I'm a new Dom experienciencing a breakup. Help!!!

New Dom

PawPawGirl​(sub female){Azzabackam} • Aug 5, 2020

I am sorry you are hurting.
I can only give you a glimpse into this sub's mind, but I do know that my past has sometimes haunted my relationship with my Dom.

There are a few who I still talk to, and there were two I had to break all contact with because there was still a strong pull between us, even though they were not the best for me emotionally.

The best explanation I can give is that each awakened something inside of me. They didn't care about me as a person and abused their role as the dominant in our relationship; the rational part of my brain acknowledges that, but there is still a part of me that feels something because of that.

It can be difficult for those of us with deep emotional wounds to step outside of ourselves and see a relationship for what it was.. toxic, especially if it was our "normal".

Be patient. Those wounds took a long time to set, and they will take a long time to heal, but the love and support of a partner means a lot.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 5, 2020

I think we both agreed on what abuse meant. We used it in the sense of being truly abused (non-consensual) and abuse that I gave her (consensual) meaning impact play. Love is something we actually had an argument about. I know, who does this? She told me that love was a feeling and how someone treated her. I told her that love was a commitment to prioritizing someone else either at the top of or very close to the top of their priorities and to always do what is in their well being couple this with a feeling. That is love for me. Anyone can treat you nicely. It doesn't mean they love you. She eventually agreed with me.

She doesn't like explaining or talking about what is going wrong. In reality, I know what she is talking about. I didn't feel Dominant. I didn't feel like I wanted to Dominate her. Deep down I did but the things she said turned me off and I thought she needed help more than anything else.[/quote]

Personally, i think it's possible for someone who is wounded to consent to being truly abused.

i think it's really great that you discussed love, even if it took the form of "an argument." i believe having a working and practical definition of love that both are equally dedicated to pursuing is foundational. i don't think the feeling, thought it's wonderful, is enough to sustain a relationship, it seems that feeling comes and goes?
idk, but wonder if her "agreeing" was capitulation? i have been with some who just overwhelmed me with verbal force (not talking reason here) to where i felt hopeless to be heard or understood, so i go silent. i think it's also possible that someone will capitulate just to end the discussion. i can't presume what's going in your case, just some thoughts.

i still think counseling from an objective third party could help if both want it. What i am reading from you is you perceive that her idea of dominance is abuse and i respect that you are not wanting to go there. Not making a judgement one way or the other about whether or not that's the case, but i respect that you are not willing to risk abuse. I wonder if on some unconscious level she is testing you and your love for her?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Aug 5, 2020

There is another possibility here that you may not discover or acknowledge for years. She is lying about her past relationships, in order to suck you in and make you want her. Typical "Damsel in Distress" histrionic ploy, and now she is done with you and likely to lie about you to her next Dom. People who do this get better and better at lying, and leave a trail of confused partners in their wake.

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 5, 2020

Please walk on , and don't look back.
She never should have compared or even mentioned her prior relationships the way she did. If she genuinely cared for you, she would have been only about you. With no comparison of anyone else.
You need someone who is completely aligned with you.
Someone who will passionately love, respect, adore you.
Settle for nothing less.
There is the perfect submissive who is waiting for a perfect Dominant like you....find her.

Ricccardio • Aug 6, 2020

Personally, i think it's possible for someone who is wounded to consent to being truly abused.

i think it's really great that you discussed love, even if it took the form of "an argument." i believe having a working and practical definition of love that both are equally dedicated to pursuing is foundational. i don't think the feeling, thought it's wonderful, is enough to sustain a relationship, it seems that feeling comes and goes?
idk, but wonder if her "agreeing" was capitulation? i have been with some who just overwhelmed me with verbal force (not talking reason here) to where i felt hopeless to be heard or understood, so i go silent. i think it's also possible that someone will capitulate just to end the discussion. i can't presume what's going in your case, just some thoughts.

i still think counseling from an objective third party could help if both want it. What i am reading from you is you perceive that her idea of dominance is abuse and i respect that you are not wanting to go there. Not making a judgement one way or the other about whether or not that's the case, but i respect that you are not willing to risk abuse. I wonder if on some unconscious level she is testing you and your love for her?[/quote]


I don't think it was capitulation. She asked if I loved her and I told her yes and explained what that meant for me, and she said she agreed on what I told her and she was happy that I said that. I always wanted her to respond and talk more. She never wants to talk and it would irritate the hell out of me. She is one of those people who expects the Dom to read her mind and it sounds great in theory. In fact, I'd love to be able to read her mind because things would be far easier but this is real life.

So no, I don't think her idea of dominance is necessarily abuse. She seems very confused about clear standards in a relationship though. For example, if you like permanent markings, then say "I love permanent markings" if you don't say that, then I won't inflict them. She says permanent markings are a hard limit and that her exes abused her and left permanent markings but then she danced with the idea by telling me once that she'd be ok with me doing it. So is it yes or is it no? This isn't the place for ambiguity. I'd honestly beat her into a bloody mess and I have a desire to do so; however, she says that is a hard limit; therefore I don't want to. My problem is the idea that she thinks her abusers loved her, I cannot accept that in a sub. I end up wondering if she is even in a place mentally to really give consent and then it troubles me because if my partner doesn't want something, I have literally no desire to do it. If it brings true harm, physical or psychological, how can I love my sub and truly harm her. This is Domming 101 "do no harm." and just human nature in general, you never deliberately inflict true harm to those you love.

Ricccardio • Aug 6, 2020

I honestly have been wondering about this. It all just seems extremely odd to me. However, her approach is not working. It is making me not want her. It is wise to play damsel in distress, not mentally deluded. If she sucked me in with her being abused, and how it hurt her, and she just wants a better relationship, she would have won me so fast but believing that someone who hurt you is actually a lover only makes me concerned instead of aroused.

Ricccardio • Aug 6, 2020

Personally, i think it's possible for someone who is wounded to consent to being truly abused.

i think it's really great that you discussed love, even if it took the form of "an argument." i believe having a working and practical definition of love that both are equally dedicated to pursuing is foundational. i don't think the feeling, thought it's wonderful, is enough to sustain a relationship, it seems that feeling comes and goes?
idk, but wonder if her "agreeing" was capitulation? i have been with some who just overwhelmed me with verbal force (not talking reason here) to where i felt hopeless to be heard or understood, so i go silent. i think it's also possible that someone will capitulate just to end the discussion. i can't presume what's going in your case, just some thoughts.

i still think counseling from an objective third party could help if both want it. What i am reading from you is you perceive that her idea of dominance is abuse and i respect that you are not wanting to go there. Not making a judgement one way or the other about whether or not that's the case, but i respect that you are not willing to risk abuse. I wonder if on some unconscious level she is testing you and your love for her?[/quote]


I don't think it was capitulation. She asked if I loved her and I told her yes and explained what that meant for me, and she said she agreed on what I told her and she was happy that I said that. I always wanted her to respond and talk more. She never wants to talk and it would irritate the hell out of me. She is one of those people who expects the Dom to read her mind and it sounds great in theory. In fact, I'd love to be able to read her mind because things would be far easier but this is real life.

So no, I don't think her idea of dominance is necessarily abuse. She seems very confused about clear standards in a relationship though. For example, if you like permanent markings, then say "I love permanent markings" if you don't say that, then I won't inflict them. She says permanent markings are a hard limit and that her exes abused her and left permanent markings but then she danced with the idea by telling me once that she'd be ok with me doing it. So is it yes or is it no? This isn't the place for ambiguity. I'd honestly beat her into a bloody mess and I have a desire to do so; however, she says that is a hard limit; therefore I don't want to. My problem is the idea that she thinks her abusers loved her, I cannot accept that in a sub. I end up wondering if she is even in a place mentally to really give consent and then it troubles me because if my partner doesn't want something, I have literally no desire to do it. If it brings true harm, physical or psychological, how can I love my sub and truly harm her. This is Domming 101 "do no harm." and just human nature in general, you never deliberately inflict true harm to those you love.

Ricccardio • Aug 6, 2020

Deep down, I think I know you are 100% right. Every word you said. I think I am just being tormented with the idea of me being morally wrong to leave her if she really is messed up and needs help. I am also looking at a relationship that is just pure failure. I've never had that. I've had bad ones, yes, but there was some redeeming quality. For this, I see nothing. Pure mess and stress. Another clear reason you are right.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 6, 2020

I don't think it was capitulation. She asked if I loved her and I told her yes and explained what that meant for me, and she said she agreed on what I told her and she was happy that I said that. I always wanted her to respond and talk more. She never wants to talk and it would irritate the hell out of me. She is one of those people who expects the Dom to read her mind and it sounds great in theory. In fact, I'd love to be able to read her mind because things would be far easier but this is real life.

So no, I don't think her idea of dominance is necessarily abuse. She seems very confused about clear standards in a relationship though. For example, if you like permanent markings, then say "I love permanent markings" if you don't say that, then I won't inflict them. She says permanent markings are a hard limit and that her exes abused her and left permanent markings but then she danced with the idea by telling me once that she'd be ok with me doing it. So is it yes or is it no? This isn't the place for ambiguity. I'd honestly beat her into a bloody mess and I have a desire to do so; however, she says that is a hard limit; therefore I don't want to. My problem is the idea that she thinks her abusers loved her, I cannot accept that in a sub. I end up wondering if she is even in a place mentally to really give consent and then it troubles me because if my partner doesn't want something, I have literally no desire to do it. If it brings true harm, physical or psychological, how can I love my sub and truly harm her. This is Domming 101 "do no harm." and just human nature in general, you never deliberately inflict true harm to those you love.[/quote]

i've done a lot of conflict resolution, it was part of my job for 25 years. my experience is there is typically three versions, each parties individually, then a third version when they are together with an objective party skilled at getting to the root of things. i appreciate that you are using qualifiers like "i don't think..," that speaks to me of openness. What's missing from this discussion is her input. Your conclusions could be accurate and spot on or not. idk.

From what you say, her idea of dominance wavers. She has left Doms she is convinced loved her because they went past her line and abused her. They were "triggered." i wonder if the "trigger" was her giving them the same permission she has tried to give you, changing her boundary? It sounds like she is trying to get you to do the same thing, and that you could be the next Dom she leaves because you "triggered" and stepped over her (moving) line and abused her. She doesn't sound trustworthy to give a reliable boundary, and if that is the case, i'd say she is not stable enough to pull off something as complex as a healthy S/m relationship? i'm way out of my depth on that one, i'm neither Sadist or masochist, so cannot relate to eithers needs, just have a rudimentary understanding from an intellectual distance.

my opinion, for what it may be worth, is i don't think you are in a position to fix this, which likely goes against your nature making it that much harder. The more i read, the more it reinforces my original notion that this situation needs professional unraveling, counseling. You wrote in another post that you "do wonder if she is beyond a trained psychiatrist." If that is true, how do you think you can help her?

larkspur​(sub female) • Aug 7, 2020

You are under no moral obligation to fix someone who isn't mentally healthy or to stay with them because they're troubled. Dealing with mental emotional baggage, particularly from abuse, takes a lot of work and she's the only one who can do it. You can be supportive and encourage her to get therapy, but you can't do the work for her. tallslenderguy makes some great points about the moving boundaries. I really do think good mental health and clear communication are prerequisites for a healthy s/m relationship. From what you've said here it doesn't sound like this relationship is going to get there...