It's gone.

DrWakko • Feb 11, 2021

I think it might be a passion level problem. You have a passion for something at an 8 and he has a passion level at a 4. He can bump his passion level up to an 8, but he can only hold that level for so long before he slips down to his 4 level again.

There can be a number reasons why someone does this. It could be that he wants to make you happy, he could be afraid of loosing you. It can be anything.

All pronouns and numbers can be swapped or changed to fit your scenario.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 11, 2021

So ya met a guy n got collared in less than 6 months of irl. I'd hate to say it, but this is a common mistake regaurdless of experience. It works out for some ppl 5% of the time. Makes me think there should be a world wide clause for collating that specifies such things of neglect like a lemon law

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 11, 2021

Have you noticed any other significant changes since your relationship eh.. 'went vanilla?'

enigmatic • Feb 11, 2021

Yes, it was just shy of 6 mo, and ironically, that is also about when I noticed he was less interested in D/s. And it went downhill from there.
There are red flags in retrospect.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Mar 7, 2021

A lot of new relationships or play unions can suffer from "frenzy" on both sides of the whip. It never hurts to know about frenzy and factor it into your decisions when your thinking about planning a future or a collaring.
Its kinda like the vanilla worlds "honeymoon period" (see we aren't actually that different after all we just do it differently )

Don't be hard on yourself enigmatic, when your feeling good its often hard to see, what we see clearly in hindsight. Strike it up as a learning lesson. No life or learning lesson is ever a waste.
I guess the next question is where do you go next?

Kelpi • Mar 7, 2021

Semi Dom? As I was told either you are or your not. As my ex asked me "why can't you be more Dom?". The answer is with her she was more dom than I was and it was hard to take orders from someone who wanted to be a sub. It killed it for me and now I am looking to find my way back. I loved her but I had limits and she went far beyond them. I respect limits and needs but when your needs put my limits in the wind I have a problem with it. I can do most anything you want but I hold the right to go so far so fast. I can learn to make you into who you want to be but as I change into someone else don't bitch about it.

In your case there is something wrong with him not you. Your needs are not being met and either he needs to step up or he needs to let you find a Dom and to play with and keep your love going or back off and let you find who you need. To be honest this sounds like he wanted to play and just could not handle it.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 7, 2021

Sorry to tell you but this is not a new thing. Many who were even long time experienced in the lifestyle have met and married only to find that their Ds or Ms side faded away. Many also end up breaking up/divorcing.

There have been sadists who feared love. Some talking about falling in love with their partner as a terrible thing because they cannot be aggressive or sadistic and in love. Some couples open the relationship and keep their part vanilla while each takes an outside partner. But that is very complex and has many pitfalls. Especially for newer people.

Any relationship with long-term potential is going to take a lot of work. One of the benefits of having friendships and connections with others in the lifestyle is that you both have a support system when this type of thing comes up. The love factor in a dynamic is a common class offered by very experienced people at large events because it is such a big challenge.

I refer to it as appetite. Your appetite may be to love him through submission. So as one increases so will the other. (This is how I am)

His might have been to have fun and explore until love started and then to let go of the rest.

To him, it might have been a temporary exploration, but for you, it might have opened a real hard-wired part of you.

It's a hard factor of compatibility that many do not consider prior to getting deeply involved.

So the reality is this: No one is going to change, no one's needs are going to line up again.

Then what will you do? You cannot force him to go back to topping you for your pleasure and he can't force you to abandon the heartbeat of your submission.

It is one of the hardest parts of finding a match and probably a big factor in why many of us are still single and looking.

Sorry, kiddo. Figuring this out usually requires one to go through it. You'll have to decide what is best for each of you and what you can live with and without.

MisterWolf​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2021

Hello,

My heart goes out to you. To have something you desired in your hands and them to see it slow and then stop.

MissBonnie has some great suggestions, particularly trying to meet in the middle.

Unfortunately you can’t (and clearly shouldn’t) force anyone to be what they aren’t or don’t want to be.

Communication is the key here but ultimately you need to decide what will make you happy, particularly if the answer from your partner is no.

Good luck.

AdamDragon​(dom male) • Mar 8, 2021

More conversation is needed, yes. But are you willing to settle without those needs being fulfilled? You both have many years of life left, so before the ring goes on the finger, absolute clarity is what you both need for the future. Perhaps it was in the moment and what he felt was going to win you over? (not being shallow here) we can sit here and make all the assumptions but only YOU know what your true core needs are and will you be willing to settle for what you possibly won't ever receive again? Life is about choices , and those choices we make profoundly effect us later on down the path. Be crystal clear with yourself first, and then maybe the discussions will be more acceptable no matter what the outcome may be. Good luck to you both.