He doesn't want me to say "Sir"

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 8, 2021

I don't know how long you know the guy and if this is online only or real life. So one question... is there until now any commitment that you both are in a relationship? I say guy for a reason and not dom. What about asking him?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 8, 2021

Miki​(masochist female) - "The use of titles, terms of endearment, pet names or whatever you want to plug into this thought, should be much lower on the food chain than things that really matter. Chemistry, how you are treated, whether either or both of you are building something to last or just having a good time for the time being... Shit like that."
.................
Miki, I disagree. While you aren't wrong per se, you are also not hitting the nail on the head as it relates to many of us in Ds or Ms dynamics. Often what seems like just words to some are actually the anchors for others. If and when I use the term "Sir" it's a big deal. It sets our connection apart from that of others in my life. And when I see someone outside of my relationship calling MY Sir, Sir? It really bothers me because I didn't get to that level with him arbitrarily and I certainly don't use it in front of others just to show off. It really matters on a visceral level that I didn't even know was there when I was new.

As Morgein said: "For me, the honorific splits the relationship apart from all others. This person and this relationship is different and part of how we designate that is through language."

So true. For me, in power exchange and the level of relationship that brings is very deep and very intense. It has a continuum that runs through all of life. From the grocery store, to when one of us has a cold, to when I kneel before him, there are a million small moments of connection. A look. A touch. A whisper. "Do you belong to me?" "Yes Sir."

I remember an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine where the creatures (symbionts) lived in a pool and as they swam past each other, there would be an electrical charge between them. It was how they related and communicated. I hope you don't need to be a Trekker to appreciate the correlation. Sometimes the word Sir being spoken is like that. When overwhelmed, lonely or unsure, that electrical charge can really settle things down and bring you to a focus. Mostly, it connects you to him and you are not alone any longer.

Never is it a light switch you simply flip for fun times and then flip off for when real life shows up.

H*

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

Some things to consider:

1. As with all relationship-related things, you must talk about everything. For instance, he may not feel a need to hear or use honorifics and pet names, but unless he is directly opposed to it then it is worth negotiating.

2. It depends a lot on how you both think about the whole thing. "Honorifics" are meant to honor someone, but if that person just isn't feeling it then the words are pretty insignificant. A better way is through actions, not words or titles or names.

3. I tell subs that until such time as an honorific or pet name is earned - by both of us - then not to use one. That may take days, weeks, or maybe it will never happen but it should never be automatic or forced.

4. Often people get way too hung up on the words we use. I had a sub/little who sometimes affectionately called me "Dommy." I knew that it was a genuine, authentic show of love and submission, and I felt truly honored by that, so I did not need to enforce the use of a title. However, when I expected her to address me as Sir or Daddy or anything else - or nothing else - she honored me by doing exactly that. The point is that it is the honor and submission and affection that is important, not the title.

nuovacane​(switch male) • Oct 10, 2021

It might be a privilege thing, so he won't let you call him 'Sir', until you deserve it. If he never wants you to call him 'Sir', then it doesn't sound like he fully wants to enter the 'play' or 'fantasy' world, or wherever your relationship is taking place or, he has some personal reason for the decision. Stiil, for whatever reason, I believe he should give a reason in an intimate relationship

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 11, 2021

I've experienced this. And as I needed something I asked whether I may call Him 'my X'.
That became my name for Him. He cherished it, I did too.

You have a few choices here:
Submit grudgingly. Accept His preference and feel hurt that something is taken away from you.
Don't submit. Do not accept His preference and push things to be the way you want them.

Or ask to negotiate a special term of endearment and accept His answer whatever it may be, yes or no.


In the end, Dominants lead and submissives submit. A negotiated dance, but a dance nonetheless.