor. Someone that can help him embrace who he is( if he’s naturally dominant).It will help him discover his style, and help teach him right and wrong. It’s more important to know what NOT to do as a Dom..
Having a mentor isn’t creating a Dom, it’s simply helping him grow.

Just my 24 cents.

EyeAlrdyOne​(sub female) • Jul 8, 2020

Hi thank you for the amazing advice ! I forgot the love you get from this community. Sorry about the bad terminology (“creating a Dom”), I hope it doesn’t offend anyone I’m still learning and still new! I should just refer him here !

surreytrainer​(dom male) • Jul 8, 2020

If he wants to chat feel free to offer him my details...

In my experience you can become a better dom, but you either are one or you are not....

Re: Creating a Dom?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 8, 2020

It's a challenging balancing act, probably always, but especially when you first mount the balance beam?

On the one hand, communication is key and crucial, on the other hand i totally get the desire/need for the spontaneity that comes from knowing/being. i think InYourHead asks a good and valid question (i.e. "Does he have a dominant nature?").

i personally dislike role play because, for me, it suggests pretending, and this is very real for me. Going through the motions of being a dom does not make one a Dom. my own feel is that Dom and sub are a part of ones essence. That essence can and may be wired to a myriad of different or individual 'kinks' but i think the energy source is intrinsic.

Which is not to suggest your mate doesn't have a dom nature or energy, only to suggest that part of this process is not so much about creating or learning to be a dom, but discovering if and how he is dom? To me, that is the foundation on which learning how to dom is built on, and i'd suggest is also the source of the spontaneity you probably both need and want?

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jul 8, 2020

I would suggest treading very carefully into this new world. It sounds as though you already have a committed and successful marriage, and this dynamic can be a very powerful addition... or subtraction from that. You may wish to consider...

1. Have you both "taken the test" honestly and truthfully to explore compatibility in what you seek.
2. What will happen if you enter this dynamic and find yourselves irreconcilably different in this regard?

The BDSM Dynamic can make lovers out of strangers, and strangers out of lovers. Just tread carefully and slowly, for once you open pandora's box .....

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jul 8, 2020

I think you can create a top, but a dominant not so much, just as most vanillas are not capable of being made kinky, people are or they aren't kinky, submissive and or dominant. Many tout the alpha thing as being what is needed and in my view that is not what dominance is about. To my mind it is a highly creative state of mind, and the best analogy is that of artists. I see kink as an art form and dominants are for the greater part people who are that way or have the inclination to be that way, and while I think most people can be taught to paint and draw its that artistic spark, that either is there or isn't that makes that art great, and the same, I feel, is true in kink with dominants.

Being a dominant is so much more than spanking or tying someone up, anyone can be taught to do that, but the spark, the energy, creating that, is a much more difficult thing.

I think finding out if this person is kinky, has the inclination to be so, is the first thing to establish. After that figuring out what they like, what activities excite and arouse them, both of you the next thing to figure out in theory. Please note I say theory. Kink activity is for the greater part very risky activity, and knowing how to do it well, and safely, mitigating the many risks (note I say mitigate, as kink activity can never be 100% safe) will only come with learning and practice. That should be obtained by reading, watching quality training videos, and then attending workshops and events focusing on those activities, only then try anything in person. Kink activity, even the most simple can carry great risk.

If there is a natural creative energy for this, in that person, it will appear during this period and grow, and like an artist learning new techniques these skills will fire their dominant creativity. If they become good at activity but lack creativity, seeking your input always to guide the activity things then they are a top, and not a dom - in my view.

For me I see these things as not being the same. One can top and not be a dominant, many subs top but are not dominants, your partner may also turn out to be a kinkster, or a fetishist. Nothing wrong with that by the way. The only way to know is to invest time into finding out, both of you exploring things and figuring what exactly you like, desire and need, and the how, the means of receiving and giving that.

I wish you the best, on your journey together.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jul 9, 2020

You're also overlooking the fact that everyone has the capacity to change. Which brings in wanting too, choice, how to approach situations, etc, etc. Just because someone is one thing now doesn't mean they can't be later. And vice versa. It all depends on context.

I'm on Second Life a lot. It can be very easy to be either a sub or a dom with someone that is playful. Some other people can be difficult, even on purpose. Roleplay is a safe environment. It's better to let your own actions do the "talking".

Sometimes people lack ideas. This applies in roleplay and the physical world alike. roleplay wise seeing how you've had good D/s roleplays with others (logs) can easily provide better ideas. Get over the jealousy, you need to know "what kind of activities" were done you both can enjoy. Physical world is different, you have to inquire more. Ask people for advice. etc. Here roleplay has an edge.

However, roleplay can easily lead to actually doing things physically as well. Depends on how good a poster you are I guess. Simple playful comments about fetching a ball could lead to putting your hand on someones head with a comment about "If it's balls you're looking for" and one thing could lead to another as you grab a hold of the leash attached to the collar with the other person. Got a lot more detailed after that. This was purely spontaneous. But I have the ideas. Know how to "take the lead". For example I picked a location and "let things happen". In their point of view. I didn't have to put in much effort and am used to it.

Little details like pressing a hand against the back of someones head or tugging on a leash lightly and slowly instead of quickly yanking on it can also go a long way. Especially if we're talking about blowjobs. XD

Each and every little detail is very much an action. You WILL have to force it at times. But only at first. AFTER you have done things a few times things BECOME more spontaneous. Due to repetition. Once you get used to one action, move on to the next. Try to add as many of your own as you can while letting them make theirs. Just be clear about what you want/need from each other. With the "little details" as much as the big ones. Maybe you like being slapped across the face as you glance up when giving oral and told to focus on your work.

Could go on. But you get the idea by now.

Re: Creating a Dom?

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Jul 9, 2020

Ok, lets examine this closely.......
You started with a list of wants and how you want it. You said you don't want to tell him what to do, but in all reality that is exactly what you are and will be doing if you start shoving reading material at him. In essence "educating" with what you think is necessary. This is what's commonly referred to as "topping from the bottom". While this may be strongly worded I am going to run with it......... If you are a sub, this is not your place to direct him in how to develop his interest and education around being a Dom. He needs to take the initiative and vet someone he thinks will be a good mentor in this area, perhaps a close friend, but definitely someone with more than 10 years experience.
If you want to have a healthy relationship with him I would strongly advise against trying to steer or direct him.

If you want to encourage his dominant side, then do things that are submissive to him more. Seek HIS direction and advice, don't force yours on him. Tell him how proud you are of him, and how safe and secure you feel with him, and how attracted you are to him. Nothing gets a Dom puffing out his chest more than knowing he has a content and well satisfied sub in his care. So look for what he does that boosts your happiness and tell him about it frequently.