Disclosing your kinky/BDSM side to your friends & family

Disclosing your kinky/BDSM side to your friends & family

POC​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2020

Hi so I've here for around 2 weeks now so still kinda new. Do many people tell their friends & family that they're a Dom(me)/sub/switch/etc? I only ask because I myself am a very private person so will not be telling anyone and if I were to disclose it, it would be a rather sizeable bombshell that cannot be worked into a conversation; it would just have to be dropped in randomly. Does anyone else feel this way, that your kinky side is for you partner(s) and not your friends & family? Of course some of you in the community are married an practise BDSM in and outside of the marriage so to be clear when I say "family" I mean parents, siblings, and other relatives.

If you do disclose it, and are comfortable sharing the experience, what was it like? Easy to talk about and the conversation flowed smoothly away or difficult and you felt uneasy? I'm just genuinely curious as my Domme has asked if my friends know I'm a sub and I explained that's private for me, only to be disclosed to my partner. Just curious about the majority of you I guess.

DomF​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2020

Unless you are sitting on my lap....you don't NEED to know. The rest is comforting yourself. What are you comfortable sharing. That should be the first guild.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Nov 6, 2020

It's the same way I feel about sexuality -

If it doesn't effect you, you don't need to know.

Only people who *need* to know if you're in the lifestyle, and what position you are, are potential partners. Otherwise, it's not necessary to disclose.

If you *want* to? Be prepared for whatever reactions may come. If you *don't* want to? Just don't!

No one in our family knows, really. Some friends do as they questioned why Wolfy wore a collar while he did. But, we still kept it pretty simple. No big details or explanations. And luckily since most of our friends are theater folk who are odd in their own right, no one really questioned or cared XD

But it's entirely up to you. I don't see the necessity, unless you're trying to be with the person you tell. But it all comes down to preference really.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Nov 6, 2020

I treat BDSM like I would if I were vanilla: friends and family see the dynamic, the deep affection, and what is appropriate for public display. From what they see, they can draw their own conclusions. We don't hide things. but we also don't flaunt them.

Holisticwoman • Nov 6, 2020

I told my little sister(she’s 23). She is the only person in my vanilla life that knows. This is how the conversation went.

“Listen I have to tell you something. And I’m only telling you so that someone knows where I am in case something happens. You can judge me(not that she would) but at the end of the day I don’t care. And so I told her how I met the person and all that it entailed.”

She is my safe call. We’ve always had that relationship with each other though. We tell each other everything.

I say all of this to say that I think it’s important to have someone in your life who you can trust and won’t judge for you lifestyle choices. So that when meeting new people within this culture someone on the “outside” knows where and what you are planning to do in case something goes awry.

I watch too my true crime tv in my free time, so my anxieties and fear maybe getting the best of me in these situations. It’s 2020 and people are crazy as they’ve always been.

Learn from my mistake though and get to know people before meeting up in a vanilla setting. Then have even more conversations before meeting them to have a scene.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2020

Personally, I see my private life as private. In my job, I interact with so many people on a daily basis, that it is hard to even be out for dinner without somebody wanting to come up and say hi or chat etc etc. Frankly, I would not want the judgements, and I certainly would not care for the opinions, be it good or bad.

How, where, and with whom I spend my personal time is my own affair, and those I care to spend it with. I could see no benefit to telling anybody about my personal affairs.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 6, 2020

I never felt the need to disclose that part of my life. Even if it were a vanilla situation I may bring the person around to meet friends and/or family but I tend to think it would be awkward for me to tell them about sexual activity.

It's not the same as a sibling or grown kid to bring up one's sexual preference if it is other than heterosexual. That's about relationships and so-forth.

Telling relatives or friends I like it rough and twisted.. That's TMI for them I would think. It's just unnecessary information.

If one feels the need to tell others so they "know where you are" then it might be beneficial to take a longer look at whoever you want to do this with.

If you feel as though your safety is hanging in the balance, you're going too fast