Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

IndieLee​(switch female) • Jan 8, 2021

Yes! 100% agree! Many sub males want to tell a femdom how to be a dom. I'm not talking about boundaries or things like that. I mean they want to tell the fem dom how to be dominant entirely. I also think a lot of sub men may like ass play, so they think that makes them subs when in reality it just means they enjoy that sensation.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Jan 9, 2021

US-citizen and former International Ms Leather title holder Mollena Williams-Haas once spent some time in, I believe, Sweden for a kink parade and visited some kink shops, like one does. Mollena identifies as a slave, and was startled to notice that the packaging for the kink toys universally showed men as being the bottoms / submissives and women being the tops / dominants. When she asked around about why there was no gender-reversal for the packaging, she was met with appalled reactions: a _woman_ getting beaten as part of advertising?!?

I'm not saying that there are no dominant or top men in Sweden (or wherever this happened), but it was most certainly not a given that men would be the dominant force in a power exchange.

It's a different perception that leaks into everything. Women in the U.S. go into a kink shop and look at rope: who is tied up on the packaging? Women. Bondage cuffs? Women. Who is holding a dildo? Women. Unless one is going into Mr. S. or a similarly male-oriented kink shop, the majority of images showing bottoms or submissives are going to show women. Sex sells, and in the U.S. sex for advertising usually means sexily-clad women.

Women inexperienced with kink, who don't know what role(s) they want to take, walk in and see that over and over ... the subtle message is that women are the bottoms and submissives. Nevermind the books! There are books for tops and dominants, usually with dark covers, sometimes showing very muscled forearms leading to hands holding rope or an implement, or a flat jeans back pocket with a hanky coming out the back; and then there are way fewer books for "dommes".

Kink can be gear-heavy and men are more known for being gear-heads than women.

Nevermind walking into a kink party or class, or even a forum, and having your role assumed based purely on gender. That's exactly what happened to me within a minute of me signing on. I swear: there were guys on here watching the "new member" listings like hawks, and they sent me come-ons while I was still filling out the basic forms. One went silent, and the other replied with "Hello ... 'domme'."

Oddly, someone in my local kink community decided to challenge my adjusted role ... but did it as a coward: online, using a pseudonym, so I didn't know who it was who had a problem with me realizing that I just wasn't cut out to be a submissive. Then there were the people who treated me like a resource: "Thank god, we need more Black dommes." He realized that he'd used his outside voice, whipped his head to look at me, saw my side eye expression, and immediately apologized. I was no longer Byrdie to him, I was Black Domme Resource #14, and now I knew it.

I've been accused of hating men because I enjoy CBT, but quieted that noise real quick when I asked, "But why would I want to touch the junk of someone I hate? EEEEWWWWW!" (Yeah, I totes don't get "hate fucking." If I hate someone, I'm not thinking about them *that* way - for that is the stuff of nightmares, right there.)

There's enough pushback - both direct and indirect, both personal and systematic - to being a dominant woman in kink that someone who is just starting to find her feet (keeping in mind whatever other personal struggles she may have) might categorize themselves as "switch" (a valid choice if one enjoys a variety of roles, certainly) initially before earning some experience and possibly changing roles - or never doing so. I've certainly seen switches who own slaves, and have seen posts by people who would never submit to a switch, so ... maybe there are more dommes out there than are being counted.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Jan 9, 2021

Hell, I'm a sub, and I constantly get harassed and pressured by sub men to dominate them and be their own personal kink vending machine. I can only imagine how much worse it is from actual dominant women! Especially ones with a certain physical aesthetic. I've seen 'em get absolutely mobbed. Like, 20 dudes surrounding them at all times. No respect! Lots of pretending to be respectful, but pushing themselves and their submission on her without her consent is absolutely not respectful. I'd feel disinclined to stick around, after a while, personally.

There are, of course, many wonderful, respectful, loving, worthy submissive men as well. Wanted to add that. Just... a lot of dudes who aren't. And it sucks, because it makes it so much harder for good submissives of any gender who are interested in dominants on the fem side to find a partner.

You hit the nail one the right place. Exactly what goes on i

Evashine​(dom female) • Mar 12, 2021

enigmatic • Mar 12, 2021

In my opinion, it's science.
Brain chemicals and hormone production are likely the root of it, then layers of environment, upbringing, societal expectations, age, and open mindedness.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Mar 13, 2021

Anecdotal, but I use Tinder fairly heavily (have been for a while) and have ended up matching with a lot of women who don't advertise their more dominant leanings. Maybe I'm good at picking out people who are kinky, or, more likely, there just exists a far more comfortable balancing of dominant women outside of the online community.

I will note that the few who are aware of the greater bdsm community (and there are many who identify as dominant without) were surprised when I mentioned difficulty finding other dommes. Context on that - I don't get out much currently (this extends to before covid) and pretty much just use this site and Tinder for meeting others, kink-wise. My personal conclusion is the younger generations [thankfully] feel less repressed and don't really need to seek out online forums or dating sites to find a compatible partner, especially with traditional masculinity not being outright required for social acceptance (among said younger gens).

Kelpi • Mar 13, 2021

Personally I do not think they are as small as you think. they just tend to be more secretive about who and what they are. It is hard enough being a woman who has power but to be one who also holds power over men like she does put her in a spot light where she can't just come out and say "hi this is who I am". Hell there are powerful men who won't admit they are submissive to women least of all a slave to one.

Re: Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

To be blunt, nature. We have evolved in a way where most women had to “depend” on men for a very long time(not to mention our biological differences since women have more of a “child birth” build and men have a “protect”, for lack of better words, build) and up until about 100 years ago that was the norm. Not in all societies/regions/cultures, im specifically talking about western civilization or most really are similar. This causes a lot of women to be submissive by nature. It is true that the numbers dont make sense when you consider how many men comparatively are submissive(like you mention and it would make you think there would be more dominant women) but that’s something i have noticed as well and i think it’s largely due to society(how we view women/gender roles) and nature. I really hope that we wake up and realize gender roles and stereotypes are stupid and people should just do what they feel is true to themselves. Hope that is an idea to ponder. Definitely your post made me think (im submissive so i have not encountered that side of kink but i do see your perspective now).

MrFulmen • Mar 15, 2021

Lest anyone believe the "women are naturally submissive" nonsense, let's be clear: women who want to dominate are not rare; they're just hard to find on dating sites and in other public scene spaces.

I've been involved in lots of different kink communities for many years. I've seen over and over again that when you create a community that is relatively free of misogyny and where men's entitled behavior isn't tolerated--it magically fills up with dominant women (and also with nonbinary people).

It isn't that fewer women want to dominate. It's that most spaces are set up to discourage them.

KingDom​(dom male) • Mar 15, 2021

There are lots of dominant women. I've never heard of them being the smallest demographic in BDSM however it definitely varies per country. If anyone is looking for dominant women and not finding them then perhaps they are doing it wrong and/or looking at the wrong places/sites. I've been in this lifestyle for over 5 years while being in different parts of USA and Asia and have run into, mentored and befriended lots of dominant women, and the sub friends I have in different areas haven't really had issues finding dominant women, getting them to be your Domme ofcourse is a whole other matter.