My husband isn't a dom...

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

If he's unable to dominate you then you might need a bull

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 21, 2021

Going play devils advocate here, since he doesn't have a voice in this (maybe ask him to join here or find another site for you both to share, if you fear him seeing your words here) He is going to need help and support too, if your wanting more than your getting.

Some good advice above. Just another passing comment ...but are you 100% sure not expecting him to read your mind or fill in the blanks?
Even the BEST Dominants aren't mind readers, we are good but aren't that good, that we can read minds. Hints don't work. Ohh ing or awwing at what you think are the right spots don't work. What does work is WORDS! and brutal honesty!

Have you actually tried speaking up and using words to EXPLAIN you own personal needs. Have you actually had the conversation that finds a way to combine HIS interests and YOURS. Sorry, but it sounds like for 4 years he has been trying to met your needs and thinking he was...or your needs as he "thinks" they are! He cant do what he doesn't understand or what he doesn't know. He is simply operating on the information you provide him. Give him a little more credit for at least trying and not running from the house screaming. You have at your disposal someone that IS trying, there are subs here (and all over the net) that can only dream of someone willing to try.

Try look at what you do "have" (a willing partner) and try focus on what you have, not what you "don't" have. The idea is, build on what you have but to do so you going need to communicate what you want CLEARER (and your asking how to that and thats great). The books are great ideas ONCE you've had a decent conversation on your needs and desires. Please do not just drop a book in his lap and expect him to decipher your needs from it. The books are great for him to learn the skills needed but they will not help YOU to get what you require. You help you, not the Dominant.

So what do you do? Its actually simple to write down (for me) but harder to do...you open your mouth and you let the words come out. Sorry if that reads as over simplified and like your a baby but it really is that simple. You talk and talk some more. Then you go back and talk again. A great deal of making BDSM work for BOTH is talking. You'll probably spend more time talking BDSM than doing it, for a great deal of the beginning of the relationship.

Try making a time to talk. Allow yourselves time to do so. Try not to do so where is distractions, make sure you both feel comfortable in the space your in (not in a place you'd do BDSM and not after sex or before) ask him if the time frame you've picked suits him. Try not telling him what you want but actually explaining "why" you want and what it means to you. Ask him to explain, how he sees himself, fitting into what you want.

Dont give him instructions on what to do (hes Dom he will decide that) but rather try give him an instruction manual to how YOU work, that he can then work WITH. How can you work his wants and yours into a way that works?...he obviously is TRYING and that is a start. Just talk to him, hes obviously not going to run off into the night screaming... he has been trying for 4 years and its just going to take him time to catch up to your level..he obviously wants too and hes been doing so, because he KEPT doing the same thing, you asked for for four years.

You've had a life time to pull this all part in your head. turn it over and look at it from every angle. Hes had 4 years, where as far he knows, hes doing it all right and your happy. Never forget that. just talk, you got him this far..that says a lot about you and a lot about him.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 21, 2021

Hows a bull (in the traditional sense) going to help? she'd need a Dom, she didn't say he couldn't fuck her! or struggled to sate her sexually plus is he is "trying" to Dominate her.
yes, if they cant find a solution poly might be option, if THEY are open to it but to many, thats often at the very end of a long list of other solutions that can be tried first. Sorry Talion if I seem snappy so not my intent I'm just surprised you'd offer up "a bull" as a solution to needing a stronger "Dom"

Kelpi • Jun 22, 2021

Last year I offered this advise but I was never told if it worked or not so here we go again. Talk to him about having a Dom talk to him about what you are wanting. Then set up a camera where the Dom can watch and talk to him through a ear piece and let him learn that way. You will have to have someone you trust totally so choose wisely. First start off with just talking with you and Dom to let him know what your wanting. Give him a list of do's and don'ts to follow and make sure you have your fantasy list ready if it does work. This will take time and a whole lot of trust so choose wisely. If you do the video be on a sight that he can't video from and it is only him who can watch. Remember this will take time as hubby will not be so comfortable with it in the beginning so maybe just have him watch a couple of times to get hubby into it. Go slow and enjoy. Make this enjoyable for hubby and he will get into it easier and faster making it more enjoyable for you.
OH most importantly have them both talk to each other so it does not feel like you want to cheat on him or do porn. Just let him know it is for both of you and you both will grow with it.

LordofPain56 • Jun 24, 2021

If I had a dime for every time I saw the question; "how can someone train to become dominant" or similar, I would be filthy rich now.
Being someone who was born a Dom, I always believed that you bear the fruit in accordance with the traits you are given at birth. Sure you can read about it and study and try to practice, but if dominance is not built into you, aren't you really just going through the motions? But then how can you gain the deep emotional connection you need from a D/s relationship?
Just asking.

DrWakko • Jun 25, 2021

Maybe you need to try “proactive submission”. Unless you are really into being micro managed you can put yourself into service. If you know he wakes up and gets a cup of coffee, wake up a few minutes before him and have a cup ready for him when he gets out of bed. You know he likes dinner at 7 so have dinner ready at 7. Offer to take off his shoes and give him a massage when he gets home.

All of the above put you into his service. So you can submit to him. And he can still be comfortable in his skin.

DW

testosteroneandtacos • Jun 25, 2021

met·a·mor·phose
/ˌmedəˈmôrˌfōz,ˌmedəˈmôrˌfōs/
verb
undergo metamorphosis

change or cause to change completely in form or nature.

How much trust is cultivated between you? That may seem like a funny question for a married couple who've known each other for years. Trust faults can be real in all stages of a relationship however. How was he raised? Is he religious? What is his professional standing? How much have you dominated him in the time you've known him? He may need conditioning to allow himself to release that side. Do you shame him? Does he try something and get complaints? Are you critical of him? Does he get the impression you are serious about your wants and his role in them? Does he feel safe in exploring those (to many, extreme) limits?

The intimacy needed to allow a beast out of it's cage can be intimidating and feel dangerous (in bad ways) to a man. One slip and he could actually injure you. He could cross an inter-personal line he's been told his entire life makes him a piece of shit, a loser, a rapist. He could have concerns of social consequence should you find yourself in opposition to him, such as a divorce.

Do you expect him to metamorphose into your master within weeks or few months? Do you divulge to others about him, his bevahiour, or your inter-personal dynamics? Does he sincerely know, through experience in your daily behaviour, that you surrender to him? He's probably never, ever, found himself at the king's table with a woman. At total command. Your vulnerabilities are his vulnerabilities. He could need you to either guide him into that space of safe dominance, or help him seek someone who can provide insight and guidance to his throne. He could also feel disempowered by the thought that you are telling him he is not good enough for you.

As he goes through changes with you, in private, he will also be changing in ways that play out in his greater social life. To embody that aggressiveness and power is a total life transformation. It will affect his friendships, social positioning, and work relationships. Is he dominant in the workplace? Will letting loose with you also cause him to engage at work in ways which could threaten office balance? While becoming the more assured, powerful man can lead to higher positions and rewards, it's also destabilizing for some lives which are not prepared to handle the paradigm shift.

The structure you will have to provide to build that intimacy probably needs to be unshakable and consistent. Perhaps to the point of never chiding him, always praising him, bolstering him in every way you can, begging him to take you in your acceptance and surrender of what is waiting deep inside him.

Maybe the opposite of what you want now, but guiding him to what you need. To be dominated into surrender.

Bunnie • Jun 25, 2021

First things first… remove scrutiny from the table. In fact, work on removing it so far from the table that the thoughts no longer pop into your mind. That could be the beginning of your work towards becoming his submissive. This space alone will help him a lot to be able to step into learning to navigate a leadership role. Much easier to do that and feel good about yourself with loving support rather than scrutiny… no?
I think as submissive females we often forget this. Believing that through the goodness of our hearts we’re simply trying to help, because it is our desire to see our man become everything they can be (we want). The problem is, it’s not about “what we want.” It’s not a “build-a-Dom” workshop. He is a person who needs to do the work to be able to discover and own this aspect of himself. Being held up against your ideals or ideas of how dominance should look, is not going to help him at all. In fact, that would be my second part of advice… stop trying to advise him. Ask him if he might be interested in joining these communities and then simply allow him the space to become who he is. You want his dominance? Let him find it, and then learn to accept it for what it is… in his own version.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2021

momfox​(sub female)

"Thank you he keeps telling me he's a Dom and he is dominant but he doesn't act it he acts like a typical beta male."

----------Over the years I've come to believe that alternate lifestyles have larger single populations than vanilla. I believe this because we are more clear, refined, and evolved in what we need in our relationships to be happy. Thus the fishing pond is typically much smaller. Once you know yourself on that level you are stuck in this much more challenging search.

As has been said, you cannot flip a switch and make someone what you want them to be. AND if you could make him Dom overnight you have about 1 million variations of what Dominance, kink, needs, and desires are for that person. This brings us back to the large number of singles we have in lifestyles like this.

----------Another aspect is agreeing to be something to keep the other person from leaving. I have never seen this workout. In the end, if it fails many vanillas-forced into kink, will flip that right back onto you when it comes to divorce, custody, and alimony. So proceed carefully you ARE absolutely playing with fire here.

You can get the book "When someone you love is kinky." It's pretty good as an intro to what it is that we do. Still, don't expect a miracle. He has rights too. It may be all about you up until now but self-sustaining relationships are a lot of work for BOTH people.

---------Also, do not forget the impact culture has on people. We have a lot of online doms on sites like this because they are not free to be this way in their day-to-day lives. Some cultures or religions are very serious about such things. So evaluate your husband's upbringing and what cultural pressure is on him now. I do not believe you just shake off culture. It has cell memory and is important. People have the right to hold close to what is dear to them.

---------- Lastly what attracted you to each other in the first place? Pulling the rug out from under that is destructive. You marry someone as a way of saying "I accept you." Then you get all pouty and want them to change. The old expression is. "Women marry a man hoping he will change. Men marry a women hoping she won't."

I don't think you'll get an answer that will work for you.

H*

MountaintopMaster • Jun 26, 2021

I am a husband who was introduced to D/s by his wife. At first I was not interested; I thought my wife was just bored of me and wanted someone else. She said she wanted to be dominated, and that I wasn't dominant enough.

I'll be the first to admit that my kinks aren't that hardcore. I'm not aggressive, controlling, and certainly not sadistic or even just "mean". So, I thought I must not be a dominant. Again, I just thought she was done with our "vanilla" marriage and wanted to go find someone who could "really satisfy her".

To be honest, at first I was pissed. The truth was that I had been ready for more the entire time. I just was raised to respect women, and I was a "nice guy" in general, maybe even a pushover, admittedly. I guess you could say "beta male". Honestly, though, it wasn't a position I had actively chosen, nor did it feel good to be in that place in life. I did feel like a strong leader, a decision-maker, and in the bedroom, a dominant (well, a switch) and certainly a top.

From this standpoint, my advice would be to give him time. Maybe he's not creative in the bedroom, or maybe he's not aggressive and forceful enough. That doesn't mean he's not dominant, it just means his style might be different from what you want/need, at the moment. He can learn about kink scenes, and how to (safely) give you what you crave. It might take months or years to get there.

In my situation, what had to happen was that my wife and I both had separate journeys to go on, (here on The Cage), and we both learned a ton about ourselves, with the help of other dominants (for her) and submissives (for me) who gave us a wide variety of experience and insight into who we are. I am not an aggressive, sadistic Master; I am more of a Daddy Dom who prefers to lead/guide/mold a submissive with a calm, gentle touch, and only use discipline in a relatively playful manner. My wife discovered that she is not interested in being degraded or forced into anything really hardcore, either; although she likes strong, rough play, and a little pain, she has actually come to recognize that, to both of our surprise, she can be a bit of a "little" quite often, when she is not feeling like the strong, fierce dominant woman that she also is.

Anyways, I would recommend very cautiously going on your own journey, and seeking out various different experiences, but just be careful not to do anything that would torpedo your marriage. In my experience, and my wife's, the balance of learning experiences and hurtful ones has only led us to be stronger together, in the long run. Not that we aren't still down for wild online fun by ourselves, hehe.