SubtleHush(sub female)
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3 years ago •
May 22, 2021
FlavaVirago
Bunnie nailed it. Many guys (most?) want a virgin and in the absence of a sexual one, they seek virginity in another form. Just as a vanilla guy will seduce a virgin into bed and then lose interest, so too do we have them here. However, let's take the BDSM and the power exchange dynamic out of this for a moment. Think of something you love. When you go shopping to buy more of that thing (shoes, clothes, even an apartment or car) do you ever assume the first one you see will be "the one"? I hope not. We all know there are knock-off/copycat products. Cheap shit made up to look like good shit. And once you get suckered into buying cheap, you inevitably end up buying often. And more than that is the buyer's remorse when the hype and the reality of the commercial don't match up day to day. If you're like me, not that you have to be, you expect to go to a few stores on your shopping spree. You scrutinize buttons, sewing and fit when in need of a top. You ask about mileage and shy away from overly pushy salesmen when in the dealership. And if you are smart like me, you did some research online first to see which model cars had the best ratings and best reputation. Vacation time? Go to the library and skim some books, or call a friend who was where you are going for some tips. We do this because if we just ask the salesman, he will sell us on what is going to be best for him. And like the guy you met, once the deal is made and he gets his, he won't think of you again. He'll be on selling to another because it really is a numbers game. See where I'm going here? .............. I don't know why you ended up here but I'm sure many house-bound people did and the commercial for this life is pretty appealing. When I found it, I spent a year learning and studying real content, like long time published and well-respected books. I didn't watch movies that are all fantasy. I didn't listen to random salesmen who had all the right answers. I treated exploring this like I treated shopping for anything else. And even in that, I got hurt now and then too. Long-timers like me see a surge in online and real-time events by people who read the dirty books, saw the movies, or got spanked once or are just totally bored and this seems "cool". And it is cool. But it isn't instant, easy, or simple. In a nutshell, you cannot let the salesmen who want a virgin sell you on this. For many of them, this is roleplay and if you knew their real lives you wouldn't give them a single thought. And they know that too. They know that it is a matter of time before they are found out as frauds or users, so they maximize their pleasure (theirs I said) knowing full well that in a short time, you will see behind the mask and know the truth about them. So they hit and quit it and move on to the next. Just like people who rent expensive items like 55" TVs knowing they can't pay the bill. They know it's going to be taken away, so they enjoy it as much as possible. (yes this is a thing) .............. As far as finding the right Dom. You really don't know who you are or how you fit into this realm. You don't know if you even want to be here. So you cannot possibly find the right Dom until you do some learning and figure out what type of 'right' you are. So go to Amazon and search BDSM, Look for books published a long time ago and still in circulation. Avoid Avoid Avoid the fantasy bullshit. It may be fun to get you off but it isn't real or sustainable. And see if you have a real interest in shopping in this realm with your own knowledge. (And IF your guy had skill and knowledge as he pretended to, he wouldn't have needed to give you homework and dirty movies to watch. He would have answered your questions personally and then sent you to choose your own books on Amazon. All he did was get you horny for him.) And men who want to mentor you are just another version of that guy. I promise all they want is in your pants and your BDSM virginity. And then they move on too. .............. Some see this phase as a right of passage. Hard to know what good is until you've weathered some bad stuff. But you do have to learn and if you take a mentor, it should be a female with nothing to gain from your naivete but first, you need to know if you are submissive or something else and then find a mentor in that ilk. Hope it helps. H* |
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Online now
ErosRising(dom male){Hekate}
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3 years ago •
May 24, 2021
TAKE YOUR TIME!!!
Best piece of advice. Also, read the forums and blogs. “Most” of us are very open in them and display who we are. Start talking in open forum and see where it leads. Just be careful as there are predators out there. A good thing to do is to talk with other submissives. They have their own “network” and can help guide you. But the main thing is patience. Take your time and do not rush. You do not want to fall in to what it is that just happened to you again. Foundation before dynamic. |
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SirWH(dom male)
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3 years ago •
Jun 11, 2021
As a Dom for many years a little advice a good dominant should never play on first meet . He should learn about you and what you like to do and know . Trust and being very honest is the key if he starts telling you that you are his with out permission then that's a red flag .
There are good Dom's out there you just need to trust your instincts |
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| SammyJ(sub female){collared} |
3 years ago •
Jun 11, 2021
Not a great feeling
I'm sorry you had to experience that. A true Dom is a real man who will not igmore you and will let you know what is going on. I've had experiences with a few Doms and they don't want to have more than a few minutes of contact each day. That's when I know it's time to move on. Whatever the reason, you don't deserve to be treated like that.
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| Little Chrissy(sub female) |
3 years ago •
Jun 13, 2021
Re: How to find the right DOM FlavaVirago wrote: Hi all,
I have to say: if a month ago someone had told me I'd be joining this community, I would've laughed. But I find myself quite lost, and I thought maybe someone can offer advice. I had my first and only experience as a sub a month ago. I met a very interesting man through an app, and we started chatting. He began to explain what domination and submission worked like and, to my surprise, I was intrigued. It resonated more and more with what I had been missing and craving without really knowing what it was. It also came at a crucial time in my life. Things have been hard for many people in corona times, and in my case some nasty family matters were making matters worse. My personality being what it is, I had been carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders for a year, and I could tell I was at the very end of my rope. So it sounded worth exploring. We met for a coffee first, and it went great. I was scared to find a vulgar man that would drool over the prospect of using my body. But he seemed intelligent and empathic, savouring the possibility of overpowering my mind THROUGH my body. He hit all the right spots and I felt I had tapped into something that had always been inside me. He made me wait. Sent me movies, books, pictures. I devoured everything and tried to bite my tongue -fingers, since it was online chatting- so I wouldn't push beyond what was appropiate for a sub. Then we met again in his studio, for a test training. He introduced me to his whips, his cane, his cuffs... I held for as long as I could, and then I felt something crack. I weeped as I never do - cause I never do. It felt liberating, it felt safe. He was satisfied and amused at how "ambitious" I was. My was and legs were full of bruises and marks by the time I got home. I had to sleep on my belly, but I felt relieved for the first time in months. And then... he started ignoring me. At first, I looked for excuses to ask him questions about D/s, and he would answer briefly. Then I asked right away if I had displeased him, ever in the sub role. He assured me it wasn't the case, and said something had come up, and he wasn't in the mood to keep training anyone, and didn't know when he would be. You have to understand, my nature isn't submissive. And it sounds conceited, but I'm not used to being ignored -it's actually the worst thing he could've done-. So I very gradually... lost my shit. Ended up telling him to fuck off and all I got was his silence -and him blocking me, after I demanded that he did-. I feel disappointed, betrayed, abandoned, alone, ridiculous... but most of all, I feel like someone took something from me after making me the most vulnerable I've ever felt. I want to explore this, but I need someone who want abandon me right after my first whipping, and I need someone experienced, educated, etc. I've no idea where to start looking, because this kind of fell on my lap. I live in Amsterdam. It's relatively easy to find mistresses, but I can't find Doms through internet, and I don't trust asking for it through the usual apps, in case what I find is tacky and inexperienced - cause I actually tried, and was left feeling worse than before. Does anyone have any advice? |
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Steve DOM KENT UK(dom male)
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3 years ago •
Jun 13, 2021
THE right Dom / Person is out there, THE TEACHER will come when the student is ready (As the old saying goes)
What you need as said above and after is THE RIGHT PERSON FIRST then if he is a Dom you can surrender yourself. The cage is a good site and they are a few MORE out there it is just a case of research of the best ones. I am a member of a FEW but have only FIND 3 of worth THE CAGE is one of those 3. |
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FloraDragon(dom male){Roaming Wi}
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3 years ago •
Jun 13, 2021
Bunnie has sound advice
I have been lucky, right place right time, however it was built upon a plan where we only moved forward when we both felt it was right, unfortunately there are predators out there that take and through away - I am sorry you met one. A Dom is nothing with out their submissive, they must allow their submissive to spread wings and fly, in fact it is their duty to develop the relationship for the benefit of both parties. I hope you take your tie, take a deep breath and slowly move forward there are honest people out there who will help, bounce ideas off them ask them direct questions.
"Well life moves on, we are all still going through the great struggle against illness, loneliness and depression (to name a few), but maybe just maybe some green shoots are showing through. The world has a long way to go in learning to cope with the new norm. There will be always the unexpected obstacle on the way but as a group of people we can see through the barriers to the other side - things we believe we can see may not be what they are Our future will come and like droplets of water the past will be washed away in a torrent, but not forgotten. So allow yourself a great drawer of breath prepare yourself for tomorrow, live to the fullest reflect your love on others. I have been lucky here finding my partner - but what it told me is that you never know what's around the corner, but patience, honestly and trust are all needed to succeed. I have climbed walls and mountains and have slipped and fallen, I have made mistakes large and small - but all these experiences make me the individual, it is just a shame it took many many years to be honest to myself. I am far from perfect and have probably hurt and insulted people on my journey, however what I don't apologise for is an amazing relationship, friendship and dynamic with a wonderful person. My friends out there somewhere is someone looking and I truly hope that you find what you are looking for. I did" Floradragon |
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| Murphys First |
3 years ago •
Jun 13, 2021
I agree with the postings above in that you have been treated really badly.
But now you have been given a taste of what the lifestyle is like and how free it made you feel. Hold on to that memory and feeling. You were open enough and trusting enough to let this guy show you what could be and let you see the first steps on the path. He just showed you where the path was. you were the one who had the bravery to start the journey. The fact that the guy was not what you thought and let you down after your first taste is his problem, not yours. You took the steps. You opened up to the experience. You embraced it. Make it yours. Do not give up on it. I have tried vanilla after Ds and it is like eating sand after trying chocolate. I tried vanilla again & again because I wasn't strong enough to say "I am a Dominant, so I will be a Dominant." I am just going through my 3rd divorce now. Please don't follow my lead. Be true to who you have found you are and keep looking. I know how hard the search is but there is someone out there for you. Don't give up. |
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Sweet Ginger(sub female){⚓ }
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3 years ago •
Jul 10, 2021
A lot of the feedback already mentioned is good, sound advice. Also, go slowly....talk to people but don't assume every Dom that lands in you mailbox is going to be the one. Maybe just as important, you'll have some friends who you trust to bounce ideas and or concerns with.. Talk to people, where all people first before titles and labels. See if not only your a good fit for him but is he a good fit for you. Do you trust this person? Are there any inconsistencies??? Go with your gut feelings. This all takes time to figure out....Think of people you talk with as friends first, thats the foundation of any good, healthy relationship and if something develops down the road , well then you have the best of both worlds. Best of luck.
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LatexHer(dom male)
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3 years ago •
Jul 12, 2021
Your Thoughts Count!
Geesh - how many times in the last 45 yrs have I heard similar stories from women!
A respectful Dominant man is not just after your tail, we are out there on the Internet! ladies do some homework, ask questions , ask his friends and acquaintances. Is he a real man or just a bed jumper looking of a quick piece, even married perhaps? These days most people have an internet presence which can be verified by just a bit of ingenuity. I remain appalled by just how many of you wonderful ladies have been hurt by some of these encounters leaving you heartbroken or even a victim of assault, or worse! I urge all you loving sub missives and slaves to do some exploratory research on any man of interest, a background and even a credit check today are CHEAP ways to protect your ASSets! Life today offers so much better ways to find a safe and secure person to explore your needs and fantasies with then it did when I became involved in tour D/s community over 45 yrs ago. Back then we had to worry about the law, postal inspectors, even the police if we were seen having a handcuffed /bound woman in our vehicle. We didn't have the security of black-out windows, which now hide the fun and games inside. Today, you can walk a girl on a leash in public areas (which may raise an eyebrow) but most people would just look and chuckle! Life is Short - enjoy every day as it is your last, as one day it will be! |
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